How Many Of The “Stars” From The New Dancing With The Stars Cast Do You Recognize?

This morning, ABC announced the names of the bright shiny has-beens who will pop their pussies for their 16th minute on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. I only squinted my eyes (like Giggy above) and whispered out a “Harpo, who dis woman?” when I read the names Victor Ortiz and Jacoby Jones (the sports dudes, of course). I recognized 9 out of the 11 names. That’s not bad. But then again my brain is a pop culture trash heap covered with seagull shit and if the new cast of DWTS was full of sitcom stars from the 80s, I’d recognize every single name on there. So let’s see how your ass does. Here’s the entire cast with their partners and count the number of question marks your brain gives birth to while reading this list. GO!

Victor Ortiz (professional boxer ) and newcomer Lindsay Arnold
Kellie Pickler (calamari expert) and real-life twirling Ken Doll Derek Hough
Wynonna Judd (country beauty) and Tony Dovolani
Ingo Rademacher (Jax from General Hospital) and Kym Johnson
Zendaya Coleman (Disney girl) and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Andy Dick (MESS with a capital MESS) and Sharna Burgess
Lisa Vanderpump (Giggy’s mom) with newcomer Gleb Savchenko
Aly Raisman (Olympic gymnast) with Mark Ballas
Dorothy Hamill (hair icon) with Tristan MacManus
D.L. Hughley (comedian) with Mop Head
Jacoby Jones (NFL player) with Karina Smirnoff

Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Anna Trebunskaya, Chelsie Hightower and Louis Van Amstel are all out this season and Maks is acting like he’s never coming back. I hope this means that Maks is going to quit ballroom dancing to focus on his true calling, gay porn.

There’s only two reasons to watch the new season of Dancing with the Whos. The first reason is to see what Giggy is wearing. The second reason is to see Andy Dick being a mess. I will be severely disappointed in Andy if he doesn’t piss on the floor and flash a dude in the front row during his first dance. I also hope he shows up as Kathy Griffin’s twin Daphne Aguilera at least once.

Putting The Ass In Christmass

Years from now, Gia Lopez’s therapist will pull out this picture to remind her of the moment that put the first scar on her childhood and she’ll slap herself in the face for not yanking a ho when she had the chance.

To sell his line of man chonies that look like lady chonies, Mario Lopez (aka forever AC Slater to me) made his new wife tweet a picture of him putting a star on top of their skinny ass Christmas tree. NO FATTIES in AC Slater’s house! That goes for the Christmas trees too.

It’s one thing to make your toddler daughter hold the stepladder for you, but it’s another to make her do it while you’re wearing panties that make your ass look extra hungry. It looks like it’s going to chomp on anything in its way.

On December 26th, John Travolta will gladly do Gia Lopez a favor and hold that ladder while AC Slater takes the star down. Yes, John will wear a mistletoe hat and yes his tongue will go down AC Slater’s chimney at one point or another. I think you might like it, AC Slater!

via ONTD

I’m Sensing A Theme….

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.

Why Hello There, Kristen Stewart’s Ass Cheeks

That picture might look familiar to you, because it’s exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to “Holly Jolly Christmas.”

For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says “DON’T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION” like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, “Ah smoked it!”

Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn’t go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz’s face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.

Star-Spangled Nalgas

The #1 enemy of the buttfuck people, Xtina, teased us buttfuck people by showing us the butt that we will never be able to fuck…. unless we’ve got about 12 hours of free time, a tow truck and two plastic tubs of petroleum jelly since that’s what it’ll take to get her out of those tight ass jeans. Xtina doesn’t wear panties, so I don’t even want to think about the chaffing that’s occurring with every step.

After whoring out The Voice with Adam Levine and Blake Shelton on Extra at The Grove last night, Xtina’s full-time escort (insert his name here, don’t make me Google it) escorted her to dinner. Xtina once again wore an outfit that a WWF wrestler wore first and better in the 80s, but I do love what she’s done to her weave. I’m only saying that, because the side of her hair looks like a pan dulce. You are doing it right when your hair looks like something found in the bakery section of Supermercado Gigante.

Delicioso! And you know when she got drunk at the end the night, she tried to eat the side of her head and looked like a puppy chasing its own tail.

Sofia Vergara’s Nalgas Can’t Be Tamed

If it’s morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn’t hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl’s costume. But it’s a picture of Sofia Vergara’s ass crack refusing to be ignored.

Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night’s Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara’s butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia’s nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.

They were winning so much that I’m sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn’t buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, “Please have my child.”

Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece’s luscious grizzly brows every night.