Erin Andrews Is Replacing Brooke Burke-Charvet As Tom Bergeron’s Future Ex-Cohost Of DWTS

Finally, memaws everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief and get back to that needlepoint turkey pillow they were working on before the Dancing With the Has-Beens scandal rocked nursing home dining rooms and the window seat with the puzzles (it’s their water cooler). You couldn’t so much as brush your scooter past the TV Guide without Mabel or Stanley piping up to remind you to say a prayer for “that lovely brunette girl from the ballroom show who was fired.”

In case you’re not familiar with the hot goss at Shady Maples Retirement Community: Brooke Burke-Charvet shocked the world on Friday afternoon when she announced that she was unceremoniously given a bankers box and told to pack her desk, all her pageant-ass gowns, and turn in her security badge along with her hosting mic. Neither ABC nor Dancing With the Stars had much to say about giving her the boot, but they said pretty much everything by leaking news of her replacement today. E! Online says that a source has confirmed that Fox Sports reporter Erin Andrews will replace Brooke as Tom Bergeron’s co-host for the 18th season of DWTS. Like Brooke, Erin has also previously competed on the show, which is good, because she’ll be able to tell the difference between the dances (every dance is literally the cha-cha to me).

I don’t know much about this Erin Andrews woman, so I decided to do some research (aka throw her name into the internet and see what kind of information would get burped up). As soon as I started typing Erin Andrews, it auto-corrected to Erin Andrews Annoying Voice, so…we’re already off to a great start. Annoying, you say? How annoying? Annoying enough that I might start hate-watching Dancing With the Stars? However did ABC know I’d need something on Monday nights to replace The Bachelor once it ends. Thanks ABC! Your muffin basket is in the mail.

And a note to Erin? Don’t get too comfortable. If history can teach us anything, it’s that in 9-12 months you’ll be replaced by Melissa Rycroft.

Memaws Everywhere Are Pouring Out An Ensure For Brooke Burke-Charvet Today

If you have an oldie in your life who lives for Dancing With The Stars, I suggest you drop what you’re doing (your hangover nap will have to wait, goddamnit!) and get yourself over to their nursing home with a bag of Werthers and an Engelbert Humperdinck album, because they’re going to need some consoling after hearing the news that DWTS co-host Brooke Burke-Charvet has been fired. Call now and tell Memaw to put the kettle on so that a cup of hot water with a small lemon slice will be ready when you arrive.

In a statement released to E! Online, Brooke says that she can finally replace Nancy Grace’s nipple on the shelf where she stores surprises she never asked for, because her pink slip wasn’t really something she saw coming:

“I have enjoyed seven seasons co-hosting DWTS but understand the need for change considering the position of the show at this juncture. I’ve always been one to embrace change and looking forward to pursuing opportunities I previously wasn’t able to entertain because of contractual obligations to the show. I’ve seen my fair share of shocking eliminations in the ballroom but this one takes the cake.”

Brooke Burke-Charvet now joins Lisa Canning, Samantha Harris, and Drew Lachey in an old abandoned dance studio nicknamed “Tom Bergeron’s Cast-Off Hoes Clubhouse.” Currently, there’s no word on who will replace Brooke, but if your Memaw asks, just tell her you’re sure it will be someone like that nice girl with such a lovely figure she likes from TV.

Both ABC and DWTS haven’t said why Brooke was given the boot, so until they release a statement, I’m going to play it safe and assume she was stealing staplers and pens from the office supply cabinet. Brooke, how could you! I know it’s tempting, but stapler-theft is never worth losing your job over!

(Pic: ABC)

OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE

I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but sometime last night, God gave up torturing us by freezing our asses in snow or making the closest store to my house run out of Cool Ranch Ds (THANKS, ASSHOLE), and decided to channel his inner Oprah and mercifully start granting prayer requests like it was the goddamn Favorite Things episode of our lives. All of our prayers are coming true, people! First Tantrum Toddler gets arrested for a DUI, and now there’s a possibility that my BRUCIE might be joining the 18th Season of Dancing With The Stars! God’s in a good mood and he’s granting all our wishes, so if you’ve ever wanted bigger titties or for the earth to open up and swallow Kris Jenner back into the 7th Layer of Hell, now’s the time!

I’ll be getting out my nicest scented pink note paper and a fresh glitter gel pen to write God a very sincere Thank You note today, because Us Weekly is reporting that the second-most talented Kardashian (second only to Khole, who is able to crush cans with her She-Hulk snatch) Bruce Jenner is in talks to appear on your Nana’s favorite show to fall asleep to:

“He’s dying to do it,” an insider tells Us. “The show is close to locking him in.”

Jenner has stepped into the ballroom before — as an audience member. The star previously cheered on stepdaughter Kim Kardashian, as she took 11th place in Season 7 with professional dancer Mark Ballas. Kim’s younger brother, Rob Kardashian, followed in her footsteps when he joined Season 13 of the dancing competition in 2011. He and Cheryl Burke were eliminated in week 10.

“He would have fun with it,” Rob told Us.

