Category: Cat Fights
Rosie O’Donnell And Whoopi Got Into A Fight During A Commercial Break On The View
We’re only two weeks into the all-new The View, and already two of the hens are ready to peck each other’s eyes out. This may be a new record for ABC! Treat yourselves to lunch at In-N-Out today, you’ve earned it. According to the Daily Mail, come-to-life pair of casual pants Rosie O’Donnell and the no-fucks-left-to-give human CROC Whoopi Goldberg got into a nasty clucking match during a commercial break on The View that ended with Whoopi busting out several $2 swears.
Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children (oh here go hell come) during Hot Topics and they started to run out of time, so producers told Whoopi to cut her off and go to commercial. Rosie would have known the segment was running long if she too had been wearing an earpiece, but a source says Rosie O’Donnell don’t do earpieces! Whoopi threw some morning talk show shade by suggesting she start wearing an earpiece if she wants to know what’s going on. Once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and being a shade-slinging casual comfort cunt and saying she “hurt her feelings”.
Miley Cyrus Keeps Throwing Shade At Selena Gomez
Miley Cyrus must have run out of shit to rub her grimy hillbilly cooter on and dirty drugs to stuff into her possum mouth and slumber party dance routines to choreograph with her sister, because it appears she’s taken to fighting the Bangerz Tour down-time boredom by coming for toddler-faced chipmunk chanteuse Selena Gomez. It was foolish of me to assume that being woken up this morning by a bunch of rats getting into a noisy trash can fight would be the only time I’d be dealing with dramatic rodents today.
After losing the “Favourite International Artist or Group” award to Selena Gomez at the MuchMusic Video Awards (in association with Satan), Miley followed up her performance of “FU” with a cardboard cutout of Selena by taking a swipe at the long-lost 4th Chipette on Twitter:
wigged woting wis wack wust wayin
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) June 16, 2014
What Miley’s remaining freon-corroded brain cell was trying to say is: “Rigged voting is whack just sayin.” Rigged? Are you kidding me? It’s a MuchMusic Video Award; it makes the “No Cavities!” sticker they give out at the dentist look like a goddamn Nobel Prize. Bitch needs to chill the fuck out.
And furthermore, what the fuck crawled into Miley’s thong-chafed ass cheeks (besides crabs, obviously) to make her start throwing shade at Selena? Forget my initial comparison to rodents, this is turning into a bitchy 6th grade fight during recess. Miley makes a paper doll of Selena and gives it the middle finger. Then when Selena wins a spot on Student Council, Miley tells the rest of the 6th grade girls that the election was rigged and cries because she’s “more popular and has way better ideas for school dances”. Then Miley starts a rumor that Selena isn’t even allowed to shave her legs yet and calls her a baby for thinking Lip Smackers are the same as lipstick.
Here’s more of the coolest mean girl in middle school leaving Barcelona last night:
UPDATE: Lux, The Cat Who Terrorized A Portland Family, Is Getting Therapy
The fate of Lux, the raging fat pussy who scratched at a baby and held a family hostage in a bedroom, was left up in the air after the police caught his crazy ass and jailed him in a crate. I guessed that Lux would escape out of his crate and assemble an army of fellow angry pussies to get revenge on all of us humans. But Lux’s family says they’re going to keep him and they’re getting him help. Uh huh, they better also get their baby a onesie and bonnet made of armor, because you know Lux is ready for round two.
Lux became an overnight hero to Not The One Pussies everywhere when he went full crazy on Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker and their baby Jesse after Lee kicked him in the ass for scratching Jesse. After barricading themselves in a bedroom in their Portland, OR apartment, Lee called 911 and told the operator that Lux has a “history of violence” and that he “went over the edge.” The cops showed up and after they cleaned up the piss that trickled out of their pant legs from laughing so damn hard, they caught Lux and put him in a crate. Lee and Teresa said at the time that they weren’t sure what they were going to do with Lux. Yesterday, Lee and Teresa told reporters that they’re going to make it work with Lux and a pussy psychologist (Side note: I bet Dimitri the Lover has “pussy psychologist” on his business cards). via HuffPo
Two days after police arrived to subdue the 4-year-old part-Himalayan cat, owner Lee Palmer of Portland said he’s taking the feline to a veterinarian. A pet psychologist also is due at the house to see the cat, named Lux.
“We’re not getting rid of him right now,” Palmer said. “He’s been part of our family for a long time.”
Lee also dropped a little important fact about the details of the night that Lux “terrorized” his family. Lux scratched at the baby after the baby PULLED HIS TAIL! So Lux reasonably declares a massacuh after Jesse pulls his tail and Lee ass kicks him and he’s the one who’s gotta lay down on a tiny sofa and spill out his anger issues to a head doctor?! This is obviously a set up. I thought Lux came at that baby because he was jealous, but now I see that baby is trying to get Lux out of the picture. I see you, trouble-making baby.
But whatever, I hope that by “pet psychologist” they really mean “Jackson Galaxy” and I hope to see all of this unfold on a future episode of My Cat From Hell.
Because if anybody can save the day, it’s this pussy whisperer.
Watch Out, Brenda Walsh – Laura Ingalls Is Coming For You
I don’t know what Andy Cohen puts in the drinks on Watch What Happens Live, but it makes everyone turn into The Creature From The Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Lagoon and spill the truth faster than your mom after a breakup (“Ugh, good riddance; he dressed like a dickhead”). Take, for example, Wednesday night’s guest, Melissa Gilbert (aka The Not-Blind One on Little House on the Prairie) who had me nervously tugging at my collar as she told Andy what she’d do if she ever ran into the Ghost of Homewrecking Past, Shannen Doherty:
Andy Cohen: Shannen Doherty had a once-night-stand with your first husband. If you saw her on the street today, what would you say to her?
