The always reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com claims Chris Hemsworth is worth this much:
When I look at that number, I curse at the Gods for not making me be born into Elsa Pataky. Because not only did she get to take a ride on one of my favorite panty creamers Adrien Brody’s glorious nose while screaming, “Give me the sneeze, snot up all in this, bitch,” in a damn castle, but she currently gets to scrub her genitals on Thor’s mega washboard abs as money falls out of his ass. But when Chris Hemsworth looks at that number, he gags as though his team of personal trainers just told him that his body fat went from 0% to 0.1%. Millionaire movie stars are just like us: they too get grossed out while looking at their bank account balance.
Chris did an interview with Mike Christensen for GQ Australia to promote that movie I’m going to pay to see because seeing Thor’s wet nipples on a big screen is a major selling point for me. Chris says that when his resume and wallet started filling up, he questioned why he went into acting, and he realized that money was one of the reasons because he didn’t want to be broke like he was growing up.
“Once you get the jobs, you wonder did you actually just want to be famous? Was it purely about money? An artistic expression? I’ve arrived at a place of truth and while the attraction was a few things, one was definitely financially. I did not want to be broke, like we’d been broke when we grew up. I wanted to take care of my parents and my family.”
But while Chris is happy he’s not broke, he feels grossed out about how he’s so rich he can walk into a Whole Foods and buy whatever he wants without looking at the prices (you know you’re RICH rich when you can do that). Chris doesn’t want his 4-year-old twin sons and 6-year-old-daughter to feel privileged, even though as the kids of a multi-millionaire, they are. The anti-CZJ said this, which sounds like it came straight from The Handbook On How To Sound Relatable And Likable To The Masses When You’re A Mega Rich Movie Star.
“I feel gross about it,” he says of his wealth. “I remember saving up for a surfboard when I was younger. The surfboard was 600 bucks and I saved up for a whole year with Dad’s help. I didn’t even want to surf on it for fear of damaging it. It taught me so many lessons about appreciation and working hard for something.
When I think about my kids, I don’t want them to miss that joy. Elsa and I talk a lot about how we instill that same appreciation and respect for things. I don’t want them to feel like they’re privileged in any way. The fact that we have money and their parents are famous, that somehow they’re special, that scares me because we grew up with no money.”
Since I have a heart bigger than my asshole (that’s saying a lot) and don’t like to see people in pain or grossed out, I volunteer to take his millions off of his hands. I’ll even take the keys of the $9 million mega-mansion that Chris and Elsa are building in Byron Bay. Yes, I’ll sell it, because that office building-looking monstrosity is uglier than a sloth’s wet dingle, but I don’t want Chris to get the heaves every time he steps into his 300 square foot Carrera marble steam shower with platinum fixtures. It’ll be hard for me, being that rich, but I’ll gladly sacrifice my own feelings for another human to find peace and happiness. And yes, I’ll say those exact words when I’m given sainthood for this pure act of selflessness.
Pic: David Bailey/GQ Australia