Watch Out, Brenda Walsh – Laura Ingalls Is Coming For You

January 24, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know what Andy Cohen puts in the drinks on Watch What Happens Live, but it makes everyone turn into The Creature From The Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Lagoon and spill the truth faster than your mom after a breakup (“Ugh, good riddance; he dressed like a dickhead”). Take, for example, Wednesday night’s guest, Melissa Gilbert (aka The Not-Blind One on Little House on the Prairie) who had me nervously tugging at my collar as she told Andy what she’d do if she ever ran into the Ghost of Homewrecking Past, Shannen Doherty:

Andy Cohen: Shannen Doherty had a once-night-stand with your first husband. If you saw her on the street today, what would you say to her?

Melissa Gilbert: I wouldn’t say anything, I would just punch her in the nose.

Uh, are you sure about that? We’re taking about Shannen Doherty. Crazy Shannen Doherty. Punching Shannen is like an invitation to fight; she’d RSVP to your nose-punch by choke-slamming you against a box of bounced checks, cracking an empty bottle over your skull, then whipping out a guitar to riff the shit out of the 90210 theme song over your defeated corpse. And then when your husband comes to identify your body, she fucks him. So maybe you should think this through a bit more.

And speaking of fucking, Melissa also talked about one of her ex-boyfriends, Tommy Girl Cruise, who she never fucked:

Andy Cohen: Cher said on this show that he was one of the best lovers she’s ever had. Did you have a similar experience?

Melissa Gilbert: I did not have sex with him. We made out, but honestly, there was no sex. He was a struggling actor and I was working; I actually bought him his first set of dishes.

She bought him dishes and they made out? That’s the kind of weird, vague story you tell when your ass has been told not to say ANYTHING. “Oh, you know. We just went shopping for pants and watched an old episode of Gilligan’s Island. We definitely did nothing with a gerbil. Now stop asking me questions.”

(Pic via Bravo)

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