The Real Situation Is Right Here

Carrot Top, the Thundercats version of Jacqueline Labofish Stallone, summoned the panty pudding at Fred Segal in Santa Monica yesterday by lifting up his shirt and exposing his freckled MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation and split buns.

Why don’t you give your froat a break today, and let your genitals do the dry heaving while looking at these pictures. Carrot Top will bring the carrot stick and you bring the ranch dressing!

Jason Momoa Is Conan

Unfortunately, Jason Momoa (of North Shore, Stargate Atlantis and Baywatch Hawaii) is not going to lose 100 pounds, bleach his skin, shave his head and slap on a Howdy Doody wig to play Conan O’Brien. I wish. No, Jason has been cast as the OTHER Conan.

Deadline Hollywood says that Lisa Bonet’s piece has inherited Arnold Schwarzenegger’s fur loincloth and will wave his sword around as the title role in the remake of Conan the Barbarian. They will start shooting Conan this March in Bulgaria. Bulgaria will also temporarily rename their country BULGE-ARIA while Jason is there.

Apparently, Jason beat out Kellan Lutz and Jared Padalecki. Latino Review is also hearing that Mickey Rourke is in talks to play The Witch. No, he’s been offered the role of Conan’s papa je’e. No word yet on who will play that hot bitch Valeria, but the producers should be calling the pay phone near Sandahl Bergman’s rented room right now. There is no other Valeria!

Seriously, those bitches better not cast some young ho like Megan Fox or Jessica Biel. Besides, the latter would make a better Conan than a Valeria.

And Jason better not get too comfortable, because there’s a good chance Jay Leno will replace him in the sequel.

Vintage Christopher Walken

Despite popular belief, Christopher Walken did come out of his mother’s womb as an old man who takes no shit from shit. No, once upon a Three Wolf Moon, Christopher was a young, powdery, hot piece of ass who made the young ladies drop their lace handkerchiefs and reach for the smelling salts. And this picture is proof!

I seriously want to print this out in sepia, put in a locket around my neck and run through the wheat fields with a parasol in hand.

via WOW Report

Channing Tatum’s Penis Looked Like This Once

Channing Tatum (or Carol O’Neal as I like to call him) now knows how every man who fucks Parasite Hilton without wrapping their penis in kryptonite first feels. Channing tells Details Magazine about the night his dick was burned by a pot of boiling water. When a penis burns, my no-no sheds a tear.

The peen burning accident occurred on the Scotland set of the movie The Eagle of the Ninth. Channing explained that it was colder than Snow Miser’s dick there, so they would pour hot water into their suits to stay warm.

Channing said, “The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

Obviously, this crew member only gets hongray for chocha, because if it was one of our slut asses we would’ve calmly explained to Channing that an episode of Survivor taught us that the quickest way to heal a burn involves mouth saliva and ass juice.

And thankfully, Channing’s wang no longer looks like the face of Fire Marshall Bill, “I’m good . . . now. Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach.”

Kellan Lutz Is The New Crotch Of Calvin Klein Chonies

Fox411 is saying that Kellan Lutz, the other piece in Twatlight who isn’t Taylor Lautner or RPattz, has just signed a deal to star in an underwear campaign for Calvin Klein. And not just any campaign. Sources say the hos at Calvin Klein want Kellan to remake Marky Mark’s iconic campaign from the 90s that made genitals everywhere go weak. I still have the paper cut scars on my ass.

A source says that Calvin Klein hopes Kellan will become the #1 piece to fap to just like Marky Mark was in 1992. The source added, “The executives have a plan to model the ads very similarly after the famous Mark Wahlberg campaign in the 90’s. They want to recreate the look of the hugely successful ads, and who is better than Kellan Lutz to fill out those little underwear?”

Marky Mark’s panty ad for Calvin Klein was an important part of my life as a blooming gay. That shit was serious. I was a tween (Yes, I’m older than Kim Zolciak’s first wig aka OLD) when this shit came out, but I remember it like yesterday. As soon as I saw Marky’s ad in Rolling Stone, my b-hole opened up for business and started taking applications. Marky is partly to blame.

So, Kellan really has big panties to fill.

Mah Boo Was Robbed!

Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn’t it look even more precious with Anderson Fox’s silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a “Sexiest Fox Alive” supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail….

As you can see Johnny Depp was named People’s Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!

The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham’s purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty’s favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).

And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn’t want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.