That Poor Dog

(I’m talking about the potty-trained bitch all the way to the left who is wondering what she did in a past life to deserve this shit!) This is Nick Hogan in a wig Brooke Hogan and her mother Linda looking like a pack of neon markers covered in a melted Butterfinger left in a child’s backpack while posing for the paps in Miami, FL yesterday afternoon.

If Hatchet Face and a Brit Brit impersonator were the inspiration for a claymation remake of White Chicks, this is what it would look like. I guess somebody has to keep the fashions of 2002 alive.

You know the “Where is the exit?” side-eye Robert DeNiro threw after introducing Diddy Dirty Money on SNL last night?

That same side-eye also applies here.

Brooke & Hulk Hogan Just Spending Some Quality Time Together

Yeah, this isn’t disturbing at all. In this promo video for Def Jam Rapstar shot in a mid-level hotel room off the highway (it’s totally off the highway), Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke cover Notorious B.I.G. together. Believe it or not, that’s not the disturbing part I was talking about. Things goes from disturbing to disturbing-er when Hulk eyes up Brooke’s ass as she backs her shit up and then whips out his boiled Slim Jim (that gigantic black box is LYING) in front of her.

For most of us, if our dad pulled out his dick like it’s something we want to see, we’d immediately call adult protective services and then tell our therapist to clear their schedule because we’re going to need them the whole week! But for Brooke and Hulk, it’s just normal father/daughter bonding time. This mess looks more like a clip from a promo video for Billy Ray and Miley’s Daddy & Me camp.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, WE ALL CAN’T.

via Kotaku (Thanks Jeremiah)

Hulk Hogan Thinks He’s The Next Billy Mays

If Hulk Hogan cracked open his fortune cookie chichi (or is that a bloated Pac-Man with a wart on his chin?), he would find these words of wisdom: “CONFUCIUS SAYS, DON’T EVEN TRY IT, ASSHOLE!” It’s safe to say that we all co-sign that shit. Radar is saying that Hulk Hogan is working with infomercial king Kevin Harrington on a new hand cleanser made from pumice.

Hulk’s lawyer says that he believes the product will turn Hulk Hogan into the new Billy Mays. Hulk’s lawyer said:

“Billy’s unfortunate passing kind of left a hole. We all agree that he certainly has some big shoes to fill as far as Billy Mays is concerned, but I don’t think that any of us doubt that he has the ability to do it. We hope this is the beginning of a very long and good relationship between him and Kevin and the various products that Kevin may bring to the market. Terry brings decades’ worth of charisma and credibility to the marketplace.”

Just because Hulk looks like he uses Orange-Glo as a body lotion doesn’t mean he’s got the same powers Billy had. Besides, the world doesn’t need a stupid hand cleanser made from pumice. If we want to get the skank off our hands, we just need to hold our palms up to one of Billy’s old infomercials and let his “Miley Cyrus after gargling sand” voice scrub that shit clean. Hulk Hogan is not needed.

And will somebody please switch Hulk Hogan and White Oprah’s peroxide with NAIR, because obviously the stuff they use causes extreme delusion in the brains.

Linda Hogan Is Getting Married

Proving that eating Hulk Hogan’s ass for 25 years causes irreparable brain damage, 50-year-old Linda Hogan is planning to marry her 21-year-old boy toy Charlie Hill. Charlie went to high school with Linda’s son Nick and is one year younger than Brooke. Nick is already a dumb fuck of the highest order, so seeing his mother freak on his friend’s leg at his high school reunion will hopefully take him over the edge. I can’t wait.

Lime Life reports that Linda and Charlie will promise to love each other until death does them part (or until Linda divorces Charlie for using the last bottle of peroxide) next summer. The plan is to get married on Linda’s appropriately named yacht, ALIMONY. Brooke has made it clear that the thought of her mother with Charlie makes her want to vom on her assless chaps, so I doubt she’ll hold her mother’s bouquet at the wedding.

I know Linda looks like a luau pig dressed in drag as Hatchet Face, but she’s got plenty of cash stuffed into the middle of her chest hogs thanks to Hulk Hogan so she could probably get herself a hotter paid piece. You know, one that doesn’t look like he names all his skid marks and doesn’t regularly huff gas out of cars. Actually, maybe she can’t. They’re perfect for each other.

Right Where Hulk’s Face Belongs

You may have already heard the one about Linda Hogan taking everything from Hulk Hogan’s house including his prized toilet seat. Only Linda Hogan would want a toilet seat embedded with Hulk’s ass dust.

Anyyouknowtheresshitcrustontheretoo, Linda has issued a press release to explain why she snatched Hulk’s favorite wooden toilet seat. Linda releasing a statement about a toilet seat is as natural as a midnight bowel movement. This is what Linda farted out:

He knows I’m using the wooden toilet seat as frame for his picture ever since I found out he is a serial cheater and liar. Once he comes clean and starts to be honest, he can have it back.

Even though Linda learned that trick at the kindergarten school of revenge, it’s still fitting. However, Linda’s wall of beautiful family memories would look much better if she hung her picture in a trash can frame next to Hulk’s.

Hulk Hogan Will Never Learn

It was just four months ago that Hulk and Linda Hogan’s divorce became final. In the end, their nasty divorce war left Hulk with a raw asshole, chewed off nipples and a weepy checking account. Hulk must have the memory of a roid pimple, because he’s about to walk down the aisle again. The NYDN says that Hulk is engaged to his girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel.

Hulk’s brain is as fried as his hair and his girlfriend looks like she’s cut from the same cloth as his daughter, so there’s a good chance he accidentally proposed to the wrong orange linebacker. But he didn’t, because TMZ caught up Hulk and Jennifer at LAX on Tuesday. Jennifer showed off her new ring, and Hulk said, “That could be the new Mrs. Hogan.”

If I was Jennifer, I’d hire Elin Nordegren as my prenup specialist. Because Jennifer better get paid a Woods-worth for rubbing her parts all over Hulk’s rotisserie chicken body. Seriously, you should never suck on jerky peen like that for nothing!

And if I was Brooke, I’d constantly walk around with a big sign over my titties that read: “STOP: I’m Your Daughter.”