I Should’ve Taken The Lead Of Everyone In The Front Row

June 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Those girls in the front row have the right idea. Whenever a member of Pimp Mama Kris’ stable of fame whores comes into your sight line, immediately shift your eyeballs and focus to absolutely anything else! They learned from my ongoing mistakes. They didn’t feed the fame whores. They started taking pictures of something way more interesting and I’m told posing next to Kendall and Kylie Jenner was a white wall with a streak of white paint drying on it. And I was also told that the parents of the blondie in the baby blue shirt have checked into a hospital after overdosing on embarrassment from seeing their son get excited over PMK’s girls.

The US still wants to punish Canada for inflicting the mutant diaper rash Justin Bieber on us, so we retaliated by sending over the next Kim and Kourtney. Kendall and Kylie Jenner hosted the MuchMusic Awards in Toronto last night and I’m guessing producers went with them, because literally everybody else on earth was not available. The producers probably asked Kendull and Kylie to host, because they were hoping they’d get a viral moment when Kendall’s head popped off of her neck after trying to read really hard words (examples: the, a, music, much, etc…) on the teleprompter in front of her. Kendall must’ve taken a Hooked on Phonics crash course, because she didn’t get tripped up by the teleprompter. But she did make sure to get as much attention as possible by wearing a tablecloth from the LOOK AT ME LOOK AT OH GOD LOOK AT ME PLEASE collection. My thoughts about that dress are best expressed through this picture of North West going “zzzzzzzzzz.”


North West is just doing what all of us do when we encounter a Kanye West. We close our eyes, lie real still and pretend to be asleep so he won’t attack (aka rant about himself) us. But back to that dress….

Who ever designed that dress better hide out in a giant pool of holy water in the middle of a church, because Pimp Mama Kris is coming to get them. How dare they design a dress that didn’t fly up when a slight wind hit it and expose Kendall’s krotch? PMK is weeping at the missed opportunity. Right after Kendall finished posing on the red carpet, an assistant handed her a phone and on the other end was PMK who said, “Kendall, I am so disappointed in you. How could you wear a dress that didn’t expose your hoo-ha? Have I taught you NOTHING, honey?

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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