The Incredible Shrinking Jhud

Jennifer Hudson is like my meth head ex-boyfriend’s peen: Every time I see her, she looks skinnier and skinnier. But unlike my meth head ex-boyfriend’s peen, JHud has no trouble standing erect without the help of a 2-hour hand job, a lot of coaching and a mess of Viagra. (I think).

JHud, who is putting out a weight-loss book soon (Chapter 1 – Become a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers. If that’s not possible, smoke crack and bid adieu to all your ribs), nearly made her fingers kiss when she posed on the carpet at amfAR’s Inspiration Gala in NYC last night. Ugh. When I put my hands around my waist, my fingers can barely see each other’s tips because a hilly mound of bloat is blocking their view of each other. If Weigh Watchers had Cheetos nachos, Frosted Circus Animal Cookies and Coke Margaritas on their menu and gave complimentary lipo each week, I’d totally join! If JHud loses anymore weight, she’ll win every single Verdine White look-alike contest and that’s reason enough to be mad at her.

Here’s more of JHud at last night’s amfAR along with: Ke$hit (who gets a D- for her tuck game), Heidi Klum, James Franco, Lance Bass and a melting Victorian Vampire wax doll with an American History X extra.

Johnny Depp Does The Sliming

Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.

While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn’t play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton’s closet, so he’s not going to let Slimer’s menstrual fluid mess ’em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles “slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me” and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.

If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We’re all adults here (not really) and we don’t look at the winners of some children’s awards show! Adults don’t do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let’s continue the theme.

Here’s a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you’re going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.

Heidi Fleiss’ Bird Palace Almost Burned To The Ground

The bird pimp of Pahrump, Heidi Fleiss, spent her Thanksgiving Day sitting on the bumper of a fire truck with her harem of parrots watching a mob of flames take over their house. At TMZ, they have video of Heidi’s house in Pahrump, NV burning away on Thanksgiving morning. Insert your own “never let a parrot be the foreman of a meth lab” joke here.

Heidi told Fox5 Las Vegas that she was able to get out with most of her loyal bird friends. Hopefully, most means all.

Heidi also says that the fire started in her chimney “which lacked a spark arrestor, a device that prevents sparks from escaping into other parts of the home.” The fire department is currently investigating the cause of the fire. And here I was thinking I had the shittiest Thanksgiving, because I turned the TV on after dinner and was only able to catch the last 10 minutes of Heathers. I missed the best parts!

Heidi Klum In A Mondo Original

Gretchen Jones, the lip-challenged Mii avatar who is best known for designing a caca-colored diaper, might have won Project Runway, but Heidi Klum wore runner-up Mondo Guerra’s finale dress to the Black Swan premiere in Los Angeles last night. Except Heidi took a machete to the sleeves.

And in the spirit of Michael Kors, Heidi looks like the graveyard shift hostess at a Lady Miss Kier theme restaurant in the suburbs of Amsterdam.

Heidi Klum Wins At Halloween Again

Why did anybody even bother throwing a Slutty Chilean Miner costume from Rite-Aid over their bodies when Heidi Klum turns this shit into a one-woman Halloween EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAA every damn year. At Heidi’s annual Halloween party in NYC last night, she told comfort to fuck off and showed up dressed like the robotic alien leader from RiRi’s home planet (the Magic 8-Ball forehead gave it away).

This is a costume for a strong bitch who isn’t going to cry (actually, crying in this costume is impossible) when every pore and hole starts hyperventilating and gasping for a shot of air. Heidi must’ve had an asthma inhaler shoved up her cooch so her crotch didn’t pass out.

How can Heidi Klum properly celebrate Whoreoween in this shit? No getting fucked up. No carefully choreographed “wardrobe malfunctions.” No passing out face first in a men’s room urinal or on the dick of a stranger. None of that!

And Heidi’s digestive system and bladder must train for this day all month long since they have to keep their shit together (literally) for the entire night. You can’t just go for a quick pee pee times when it takes Mike Holmes, two jaws of life, and the extra large jar of grease your grandma keeps under her kitchen sink to get you out of your costume.

Here’s more of the Keeper of Halloween and her husband Seal (who went as a roided-up Silver Surfer, or maybe he’s one of The Silver Fox’s platinum jizz balls…) at their party last night.

Seal Has A Last Name?!

Yes, Seal does have a last name, and his wife of four years Heidi Klum has officially taken it. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a commissioner (just think of Michael Chiklis) declared that Heidi Klum is officially Heidi Samuel. Yeah, Heidi Samuel doesn’t make my Schnitzel tingle as much as Heidi Klum, but she’s doing it for love. Love makes you do crazy things like wipe nostril diarrhea from your man’s nose when he’s sick and use his name on your drivers license. Go figure.

Heidi’s rep would not say whether or not she plans to use her new last name professionally.

Not only does Seal have a last name, but he also has like fifty middle names. Dude’s full name is Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. If you don’t have a middle name, send hate mail to Seal, because that ho hogged them all up for himself.

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