Roseanne Barr Begged ABC Not To Dump Her Show, And There’s A Chance They’ll Bring It Back Without Her
It took Mickey Mouse approximately forty-five seconds to gather one of his biggest cash cows, the Roseanne revival, and shoot it out back after Roseanne Barr earned a place as KKK Monthly’s Person of the Year by comparing Valerie Jarrett to an ape. Even though Roseanne could’ve brought in $65 million in ad sales for its second season, ABC canceled it after one of its producers Wanda Sykes washed her hands of it and several cast members clutched their pearls while cooing, “I do declare, I am disgusted that Roseanne tweeted the kind of tweet she’s tweeted many times over the years!” Roseanne tweeted yesterday that she begged ABC to keep the show, and now TMZ is saying that ABC may keep the show but it’ll be Roseanne without Roseanne. So, NOseanne, I guess.
RuPaul, Dolly Parton, Raquel Welch, Patti LaBelle, Little Richard, Marie Antoinette, King Louis XIV, Cher, a 13-year-old me at a Halloween party, Liberace, James Madison, Madonna, Cleopatra and the original Kylie, Kylie Minogue are just some of the tricks who worked a wig long before 18-year-old Kylie Jenner swam toward her mother’s demon ovary egg and became the last member of the fame whore koven. But Kylie Jenner lives in a teenage bubble of delusion and thinks that she’s an important wig pioneer!
Kylie, who is already saying that she was miskwoted, is featured in Marie Claire’s “Fresh Faces” issue (hey, I’m sure she sleeps on a packet of silica packets, so technically her face is always fresh) and they’ve burped up a few quotes from their interview with her. Kim 2.0 talked about Caitlyn, posting half-naked pics on Instagram and how she’s the trendsetter of all trendsetters. Before Kylie wore a wig, we were all bald bitches who didn’t know that wigs existed. Before Kylie injected melted plastic into her lips, we were all thin-lipped tricks who didn’t know we could plump up our lips into the shape of rubber slugs. Before Kylie took a roller dipped in burnt sienna-colored paint to her skin, we were all pasty white hos who didn’t know about self-tanner. Thank you, Kylie!
On knowing about Caitlyn Jenner for yeeeeears: “I’ve always known. It was a secret we just couldn’t talk about.”
On inventing wigs: “I started wigs, and now everyone is wearing wigs. Kim [Kardashian] just used my wig guy last night…I just do whatever I want to do, and people will follow.”
On posting half-naked pics on social media: “When I post sexy photos, I always regret it. Like, Oh my God, everyone is seeing my body. I get really weird about it.”
But really, my feelings about Kylie Jenner declaring herself the godmother of wigs are best expressed through this legendary GIF. In this GIF, the role of Cleopatra’s ghost is played by that angry drag queen and the role of Kylie Jenner is played by that foolish queen in a crown: