The Time Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Allegedly) Slapped Hope Solo Around

Hans Solo’s long lost daughter and gold medal-winning soccer player Hope Solo has an autobiography out called Solo: A Memoir of Hope and in it she writes about how during rehearsals for Dancing with the Has-Beens, her partner Maksim Douchekovskiy regularly busted some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her ass by slapping her around. Anybody who watches Dancing For Relevancy knows that Maks is a grade A asshole and a come-to-life Axe Body Spray bottle who sometimes handles his partners like they’re made of Beanie Baby sand and Toaster Strudel frosting packets (I’m talking about Kirstie Alley).

UsWeekly has the piece in question from Hope’s book and she claims that Maks slappity slap slap slapped her hard in the face (and other parts) to get her to do the right moves:

“He manhandled me in rehearsals from the start, pushing me, whacking my stomach, bending my arms roughly. I thought that was just how it went — how dancers worked with each other. But it kept getting worse. One day, Maks was trying to put me in a certain position and hit my stomach so hard with his open palm that I had a red handprint there for the rest of the day.”

Hope says that she never told the producers about how Maks Riverdanced on her face with his hands, because she didn’t want to screw up his career and she felt the tabloids would flip it and call her a whiny diva bitch. That’s Hope’s side and Maks, of course, is farting out the opposite.

Maks is saying that Hope is SoLOW (it’s Friday, leave me alone for that one) for manufacturing fake scandalousness to sell her book. Maks doesn’t understand why Hope would just make shit up, because they’ve stayed friendly since the show ended and she even invited him to see Team USA play at the Olympics. Maks tweeted this message yesterday and it’s pretty obvious that he’s talking about Hope:

Always hated hypocrites and liars…but when someone is both AND an opportunist, I just feel bad for them. Can’t win at someone’s expense…

Who to believe?! Let’s roll that not-so-beautiful bean footage. Skip to around the 1:15 mark to watch Maks getting a little rough with Hope before having a twat bag hissy fit and storming out of the room. The gay Ken Doll angel Derek Hough flies in to soothe Hope.

This is why Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms needs to be on Dancing with the Never-Wases and this is why Masks needs to be her partner. The minute Maks raises a hand to her, she’ll pour Arby’s horsey sauce on his wrist, bite it off and force him to continue dancing with her. “(“I’ll just hold the stump, bitch! Stop crying! Be professional!” – Abby Lee Miller) And she won’t even let Maks take a break to call bionic arm maker Sun Jifa with his other hand .

Man Ass Galore: The NSFWish Magic Mike Trailer

FINALLY! Those Magic Mike hos realized that what’s really going to sell this Showgirls with floppy dicks mess isn’t a stupid plot nobody cares about or a dumb ass annoying girl, it’s oiled up man ass. (Side Whisper: Why, hello there, John Travolta. I know you’re here since you have “oiled up man ass” in your Google alerts.) Press the mute button on this shit unless you really want a side of RiRi’s goat yodel with your man ass. Then hit pause at 0:10 to see Alex Pettyfer’s ass, then again at 0:12 to see Matt Boner face hump a lady, then again at 0:31 to see Pettyfer pout with both lips, then again at 0:46 to see a shadow of Big Dick Richie’s prosthetic peen, then again at 0:52 to see some Texas T-Rex ass and finally hit the double lines at 0:54 for Channing Tatum’s sideways smile. If you need me, I’ll be trying to find a way to make holograms of all those screen grabs to put under the lid of my coffin.

via Queerty

Nigel Barker Is Handling Unemployment Really Well

When I first scanned across these pictures with my eyes, I braced myself for non-stop puckering by clenching my cheeks, because I really thought this was noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker telling Tyra to kiss his ass and all these man asses as he posed in a photo call for his new job as host of America’s Next Top Nalgas. That was wishful fapping, because this is really British swan and choreographer Louie Spence at the opening of the Girls’ Day Out Show in Glasgow, Scotland today. This is what you see when you put a rainbow under a microscope. This is also what it looks like when it’s buffet night at the Scientology men’s lounge. Grab the flavored butt lube and enlarge each pic at your own risk.

Who Wants To See Patrick Schwarzenegger’s Busted And Bloody Butt Cheek?

In “I’m sure your sick ass will find a way to fap to this” news, Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 18-year-old son Patrick had a BITCH GOES BOOM accident yesterday while skiing with his family in Sun Valley, Idaho. Patrick spent a quick minute in the hospital, but he was well enough to Tweet a picture of the gaping, bloody gash on his nalgas. If you’re the kind of weak bitch who gets light in the head over a bloody ass, then please put that disclaimer in your Grindr profile, because I hate it when a top passes out at the sight of a horror show butt. It totally kills the romance. Also, if a bloody ass slit gives the weezies, keep your black arrow away from this link. JUMP!

