Don’t Fuck With A Dude In A Dress

A group of drunk dicktards were causing trouble on the streets of Swansea, South Wales when a couple of cross-dressing dudes happened to walk by. The shitbags immediately started fucking with the drag queens thinking two men wearing wigs couldn’t possibly pose a threat to them. Well, this turned out to be a hate crime GONE RIGHT!

The cross-dressers were actually two cage fighters dressed in drag for a party. As soon as one of the drunk morons threw a punch at one of the sexy ladydudes, it was all over after that. One of the cage queens delivered two fiiiieeeerce punches on the idiot. You know that hot bitch didn’t even break a nail. Whatever lights were on in that house are now out! Dude stumbled off to die of shame on the street.

The cage queens didn’t let those fuckers ruin their night, so they picked up their handbags and continued to work the stroll. That is how a ladeeee behaves.

Somewhere in the UK, Alex “Roxanne” Reid is prancing around in pink panties while shouting, “YOU GO GURLS!”

The drunktards were arrested later in the night for acting the fool. A judge sentenced them to four months of community service.

This just confirms that we need more cage fighting drag queens patrolling the streets at all times.

(Thanks Donna)

Ginge Went Down

COCO is broken! YES, the ginge mop has been tousled. Bow your heads….

E! News says that Conan O’Brien busted his head while shooting a skit for last night’s episode. Conan was running down a flight of stairs when he slipped and went down. An ambulance shuttled Conan off to the hospital where he’s currently getting fixed up. Last night’s show was canceled and they aired a repeat instead.

Conan, who might have amnesia now, joked about it afterwards: “Last thing I remember I was enjoying the play with Mrs. Lincoln, and the next thing I knew I was in bed being served cookies and juice.”

You know, last night I watched (for the zillionth time) the greatest piece of art ever captured on celluloid, Showgirls. Conan falling down reminds me of the pivotal scene where Nomi pushes Cristal down the flights of stairs. Hm. Who was behind Conan? And where was Jay Leno in all of this? Because I’ve always thought of Jay and Conan as the Showgirls of late night talk shows.

Kate Hudson vs. Minka Kelly

The truth is I’m only posting this story, because I needed a reason to use this picture of Ahahahahaha-Rod after getting hit by a pitch last night. I don’t think he’s felt that much pain since he tried to finger bang Madonna’s roidy cooze for the first time. Now on to the battle of the Yankees hos!

Page Six says that things aren’t really unicorns and rainbows between A-Rod and fellow Yankee Derek Jeter, so it makes sense that their hate for each other has trickled down to their girlfriends. According to sources, Derek’s lady Minka Kelly (of Friday Night Lights) and Kate Hudson aren’t really holding hands in the stands (accidental rhyme!), “There’s been visible coldness between Minka and Kate. I don’t know if it’s a personal thing, or just an extension of the ongoing A-Rod-Jeter rivalry. People are choosing sides.”

I love that “people are choosing sides” quote. This is just like Footballers’ Wives except a homelier version….and not as bitchy or glamorous. Okay, this is nothing like Footballers Wives. Because if it was, this is how Kate and Minka would have handled their little feud.

Seriously, this is how you do it. Kate and Minka are both amateurs! If Tanya Turner was involved, she would’ve fucked both of their boyfriends by now and been pregnant with TWINS (one baby for each man).

That’s One Way Of Handling It

If you’re ever feeling brave enough to ask Method Man for an autograph, you better strap a bullet-proof vest over your chest, pray to the Three Wolf Moon and have your best running shoes on, because you may get shot at. TMZ says that a woman in Houston is suing Method Man for shooting her with an air gun when she asked him for an autograph after a show in November 2008. LOL.

Mary Anderson said that after she tried to get Method Man to sign something for her, he whipped out an air gun and started firing pellets. Mary says she was hit around six times. Okay, I’ve never been shot with an air gun, but I’m guessing it hurts more than when the dick misses the hole. That means it hurts A LOT. And Mary, if someone keeps shooting at your ass, that’s your cue to ruuuuuuuuun.

(Read this in a Jackee Harry voice, because it’s the only way) Maaaary is suing for money. Of course.

Isn’t Method Man a stoner of epic proportions? Shouldn’t he be hugging on everyone and asking them if they are carrying any Fritos on their persons? Dude must have had the wrong stuff in his bong.

Not-So-Happy Ending

The Mormon daddy of David Archuleta, the baby-teethed mouth breather from American Idol, was arrested this past January in Utah for allegedly soliciting a prostitute whore in a massage parlor. Busted after busting a nut? Ain’t that a stone-cold bitch.

Radar says that Jeffrey James Archuleta was involved in a police raid on a massage parlor in Midvale, Utah. The police sergeant said the massage parlor’s landlord knew something in the jizz wasn’t clean when he noticed that the employees were always dressed like sluts. When the police sergeant couldn’t find a business license for the hand job factory, they raided the joint! There was only one john there at the time and it happened to be none-other-than David Archuleta’s papa je’e’!

They found Papa Archie laying on his belly with a masseuse wearing lace panties standing over him. When the police asked him if he got sexy with the leased ho, Papa Archie admitted that he had. He also said he found the place on Craigslist (enough said). Papa Archie was cited and released. His second release of the day!

Papa Archie’s lawyer is now chirping that his client never got milked during the massage. He said his client went to the massage parlor for a back problem. IT WAS A BACK PROBLEM! A. BACK. PROBLEM. I believe him. Any fully-trained licensed massage therapist will tell you that the quickest way to relieving back pain is a finger up the asshole and a jerk of the peen. It works every time and it’s not sexual. When it involves rubber gloves, it’s medical!

This is actually a big bowl of laughs, because wasn’t David’s father a total cunt during American Idol? I think he yelled at people constantly and was even banned from the set a few times. We can just blame it on his back problem.

Carrie Prejean Is Out Of A Job

Carrie Prejean will be reporting to the back of the unemployment line tomorrow, because has been fired as Miss California. TMZ says that Donald Trump and the Miss California organization has had it with Miss Tits 4Jesus skipping out on scheduled appearances and not getting permission for non-pageant shit. Donald Trump also added that Carrie has been a total cunt to everyone in the organization except for him. The Donald said, “To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like shit.”

TMZ also posted a couple of bitchy e-mails Carrie sent to pageant officials. In one e-mail Carrie wrote: “You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice.” And in another e-mail, she really brought on the charm, “Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. I’ll be reading from a show biz script Monday. I am doing this.”

Did Carrie go to the Courtney Love School of E-mail Writing?

Anyway, Carrie will be absolutely fine. She’ll get a job at Fox News. She’ll marry some billionaire. She’ll only wear Talbots. And she’ll spend her afternoons drinking martinis, snorting crushed up painkillers and slapping the help.

After a few years of marriage, her husband will get caught in a park restroom with some gay hustler. Then Carrie will write a weepy tell-all, star in the Lifetime TV version of her book and never be heard from again. Oh and somewhere in there she’ll record a Christian disco album.

I hope I’m at least right about the very last part.