How Is The World Still Standing Today?

August 24, 2015 / Posted by:

The US stocks are sucking shit stains at the bottom of the toilet, Donald Trump is still up in the polls and this morning, I only had enough coffee to make one cup. The world is ending and I blame it all on One Direction. Who knew that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would be four Pomade-covered, Topman-wearing yodeling twinks?

Last night, many of us prepared our end-of-the-world shelter (mine is a bedroom closet covered with pictures of a topless Prince Hot Ginge and filled with the necessities: a bag of the good shit, a battery-powered vaporizer, four bags of pork rinds, a 120-pack of vodka juiceboxes and flip book porn) when The Sun announced that the end is near, because One Direction is going on a break. The Sun claims that 1D will not tour their next album and once they’re done promoting it in March 2016, they’re going to go separate directions. (Side note: Blogging law states that every blogger must make that overused “separate directions” joke in any post about One Direction going on a break.) The Sun’s source says that they all want to do their own thing for a while.

Of course, this rumor caused emergency rooms to fill with hysterical, dehydrated Directioners who needed to be hooked up to IVs since they cried all the fluids in their bodies out. But a source tells UsWeekly it’s not that serious. They’re just taking a little break and Zayn Malik quitting their asses had nothing to do with why they want to press pause on 1D:

“That doesn’t mean they’re splitting up at all,” our source insists. “Even when Zayn was in the band they had been speaking about having time to focus on personal projects. They’re one of the hardest working groups around and totally deserve some time to themselves,” the source continues.

Um, the source needs to educate themselves. Exposé is the hardest working group around since they’ve been working the casino and festival circuits long before 1D were jizz fish in their daddy’s nutsack.

Those of us who lived through the devastating break-ups of NSYNC and New Kids on the Block should make an “It Gets Better” video for the Directioners. The Directioners will get through it and even if 1D’s “hiatus” turns into a full-on break-up, they’ll eventually get back together for a reunion tour when the money dries up and the mortgage is due. So in 20 years, life-long Directioners will get drunk on roh-zay and throw their chonies onto the stage during One Direction’s reunion show at their local state fair. The Directioners have that to look forward to!


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