Bobby Brown Got Another DUI

Bobby Brown was arrested on March 26, 2012 for being a drunk driving mess, and so he celebrated the 7 month anniversary of his last DUI a little early by getting another DUI this morning. HAPPY SEMI-ANNUAL DUI, Bobby B!

TMZ says that around 1 this morning in L.A., police noticed that Bobby Brown’s car was swerving and sliding all over the street. Bitch’s car was doing the Every Little Step dance. They pulled Bobby over and when the police walked up to his window, they knew what it felt like to toss White Oprah’s salad as she lets out a fart. The inside of Bobby’s car smelled like sad desperation wrapped in a cloud of whiskey fumes and Pall Mall smoke.

Bobby agreed to do a sobriety test and he got an F. Bobby became one with a pair of handcuffs, was taken to the station and posed for his 500th mug shot. Bobby hasn’t bailed out yet.

See, here’s a good reason for why Bobby should try to build a strong and trusting relationship with his daughter Bobbi Kristina. Bobbi Kristina is supposedly sober right now and what stupid Bobby really needs is a designated driver who will drive him around while he gets boozed all the way up in the passenger seat. If I ever have kids, I’m going to try to be as nice to them as possible, but only because in 20 years I don’t want them to hang up on my face when I call them to pick my drunk ass up from the bar.

Good Luck With That, Michael Lohan

With a TMZ cameraman and a reporter from Radar at his side, Michael Lohan tried and failed to get Lindsay Lohan into rehab on Friday. One of TMZ’s sources (fun fact: “One of TMZ’s sources” is Latin for Michael Lohan) says that LiLo’s entire team including her manager and lawyers want her to dry up in rehab, because she’s eating Adderall faster than a Kardashian’s pussy eats black dick and she’s drinking a bottle and a half of vodka every day (“What’s wrong with that?” says you as you open a second bottle of Popov at 8:30 in the morning). I know, a bottle and A HALF? What kind of self-respecting alcoholic doesn’t finish all of the second bottle? For shame.

Michael has e-mails proving that LiLo’s manager, entertainment lawyer and criminal defense lawyer Shawn Holley were all in on the intervention that didn’t happen. But since that intervention didn’t happen, Michael is moving on to Plan B. I wish what I meant by that was that Michael Lohan plans to shove a bunch of Plan B pills up into his peen hole so he can never procreate again since he has no business being anybody’s father, but that’s not what I mean. Michael tells TMZ that he’s going to go to the court this week and ask for them to force LiLo into a conservatorship. Even Michael Lohan knows that a dog’s dried dingle would make a better conservator than him, so he’s asking the judge to make somebody else her conservator. Anybody but LiLo’s mom/wallet leech White Oprah. 

Michael is also making plans to get LiLo into rehab and away from all the bad influences around her. Michael also hopes that if a judge orders that LiLo needs a life controller, he hopes that life controller will talk White Oprah into going to family therapy.

Michael Lohan’s brain actually farted up a good idea, but the court should take this all the way. The court should put the ENTIRE Lohan family under a conservatorship. It should be illegal for every member of the Lohan family to make decisions for themselves. Michael Lohan needs a conservator to tell him to stop getting a check by using his daughter’s name and to make his own money by getting a real job as a day salesman at a mid-range car dealership since he already has the outfit for it (see picture above). White Oprah needs a conservator to force her to get a sanity cell implanted in her brain since hers was eaten away by low-grade coke a long time ago. And Ali Lohan needs a conservator to hire Liam Neeson to save her from the Korean sex ring her mom forced her into.

And here’s LiLo looking like Julie Cooper’s mom at a press conference for Liz & Dick.

Pimp Mama Kris Ruined Wonder Woman

You’re probably sitting in your cubicle, staring at dozens of unanswered mails, wishing that you had the power of Jesus to turn that cup of coffee into a wine cooler and thinking that there’s no way this Monday can get any Monday-ier. Oh, but it can. This week’s Monday is one hundred percent grosser thanks to this picture of Pimp Mama Kris letting her pimp nip slip out on Instragram (click here if you hate your eyes and want to see the uncensored version). Sometimes, a pimp has to remind her whores that they ain’t the only ones who can purposefully flash the parts a plastic surgeon gave them for some quick attention.

This past weekend, Lucifer’s Employee of the Year Pimp Mama Kris celebrated Whore-o-ween way too early by posting this picture for her Twitter followers, which she hates obviously, and showed them the tit knob that Bruce Jenner licks his Activia off of. PMK quickly deleted the soul-killing picture of her as Wonder Pimp, but Khloe Kardashian reposted it, because it’s better to let your hos do your dirty work for you. So now Lynda Carter knows why she sleep walked into a shallow grave and laid down in it before rolling around.

And since we’re on the subject of mom nips gone wild, here’s someone’s mother showing Pimp Mama Kris how it’s really done. Put on one of your son’s t-shirts, let them titty balls hang out and bounce a fart up into the sky as your child raps about your donk. NSFW, obviously.