Have fun with it? Rob, you fucking sock-hawking dummy, he’d DOMINATE that competition with his raw sex appeal and sensuality. Can you imagine Bruce gracefully waltzing across the floor to Endless Love as his beautiful freedom-tail shimmers against the sequins on his costume? Uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have pictured Bruce grinding against Cheryl Burke so soon after scrolling through those hot pictures of Joe Exotic. I’m going to need a change of pants, a million towels, whatever they used to soak up the Iowa River flood (probably sawdust?) and a moment to catch my breath.

(Pic via Splash)

Jessie Spano Paid Homage To Her “I’m So Excited” Freakout On DWTS

On the sequins-covered 35 car pile-up that is Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, contestants did a dance inspired by a memorable year in their life. Obviously we know that the MOST memorable time in Elizabeth Berkley’s life was the time she made cinema’s answer to the Bible, SHOWGIRLS, but she’s still in denial and hopefully a therapist will help her see the light soon. So she said that next to having her son, doing Saved By The Bell was the most memorable time in her life, so she paid tribute to that time by recreating the legendary caffeine pill meltdown.

YAASS! You know, Jessie Spano and the humanized Ukrainian Chick-O-Stick Val Chmerkovskiy really brought something new to “I’m So Excited” and made me realize what the original scene was missing. The “I’m So Excited” scene from Saved By The Bell would’ve won several honorary Emmys if Zack Morris did the entire scene without a shirt on…like Val did!

Since Elizabeth Berkley is paying tribute to important moments in her career. I fully expect her to recreate the flopping dolphin scene from Showgirls. I will never be able to look her in the face again if she doesn’t.

And here’s my second favorite dance of the night. Leah Remini said that this past year has been the most memorable year in her life, because she’s made a big change by deciding that she’s not going to be told what to do anymore. (Translation: Bitch quit Scientology.) Leah played a puppet who breaks free from her puppeteer.

What a mess. I love it. But I would’ve loved it more if Tony Dovolani wore an alien mask. And John Travolta doesn’t know whether to hiss at this or kiss it all over. On one hand, Leah is calling out Scientology. On the other hand, John Travolta can’t say no to an on-stage costume change and jazz hands. So conflicted!

Bill Nye Is Totally Going To Win DWTS!

The 750th season of Dancing with No Stars (And A-Listers Like Valerie Harper, Nomi Malone And Bill Nye) premiered last night and I’m already writing in to Congress, the Supreme Court and Betty White (since she is the supreme decision maker of America) to ask them to disqualify a few of those whores for unfair practices!

Amber Riley from Glee and Corbin Bleu from High School Musical got the highest scores of the night, which is surprising to absolutely no one since they’ve both danced professionally before. They tried to play it off by spitting out some shit like, “I haven’t taken a dance class in years! I’ve been focusing on my singing! I miss dancing! I’ve never danced with a partner before! I barely know what dancing is!,” but please. Those lying, cheating whores. Yes, Elizabeth Berkley tied with Corbin for the second highest score of the night and she’s one of the most skilled dancers in the world (see: practically ever scene in Showgirls), but anybody who’s been in Showgirls can do no wrong, so I’ll let her slide.

Anyway, even though Amber Riley was 3 points away from a perfect score and should probably be declared the winner so we can be spared from watching the rest of the season, Bill Nye was the star of the night. Because he’s Bill Nye the Science Guy, he just had to dance to a song with the word “science” in it. Bill and his partner Tyne Stecklein did the Cha-cha-cha to “Weird Science.” He looked like a half-paralyzed grandpa turtle on extra-strength ludes trying to crawl to a piece of wet lettuce. What I’m trying to say is that his dance was amazing and all the votes should go to Bill.

VOTE FOR BILL!

Bill Nye’s performance is the only performance you need, but click here if you really need to see the others.

Bill Nye’s Going To Be On Dancing With The Stars

The cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens is usually a mound of sad, desperate sludge at the bottom of a whatevercomesafterZ-list cesspool, but this season’s cast is more like a piece of fungus stuck to rock at the bottom of a whatevercomes-afterZ-list cesspool and that’s because bright shining A-list stars like Bill Nye, Elizabeth Berkley and Valerie Harper are in it.

On Good Morning America today, ABC announced the cast of national treasures (see: Bill, Nomi Malone and Rhoda) and has-beens (see: pretty much everybody else) who will dance for a check and relevancy on the new season of DWTS. TMZ leaked some of the cast list a couple of weeks ago, but they didn’t name Bill Nye. Bill Nye’s partner is Tyne Stecklein and I hope that the only song they dance to is the BILL! BILL! BILL! chant. I also hope that after every dance, he explains the scientific benefits that said dance brings to my body. Bill Nye is dancing in the name of science!

But as much as I want to see that Dollar Tree Mirror Ball trophy next to Bill’s Honorary Doctor of Science degree on a shelf in his office, Elizabeth Berkley’s got this. Elizabeth was in the greatest dance movie of all time, Showgirls, and she’s a former member of the highly-esteemed dance troupe Hot Sundae:

And Elizabeth better pay homage to Nomi Malone by doing the “dying dolphin flop” at least once.

Here’s the rest of the cast and it goes without saying, but ABC really fucked up by not including Twerking Minnie Mouse in this mess.