The Final Sign Of The Apocalypse: Lindsay Lohan Is Off Probation

Seen above hawking designer coke in a single-serving bag (it’s actually oil-pulling crap for your teefs) on Instagram, Lindsay Lohan is free of being on probation and it only took her a million and one years to do it. What a true American hero and charitable saint.

When TMZ said yesterday that LiLo actually completed all 125 community service hours, I threw my best skeptical bitch side-eye. I was preparing to not be surprised by her trying pass off “holding a drunken White Oprah’s hair while that mess barfed into a toilet” and “flashing her freckled chest dumplings at construction workers” as community service. But today, Judge Mark A. Young signed off on her community service hours and released her from probation. Meanwhile, the A/C in Pimp Mama Kris’ mansion just dropped to freezing temperatures by itself and somewhere Guy Fieri oinked out a “huh?” as wings suddenly sprouted from his back. Judge Mark said these words we thought we’d never ever hear:

“It does appear Ms. Lohan fully complied with her community service obligation. Probation is terminated as of today.”

“It does appear…” Even Judge Mark needed a trick to pinch him four times, because he couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing. It’s like when I look at my checking account statement and don’t see a negative balance. It’s a real “this fucking can’t be” moment.

After Judge Mark declared that LiLo is probation-free after nearly 8 years, she twatted out a thank you speech like she won a damn Oscar.

Clean slate, fresh start 💕 🙏 pic.twitter.com/cQgszKy8e5

— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) May 28, 2015

Shawn Holley didn’t read that, because she was too busy doing cartwheels of freedom down the sidewalks of L.A. And everybody better put on a helmet, clutch onto a rosary, pray to Hay-Soos and keep your baby strollers off of the streets, because now that LiLo’s free from probation, nothing’s in her way.