Mother AND Donker of the Year!

via Hollywood Life 

Michael Lohan Tried To Get Lindsay Lohan Into Rehab Today, It Didn’t Work

Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up to work the other day and most of us snorted out a “meh,” because the empty Jack Daniels bottle in her head doesn’t have a grasp on time even though she has all those stolen watches lying around her house. But LiLo blowing off her job (no “Her Job” is not her nickname’s dealer) worried Michael Lohan so much that he tried to stage an intervention today. Michael obviously didn’t get the message that he’s dead to LiLo as the sense of feeling is dead to White Oprah’s nostrils.

TMZ says that Michael Lohan and his band of Captain Save-A-Hos knocked on the door of LiLo’s house in Beverly Hills today, because he thinks she’s on the bad shit again and wants to get her into Betty Ford. Some dude claiming to be LiLo’s boyfriend (who looks like this) answered the door and told all of them to go away. When Michael refused to crawl back up into his ass, LiLo called the cops to report a trespasser. You think that by now, every police department in the country would forward every call from a Lohan to The National We Don’t Give Two Effs Hotline, but they don’t. The cops showed up and told Michael to go away. But before he went away, Michael called up Radar to say this:

“Lindsay needs help. She’s around all the wrong people. I’m not going to stand for this anymore. She has to get better. I’m not going to watch my daughter die. A lot of people tried to stage the intervention with me. She is dating a guy named Josh Chunn and he told me, ‘I feel the same way you do. I can’t take it. They’re destroying her life. Lindsay called the cops for trespassing but they opened the gates for us to come up… When we were leaving she threw Josh out and we picked him up in the car and he spilled the beans about everything she is doing. Her whole team has had it with her. All of them want to her to get treatment. I will keep putting pressure on her like I did before until she gets help. She is not going to get better without help and she needs treatment and help now.”

Oh yes, Michael Lohan cares about Lindsay Lohan so much that he calls TMZ and Radar to tell them how much he cares about Lindsay Lohan. Caring fathers do that. I think what Michael Lohan meant to say was, “I don’t want my daughter to die, because then who’s go to pay the rent on my condo?!”

Aren’t these Lohans exhausted from the non-stop messy, messy drama? They don’t even take one day of rest from the foolery. This is what happens when everybody in a family doesn’t have a job. They go to each other’s houses in the middle of the day to fight. They go to the clubs together on a weeknight to fight. People with jobs ain’t got time for that (copyright: Sweet Brown).

And you know who really needs an intervention? ME! I need an intervention for posting about the Lohans every damn day. Since LiLo isn’t going to Betty Ford, can I take her place?

Do You Know What Time It Is? It’s Time For Foofy Foofy To Go To Jail For Beating His Fiancee

TMZ says that Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas early this morning and it wasn’t for assaulting retinas by looking like a Sméagol crackhead. Flavor Flav was put into handcuffs for whooping on his fiancee before pulling a knife on her teenage son. Suddenly, Gitte Nielsen doesn’t feel bad about doing the Given Up On Life Waltz by rolling around in the grass with a bottle of Popov vodka in her hand.

When the cops showed up to Foofy Foofy’s house, his fiancee told them that they all got into a fight which ended with New York’s former fuck partner beating her ass and threatening to cut up her son with a knife. Foofy was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and felony assault with a deadly weapon. Foofy was held on $23,000 bail and he later bailed out, but was immediately transported to the local Hazmat facility where they flea dipped him in a quarantine tent.

You know, I don’t remember “get your ass beat” as being one of the prizes for winning Flavor of Love.

And now I need to pull out my eyeballs with pliers and soak them in some Lubriderm, because that dreadful ass mug shot has dried me out. It looks like he’s been rimming a pile of ashes. Bitch should be kept in jail for that alone.

Whore Moon Over Miami

You probably can’t tell that’s Kim Kardashian’s ass since it doesn’t have a black peen all up in it, but that’s Kim Kardashian’s ass. “Yes, I’ll have an order of the piss-glazed rump roast with a side of cold whore topped with gay sardines” is probably what every diner at Prime 112 in Miami ordered last night when they watched a panty-less Kim stroll in with Kanye West.

Ever since Kanye took over as Kim’s head stylist, he’s really done his best to make her look like it takes several master sausage casers, a half a dozen pig wranglers, a herd of tugboats and a hundred tubs of mantequilla to get her dressed. The hell is she wearing? A better question is, who the hell does she think she is? Bitch, the year is not 1992 and next to “occupation” on your tax return, you can’t write: a member of En Vogue. So give it up, turn it loose!

Speaking of turning it loose, Reggie Bush and his knocked up piece had dinner at a restaurant right next to Prime 112 at the same time Kim and Kanye were making a dining room full of people get the heaves from being exposed to that much smugness. So when Kim and Kanye came out, one of the paps asked her if she wanted to congratulate Reggie for putting a fetus in a trick. That made Kanye bust into one of his theatrical bitch meltdowns and he grabbed at the pap’s camera.

Meanwhile, Kim smiled the whole time, because: a) She was getting more attention and; b) Bitch was extra light in the head (and that’s saying a lot), because her skirt was on so damn tight.