It kind of looks like a labia-less chocha slit! Patrick should be proud of that nasty ass cut, because the true sign of a fulfilled life is a bruised and battered butt full of party wounds.

I’ll Take What I Can Get

The gayfetti is still exploding in my head after Maryland became the latest state for me to become somebody’s huzzban’ during a drunken ass whim (I’m thinking I’ll have a Female Trouble-themed wedding in honor of Baltimore’s crown jewel John Waters), and now the gayfetti is exploding down below after my eyes touched this picture of Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William partying their nipples off in a locker room. This shit is totally fake and comes from photographer Alison Jackson who is known for creating lukewarm escandaloso royal scenes using a PHG look-alike and a Prince William look-alike (who also does “Left at the Altar Because I’m An Annoying Bitch Now Let’s Eat My Tears Off Of My Wedding Cake” parties as Carrie Bradshaw).

Alison put together this level 6 panty creaming moment for UK Cosmo’s 40th anniversary. While I appreciate that Cosmo published this picture next to their article on labia decals (I’m guessing), I CAN’T with them and Alison for putting Prince Fake Ginge’s ass cheek in the background. PHG’s royal nalgas are the money and fake Prince William’s face should be in the background. Actually, fake Prince William should really be on the porcelain throne, because judging by his facial expression his end is about to crowneth a turd, as Queen Elizabeth I always said.

via OUT (Thanks, Seth)

Dancing With The…Who Are These Hos?!

Today on Good Morning Amurica, ABC announced the newest cast of questions marks and has-beens who will shake their nipples off either a much-needed check, a defibrillator pad to their flatlining career or both!

That headline is sort of sprinkled with lies, because I recognize 9 out of 12 of these “stars,” but I stuff my head with all kinds of useless shit instead of shit I should probably know. Like I can tell you the first and last name of all the cast members from Rags to Riches without IMDBing for a clue, but if you asked me what my dad’s birthday is, I’d make the same face White Oprah makes when someone asks her the names of her sons (aka the leeches who don’t contribute to her gin fund).

I know a lot of the hos on the new cast of Dancing for Relevancy, but if you haven’t turned your brain into a dilapidated pop culture junkyard like I have, you probably don’t know a lot of them. So let’s play a game. If you know the ho, then you know the ho. But if their name makes you squint while brain burping out a question mark, then they’re officially a stranger bitch. Let’s play!

Star: William Levy, Cuban hot piece who should be ordered by the United Nations to never wear clothes for peacekeeping purposes.
Partner: MOP HEAD (Damn that bitch)!
Verdict: I know that ho. I know that ho so well that I can sketch his peen print from memory.

Star: Sherri “The German” Shepherd, flat world advocate and one of the screeching hyenas on The View.
Partner: Val Chmerkovskiy
Verdict: I know that ho and I curse the day that I could say that shit with confidence.

Star: URKEL (government name: Jaleel White)
Partner: Kross Eyed Kym
Verdict: I know that ho and he better dance as Myrtle Urkel.

Star: Martina Navratilova, tennis icon and legendary lez.
Partner: Tony Dovolani
Verdict: I know that ho and I already have a fever from picturing the glamour she’s going to give us in rhinestones and feathers.

Star: Jack Wagner, the breaker of Heather Locklear’s fragile heart!
Partner: Anna Trebunskaya
Verdict: I know that ho and he better Rumba to All I Need at least once every week.

Star: Donald Driver, football dude.
Partner: Peta Murgatroyd
Verdict: Stranger bitch. I know a lot of packers, but none of them are from Green Bay or wherever this dude is form.

Star: Maria Menounos, some EXTRA (extra being the key word) ho.
Partner: Derek Hough
Verdict: I know that ho.

Star: Roshon Fegan, one of Mickey Mouse’s hos and star on some show called Shake It Up.
Partner: Chelsie Hightower.
Verdict: Stranger bitch.

Star: Gavin DeGraw, a member of the John Mayer tribe and a Guinness World Record holder for being the only dude on the planet who still wears newsboy caps past the age of 30 and under the age of 65.
Partner: Karina Smirnoff Ice.
Verdict: I know that ho and I can’t wait to see the disco ball lights ricochet off of his epic forehead.

Star: Glady Knight, no description of her skills needed.
Partner: Tristan MacManus
Verdict: I know that ho.

Star: Katherine Jenkins, opera singer.
Partner: Mark Ballas
Verdict: Stranger bitch

Star: Melissa Gilbert, star of Hollywood Wives: The New Generation!
Partner: Maksim Douchekovisky
Verdict: I know that ho.

So even though this is probably one of the worst casts ever, there’s only 3 stranger bitches among them for me. Not bad. Hopefully, ABC makes up for this shit cast by putting William Levy in a Spandex dong hammock (and keeping Sherri Shepherd out of anything Spandex) every week.