Melissa Gilbert: I wouldn’t say anything, I would just punch her in the nose.
Uh, are you sure about that? We’re taking about Shannen Doherty. Crazy Shannen Doherty. Punching Shannen is like an invitation to fight; she’d RSVP to your nose-punch by choke-slamming you against a box of bounced checks, cracking an empty bottle over your skull, then whipping out a guitar to riff the shit out of the 90210 theme song over your defeated corpse. And then when your husband comes to identify your body, she fucks him. So maybe you should think this through a bit more.
And speaking of fucking, Melissa also talked about one of her ex-boyfriends, Tommy Girl Cruise, who she never fucked:
Andy Cohen: Cher said on this show that he was one of the best lovers she’s ever had. Did you have a similar experience?
Melissa Gilbert: I did not have sex with him. We made out, but honestly, there was no sex. He was a struggling actor and I was working; I actually bought him his first set of dishes.
She bought him dishes and they made out? That’s the kind of weird, vague story you tell when your ass has been told not to say ANYTHING. “Oh, you know. We just went shopping for pants and watched an old episode of Gilligan’s Island. We definitely did nothing with a gerbil. Now stop asking me questions.”
(Pic via Bravo)
One Of Us! One Of Us! Martha Stewart Keeps It Real When Asked About Goopy
Even though I live by the mantra You don’t start no shit there won’t be no shit, I can still respect a street bitch who lives by Come at me; especially when it comes from an unexpected place. Martha Stewart may look like your favorite Sunday School teacher who worked part-time at a Coldwater Creek outlet store, but deep-down she’s a stone-cold thug who sleeps with one eye open and holds a roll of pennies in her right fist at all times. Prison didn’t change Martha; it just brought the real Martha out (her prison name is Glue Gunz).
TMZ recently caught up with Martha Stewart and asked her the million-dollar question regarding wanna-be Martha, Gwyneth Paltrow (“Where could one buy this million-dollar question?” – Gwyneth Paltrow). Wilmer Valderrama got that phantom feeling he had a job again, because Martha turned that parking lot out like she was filming an episode of MTV’s Yo Momma:
TMZ: So, in these days, who’s still the better lifestyle coach, you or Gwyneth?
Martha Stewart: Lifestyle coach? Oh for heaven’s sake, you have to live to be a coach.
Martha then dropped a spatula like a mic and did the crip walk with Snoop Dogg. I fucking wiiiiiiiiish! No, but I bet she did get a text from Sir Ian McKellen that said: “Can you come over and help me write something?”
That TMZ photographer needs to ditch the camera and apply to be a late-night talk show sidekick, because he set-up that joke for Martha like a pro. This isn’t the first time Martha has reminded us who the real Head Bitch In Charge Of Outdoor Pizza Ovens is, but it is the cuntiest. My computer just auto-corrected ‘cuntiest’ to contest. No, computer, you’re wrong – it’s not a contest; a contest is a struggle for superiority or victory between rivals. Gwyneth is so far out of Martha’s league, she could barely place in a Would You Rather contest between herself and Martha’s chow chow Genghis Khan (because – duh – the dog would win every time).
Does Martha have a bony barn cat? Maybe an undercooked plate of pasta that hasn’t made it to the trash yet? I mean, if we’re going to fight, it at least needs to be a fair fight.
Here’s Gwyneth hiding her face from the embarrassment of being burned by Martha while arriving at JFK with her kids yesterday.
Pics: Splash
There’s No ‘It’ Toy This Christmas For People To Fight Over This Year
I don’t have kids, so I may be wrong here, but it’s my understanding that parents spend the days leading up to Black Friday training like Rocky and camping out in front of the nice Target (there’s always a nicer Target, and it’s usually located in the same plaza as the nice Chilis) with the goal of being the first person to grab a Tickle Me Elmo without getting assaulted. It’s kind of how we ring in the Christmas season? A Home Alone marathon on TV and taking a non-fatal stab wound to the leg over an iPad? Well, according to The Washington Post (via Jezebel), confused parents all across the country are putting their brass knuckles back into storage, because they won’t need them this year:
“There are no hot toys this year; there really aren’t,” said Gerrick Johnson, a toy industry analyst at BMO Capital Markets. “We don’t have a Tickle Me Elmo or a Zhu Zhu Pet or a Cabbage Patch Kid — nothing that is approaching phenomenon status.”
Instead, decades-old classics are inching their way back to the top of Christmas lists. According to a National Retail Federation survey released Thursday, 26 percent of shoppers said Barbies would be their primary purchase for girls. For boys, Legos were the most popular item, with 10.6 percent of customers on board.
There you have it. If you have a kid in your life, throw them a Barbie or Star Wars Lego and call it a day. But get them the real shit, because kids don’t want your off-brand Dollar Tree trash. There’s nothing worse than ripping into a Barbie doll-shaped present Christmas morning and finding a fake Barbie where a real Barbie should be, her stick-on eyes staring at you as if to say: “I know my left leg looks like a melted plastic nub, but you’re the one who owns me, so let’s just accept that both of our lives kind of suck.”
Fun Fact: As a Canadian person, I’ve never experience Black Friday. We have Boxing Day, but it’s not the same; it happens on December 26th and it’s really just an excuse to get away from the Christmas dinner turkey fart fog that’s blanketed your home. But since I’m currently living south of the border, a friend and I will be doing Black Friday stuff. And by ‘doing Black Friday stuff’, I mean ‘watching people bum-rush the barricades in front of a mall entrance and getting into scream-fights over discounted bottles of slightly-damaged One Direction perfume’. Ring the bells, Christmas is here! U-S-A! U-S-A!
(Pic via Toledo Blade)