The Hogans Are Officially Divorced

Today in Clearwater, FL, a court room was filled with thirstay peroxide mops, turkey jerky skin and desperation, because the Hogans here there to make their divorce final. The fact that both Hulk and Linda both brought look-alike toys made the whole affair even sadder than Brooke’s album signing in the sock section of Wal-Mart.

For over two years, these two water damaged leather sacks have been fighting like Gosselins. Linda wanted more cash to keep her looking like the fine diamond she is, but Hulk didn’t want to give it up. OK! says that they finally came to an agreement, but the terms will not be released.

It apparently all ended amicably, because Linda and Hulk even kissed each on the cheek at the end. May the record show: BARF VOM FART.

Yeah, This Isn’t Creepy At All

If I was kissing my dad on the check and opened up my eyes to see a carbon copy of me looking back at me, I’d immediately run my ass to the bathroom and recreate the scene from The Legend of Billie Jean where she chops all her hair off in the mirror all emotional-like. Then I’d dip my head in a bowl of black RIT dye and take the next catamaran to a faraway land where no Hogans exist. I’m for serious. Look at Brooke Hogan and her daddy’s girlfriend! Yes, one has 50% more non-biodegradable materials in her tittay area, but they could still be twinsies. It’s not right and it’s not okay.

And you know Hulk isn’t the only thing looking up and thanking the lord for this magical moment. Yesh, his one-eyed wang said a “thank you prayer” before it barfed into Hulk’s panties. WHY?! Keep this shit under lock and key.

Here’s the “always good for the creeps” Hogans at Brooke’s 10th annual 21st birthday party at Pure in Las Vegas last night.

Hulk Hogan Understands OJ Simpson

The mixture of roids and peroxide has fried most of Hulk Hogan’s brains including his filter, so that’s why fucked up shit tends to come out of his mouth freely. In the new Rolling Stone (via Page Six), Hulk says that after seeing his estranged wife Linda Hogan fuck on a young piece of jerky, he understands why OJ went on a stabbing rampage. If the bandana don’t fit, you must acquit!

Hulk said, “I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody’s throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it.”

I’m sure Hulk’s Brooke Hogan look-alike girlfriend is there to lick the tears of pain off of his erect clit nips. I know what Hulk is saying, but he’s too stupid to word it the right way. I mean, what if Linda and her mantoy were out hiking in the hills and some coyote with blonde hair mauled them? The police would see two bloody bodies covered in raggedy blonde hair and point directly at Hulk!

Besides, if Hulk really wants to do harm to someone he doesn’t need to stab them. Just make them watch Mr. Nanny.

Open Post: Hosted By Broke Down Hogan

A statewide warning should have been issued to the entire state of Florida when Brooke Hogan spread her sausage thighs and unleashed her crotch of horror at Calle Ocho in Miami. Luckily, everyone survived. Well, except for that pole. Rest in peace, pole…. It’s sad that it’s last memories are of Brooke rubbing her ‘gina jerky lips all over it.

While Brooke jiggled her pole on the pole, Hulk Hogan jizzed in his pants in the audience. I’m sure he’s seen this act a trillion times. Every Christmas, Brooke probably entertains her family with this charming number. Right before they open their presents, Brooke opens her creamed beef box. I can’t!

In the third thumbnail below, the dude sitting down says it all.

They Should Be Wearing Tights

Linda Hogan’s Mickey Mouse lawyer was holding a stupid press conference after a divorce hearing in Florida yesterday when Hulk Hogan crashed that shit and verbally tried to smackdown his ass. They are all trash, but when Hulk Hogan makes you look like the bigger bag of dildos, it’s time to retire to the nearest landfill.

Linda’s lawyer failed twice during this brawl of words. The first was when Hulk reminded him that he gave his son an autograph. The second was when he threw a funny party and nobody showed up. After Hulk storms out to dip his head in a bowl of cold peroxide, the lawyer jokes, “Now I know what it’s like to be in the WWE now….” The dumb bitch was looking for a little chuck and all he got was crickets and a GONG!

By the way, is that a mop of polyester on the head of Hulk’s lawyer? I think we found the secret love child of Kim Zolciak’s pound puppy wig.

Brooke Hogan Sucks

This shit is going around the internets and it’s supposedly the most powerful man in the universe Brooke Hogan screeching along to Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You.”

You know, for lunch I had a Cup O Noodle, six Bagel Bites and like eight Pepperidge Farm Milanos. That shit has made me feel bloated everywhere. Even in my fingernails. That’s why I’m going to listen to Brooke’s trans warble over and over again. If I listen to it enough, I may start barfing up my lunch through my ears. Brooke will be doing me a favor.

This shit sounds like she recorded it while doing karaoke by herself. Her peen hole would’ve sang it better.

P.S. – Blame MileyLovesYou11 for this suckery.

VIA ONTD