Pussy Riot Has Accused Bella Thorne Of Ripping Off Their Signature Ski Masks

In between cleaning more than a dozen kitty litter boxes, Bella Thorne has been working on her makeup and clothing brand, Filthy Fangs. Unfortunately, Bella is going to have a hard time catching up to other 21-year-old business moguls her age, because she keeps getting accused of blatantly ripping people off. Over the summer, Bella released several Filthy Fangs eyeshadow palettes that looked a whole lot like another makeup company’s eyeshadow palette, and she was promptly called out for it. Bella’s company just released some Filthy Fangs-branded ski masks that had the members of the Russian feminist protest band Pussy Riot thinking Bella’s been up to her old tricks again.

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Lux’s Impact: A Rage-Filled Cat Named Khat Puts Three Humans In The Hospital

And so it begins…. The pussies of the world heard about their new overlord Lux terrorizing and scratching fear into his family and they’re beginning to revolt… Arm yourselves with catnip or something shiny.

ABC News10 (via Daily Mail) says that three people in Roseville, CA had to go the hospital on Tuesday night after a raging pussy went crazy and wreaked havoc on their asses. The year-and-a-half-old cat named Khat scratched his owner’s sister in the face, put deep gashes in the legs of his owner’s 10-year-old son and scratched up the legs and arms of his owner’s mom. The family didn’t exactly say why Khat rose up against them and went Porsha Stewart on their asses, but the owner, who didn’t want to be identified, says that he’s never been violent.

“The cat ran and jumped on his leg and was like, attached to him. He’s never been an aggressive cat, he’s never been mean, he just flipped.”

Animal Control was closed at the time of the pussy riot, so the police and firefighters had to come out to the house to handle Khat. They threw a blanket over him and used a metal pole to get him into a cage. Khat is currently in jail at the SPCA. The three humans who Khat tore up were released from the ER that night.

I’m sure Lux has already sprung Khat free and recruited him for the Pussies Against Humans army. Khat has two good reasons for rising up against the humans. Humans named him Khat and humans dressed him in that collar and tie. Dress a pussy up like Alec Baldwin and he’ll act like Alec Baldwin.

UPDATE: Lux, The Cat Who Terrorized A Portland Family, Is Getting Therapy

The fate of Lux, the raging fat pussy who scratched at a baby and held a family hostage in a bedroom, was left up in the air after the police caught his crazy ass and jailed him in a crate. I guessed that Lux would escape out of his crate and assemble an army of fellow angry pussies to get revenge on all of us humans. But Lux’s family says they’re going to keep him and they’re getting him help. Uh huh, they better also get their baby a onesie and bonnet made of armor, because you know Lux is ready for round two.

Lux became an overnight hero to Not The One Pussies everywhere when he went full crazy on Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker and their baby Jesse after Lee kicked him in the ass for scratching Jesse. After barricading themselves in a bedroom in their Portland, OR apartment, Lee called 911 and told the operator that Lux has a “history of violence” and that he “went over the edge.” The cops showed up and after they cleaned up the piss that trickled out of their pant legs from laughing so damn hard, they caught Lux and put him in a crate. Lee and Teresa said at the time that they weren’t sure what they were going to do with Lux. Yesterday, Lee and Teresa told reporters that they’re going to make it work with Lux and a pussy psychologist (Side note: I bet Dimitri the Lover has “pussy psychologist” on his business cards). via HuffPo

Two days after police arrived to subdue the 4-year-old part-Himalayan cat, owner Lee Palmer of Portland said he’s taking the feline to a veterinarian. A pet psychologist also is due at the house to see the cat, named Lux.

“We’re not getting rid of him right now,” Palmer said. “He’s been part of our family for a long time.”

Lee also dropped a little important fact about the details of the night that Lux “terrorized” his family. Lux scratched at the baby after the baby PULLED HIS TAIL! So Lux reasonably declares a massacuh after Jesse pulls his tail and Lee ass kicks him and he’s the one who’s gotta lay down on a tiny sofa and spill out his anger issues to a head doctor?! This is obviously a set up. I thought Lux came at that baby because he was jealous, but now I see that baby is trying to get Lux out of the picture. I see you, trouble-making baby.

But whatever,  I hope that by “pet psychologist” they really mean “Jackson Galaxy” and I hope to see all of this unfold on a future episode of My Cat From Hell. 

Because if anybody can save the day, it’s this pussy whisperer.

This Is News: Family Calls 911 After A Fat, Angry Pussy Holds Them Hostage

You probably read that headline and thought to yourself, “Alec Baldwin must be stopped!”

If that legendary video from last December of a Not The One Pussy busting some Mortal Kombat shit on the asshole who kicked him taught us anything, it’s that you should never kick a cat unless you want to end up on the local news after it makes you its bitch. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Portland, Oregon learned this the hard way on Sunday night when their crazed cat Lux held them hostage in their bedroom after Lee kicked that pussy (that’s called pulling a Michael Lohan) for attacking their 7-month-old baby Jesse.

Lee Palmer later told the police and WBTV that he watched Lux come at and scratch Baby Jesse, but he didn’t say why Lux attacked his baby. Is Baby Jesse a genius who can read the minds of cats and knew Lux was planning to overthrow the household? Did Baby Lux have that hussy’s number? Was Lux pissed that he was no longer the star of the house? We’ll never know until Baby Jesse learns how to talk and tells us what really happened in a follow-up to this highly important story in 3 years. We better get a follow up to this highly important story in 3 years.

After Lee watched Lux scratch his baby, he “kicked the cat in the rear.” SHOTS FIRED! That was the beginning of the end for the Palmer-Barker family. Getting kicked in the ass sent Lux over the edge and rage filled that 22lb pussy (“Why do I feel like I’ve written that down in a patient’s file before?” – Lil’ Kim’s gynecologist). Lux was out for human blood, so Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker (based on her last name, she’s obviously a natural born dog lover), Baby Jesse and their little dog barricaded themselves in the bedroom as that mad pussy tried to get in. They called 911 and the call is why I laughed myself awake this morning when I heard it.

The fluent felinese speakers out there can correct me if I’m wrong, but “RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” translates to “I’m the captain now!” in English, right?

The cops arrived and when they tried to catch Lux, who has a “history of violence,” with a dog snare, that pussy tried to flee custody. They eventually got him and put him behind bars in the family’s home. The family doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to keep Lux.

Oh, they’ll never have to make that decision. It’s only a matter of time before Lux escapes out of his crate, puts on a beret and joins the other cat comrades in the Pussy Takeover Movement. Captain Lux and the other cats who are sick of us humans controlling everything will one day strike and make us all their slaves. We should prepare by buying all of the laser pointers at Staples. It’s going to be a vicious, vicious battle. It’s going to be a little adorable too, but mostly vicious.