Taylor Swift Is Reportedly Trying To Lock-Down Leonardo DiCaprio As Her Next Boyfriend

January 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Boy…friend? What is a boy friend?” asked a confused Leonardo DiCaprio from high atop a Jenga-like tower of 27 nameless naked models.

According to the journalistic vanguard that is The National Enquirer, Taylor Swift has set her beady-little boy crazy eyes on the current most accurate visual definition of the word itchy, Leo DiCaprio. That sound you just heard was four dozen panty models running down the deck of the S. S. Snatch Catcher to the communal laptop to update their Model Mayhem portfolios for fear that they might soon be out of a job.

The Enquirer claims that Tay Tay demanded her manager set up a meeting with DiDi to see if he was boyfriend material. Spoiler alert: HE’S NOT. Apparently he passed the test, and Tay Tay invited him to hang out with her in New York. She has also been texting him relentlessly, as is Taylor Swift’s custom. A source also says that Leo is “turned on” by her success, and that Tay Tay thinks they’d be the perfect “power couple.” Of course, a source close to Leo (Lukas Haas working hard while hardly working) tells Gossip Cop that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented bullshit.

You don’t have to be Detective Olivia Benson – the human, not the cat – to know this story is all kinds of questionable. First of all, there definitely wasn’t a second date after Tay Tay realized the person her manager had set her up with was neither Jack from Titanic or Romeo from Romeo+Juliet. Second, Tay Tay has a full-time job, which means she can’t spend 11 months of the year floating aimlessly on a yacht, which is Leo’s No.1 deal breaker. Third, we all know that Taylor is really into pussies, but the only girls-into-pussies that Leo is interested in are the ones who can fill in during Threesome Thursdays at Casa DiCaprio. Don’t worry Tay Tay – there’s plenty more hobo-looking man sluts in the sea.

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