Charlize Theron Doesn’t Really Know What “Ghosting” Is But Says She Didn’t Do That Shit To Sean Penn

When Charlize Theron finally woke up from the dickmatized haze that the barbecued Alf doll Sean Penn put her under, there were rumors that she ghosted his ass. But in a new interview with the WSJ. magazine, Charlize says that she didn’t ghost Sean and she doesn’t even really know what “ghosting” is!

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Charlize Theron Adopted Another Baby

If anyone was wondering why the beautiful and momentarily dickmatized Charlize Theron and desiccated anal gland Sean Penn broke up, here you go. TMZ reports that Imperator Furiosa adopted an African-American girl child from here in the States last month. She’s named the infant August. As far as asshole celebrity baby-names go, that’s not bad. It’s not Williamsburg Jacuzzi but it’s not Jennifer either. It’ll do. Is the baby named August because that’s when Charlize’s publicist broke the news? That’s kind of uninspired but hey, Charlize is probably really busy.

This is oddly concurrent with Penn looking for a day-old black baby for his movie. Do you think he had somehow used his hypno-peen to whammy her into adopting the type of baby he wanted just for a scene in his movie? And she finally broke his spell and busted out of his humidor crotch to save that impending adopted child? Or maybe she just realized pompous, angry, and naugahyde wasn’t the look for a dad.

Check out more pics of Charlize Theron looking incredibly thrilled to be papped while arriving at LAX yesterday in the gallery below.

Pics: WENN

Sean Penn Is Looking To Cast A Day-Old Baby For A Movie Shoot

In California, it’s illegal to use newborns younger than 15 days old for any kind of TV or movie shoot. Babies who are between the ages of 16 days and 6 months can be used but only for 20 minutes a day. If there wasn’t a law, Michelle Duggar would have moved to California a long time ago and opened up a newborn acting agency in her twat. But in South Africa, where Sean Penn is directing a movie, there are no laws like that and a newborn baby can go directly from the womb to the makeup chair on a film set.

Deadline says that the hairy Craisin is currently in Cape Town doing reshoots for a movie called The Last Face (Side note: That face above might’ve been the last face you’ve seen, because there’s a good chance his piping hot skin burned your retinas). In the movie, Sean’s ex-piece Charlize Theron and Javier Bardem play doctors who are doing humanitarian relief work amidst a political/social revolution in Africa. Adèle Exarchopoulos and Jean Reno also star, and soon a 10-second-old baby will also join the cast.

Production recently put out a casting call for a pregnant black woman who is due to give birth any second now. If you’re a pregnant black woman in Cape Town who wants her newborn to be in a Sean Penn movie, but you’re going into labor right now, you better cross your legs tight and keep that baby up in there for another day. (Tip: Keep a picture of Jim Bob Duggar at the foot of your cooch and your baby will crawl up the other way real fast.) Production needs a baby that is coming into this world on either Saturday or Sunday. The baby will make $120 a day and may have to work for 2 days. Here’s the WTF notice they put out:

They should pay that baby more than $120 a day. That child is going to need some extra money to pay for all the therapy they’ll have to get from staring at Sean Penn’s George Hamilton nutsack face during the first few days of their life. I was going to say that Sean should rewrite the role and get Clint Eastwood to send him over the American Sniper fake baby, but that won’t work. The American Sniper fake baby is more famous than everyone in that movie and there’s no way Sean can afford its day rate.

Here’s Charlize working Heidi braids at the L.A. premiere of the straight-to-DirecTV movie Dark Places.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sean Penn Is Trying To Get Back With Charlize Theron

“RUN GIRL, RUUUUUUUN!” just shouted everyone with even the slightest knowledge of who Sean Penn is. Even the crusty sunburnt skin flakes gathering in Sean Penn’s forehead wrinkles are like “Like, sure, we’re close, but real talk – you don’t want any of this.”

According to Radar, Sean Penn is having a tough time letting go of Charlize Theron. Ever since she decided it was time to back away from the perpetually-angry overcooked campfire hotdog that is Sean Penn, a source says that Sean has been desperately trying to weasel his way back into her life. Apparently Sean’s brilliant plan to get Charlize back involved drunk-dialing her after a Rolling Stones concert (correction: It was actually a U2 concert. I’ve clearly had too much birthday cake-flavoured vodka today). And just like many of us would when we hear the words “Heyyyyy….you awake?” slurred through the phone by an ex, she responded by hanging up on his sloppy ass.

“Sean had been partying with the band, and he decided to call Charlize very late — it was obvious he was feeling no pain,” says the source. “He wanted to go over to Charlize’s house, but she said no way…she refused to be a booty call!”

The source also says that before Sean rang up Charlize, he was “very much acting like a single man on the prowl.” Ew. I just pictured Sean Penn slithering up to women at that U2 after-party and whispering “Hey mama, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, and that thing is someone willing to fuck me tonight. Wait – where are you going?“

Dickmatized No More: Charlize Theron May Have Dumped Sean Penn

According to UsWeekly, Charlize Theron may have woken up from the dickmatized spell she was under and decided that she wants her pussy to go leather free. Some sources tell both UsWeekly and E! News that Charlize dumped fire-roasted, angry leather douchebag Sean Penn after they got back from Cannes last month. No reason was given as to why their love ate shit after being together for a year and a half, but does there really need to be a reason? The reason is: Bitch realized she was going to marry Sean Penn.

But really, I thought Charlize’s cooch was hypnotized in a serious way. They got engaged, she was reportedly going to let him adopt her kid, she dribbled at the mouth about how hot he is and just last month, they were all on each other at The Life Ball. “Stage 1 dickmatization” is when you let a messy dude drive your car and “stage the number is too big to type dickmatization” is when you let a messy dude adopt your child.

Charlize Theron dumping Sean Peen gives hope to all the hos out there whose genitals are sprung on some good dick attached to the wrong dude. There is a cure for dickmatization!

Charlize Theron Brought Her Grumpy-Faced Fiancé To The Mad Max Premiere At Cannes

Is it just me, or is Sean Penn actually looking a little less grumpy than he normally does? Typically he looks like a charbroiled hot dog with severe anger management problems, but standing next to Charlize Theron is doing good things for him. He’s only barely giving off disgruntled dried apricot vibes.

The premiere of Mad Max: Fury Road happened at the Cannes Film Festival earlier today, and I’m sure it will win the Palme d’Or and the Grand Prix and every other award, because it’s clearly the type of serious arthouse cinema that fancy French film types would totally come crème fraîche over. So naturally, Charlize got all fancied up and got Sean Penn to put on a clean shirt (I hear he rage-sweats through at least 12 shirts a day). Unfortunately, all their red carpet classiness couldn’t hold a candle to man-made pearl and former Hot Slut Hofit Golan, it’s actually Russian TV star Elena Lenina (both Michael and I are DEEPLY ashamed that we mixed those two up):

Class, thy name is saying fuck it to nipple covers before you stick a bunch of lace appliques on your tits. I have no idea what kind of look Elena is going for, but if she was going for middle-aged Connie Conehead cleaning out her storage locker after receiving her 3rd notice and discovering a box containing her old Windmere crimper, a slutty angel Halloween costume, a bottle of expired sleeping pills, and some shriveled-up Avon bath beads, I’d say she nailed it.

Here’s more from the Mad Max red carpet, including Charlize looking like The Mustard Princess of Hot Dog City, Sean Penn looking like the mayor of said city, Julianne Moore, Fan Bingbing, and Michelle Rodriguez, whose dress fabric started bunching up around her waist and made it look like she had Shar-Pei skin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com