Sooooo Close

During a drag show in Brazil a few days ago, Beyonce slipped on Michelle Williams’ career and aaaaaaaaaalmost busted her ass. I need a refund. I had the laughs locked and ready to go, but Beyonce’s triple decker ass did not hit the stage. Just when she was about to go boom, her wig spread its wings and saved the day. Damn.

It sucks for us that Beyonce’s nalgas didn’t kiss the stage, but it’s good for Solange. Because when Beyonce falls, the ceiling in Solange’s basement drops down 2 inches.

via ONTD

Aaaaaaaaaand There He Goes

Brazilian football commentator Batista was giving his thoughts about Cristiano Ronaldo’s controversial eyebrow situation on live TV when his eyeballs went for a walk to the back of his skull and he passed the hell out. Don’t worry, you didn’t watch a man die on live TV. Batista is fine. He blamed it on the heat. Somebody get this man a FAN SUIT!

Batista shouldn’t be embarrassed at all. The same thing happened to fellow Brazilian Baby Jesus when he first saw Madonna nekkid.

Source: Deadspin via Best Week Ever

JLo’s First Husband Is Going To Sue Her Big Ass

JLo’s first husband Ojani Noa is planning to bust a $100 million lawsuit in her face, because he says she’s trying to ruin him. I hate to break it down for Ojani, but JLo is trying to destroy all of us by putting out another album. Ojani needs to add our names to that lawsuit right next to his.

Ojani was trying to produce a mockumentary using an 11-hour-long “sexy tape” he made with JLo on their honeymoon, but her lawyers sat on his plans and got a judge to issue a temporary restraining order. This blocked Ojani from showing any parts of the tape to the public.

Radar reports that Ojani is also suing JLo’s father and lawyer for interfering with his project and for partaking in fraudulent activity. Ojani’s lawyer claims that JLo’s mother sold a part of the tape to Univision without his permission.

Ojani’s lawyer said, “I believe that I have an unalienable First Amendment right to enter the JLo home videos into the public court record, so as to defend myself. If Judge Chalfant has a problem with this, he can have me hauled out of the courtroom in handcuffs in front of the world media.”

They are all due back in court on December 1st.

I know I keep bringing up Ojani’s hairy brows, but it pains me to see him wasting his time on lawsuits like this when he should be tending to those creatures over his eyes instead! If Ojani doesn’t want to bother with plucking, he just needs to smear a little cheese on his brows and let a hongray rat handle that. How is a judge going to take him seriously when he can’t even tame his eyebrow situation. Paging Baby Smiley!

JLo Goes Down!

If you are in CA, you might have been wondering why that glass of straight-up vodka (I know how you do it) on your table vibrated Jurassic Park-style for a few seconds. Well, it wasn’t from a gigantic T-Rex running through your front yard. It was JLo’s big ass hitting the stage at the American Music Awards tonight. Yes, bitch went BOOM! JLo’s Louboutins threw her off!

During her performance of that “Looweebatons” song, Skeletor’s bone polisher busted her ass when she jumped off one of her dancer’s back. JLo managed to pick her ass back up, but you know bitches will lose their jobs, health insurance, 401ks, loved ones and worldly possessions over this shit! That stage will be removed from the theater by tomorrow, those sneakers are already a pile of ashes and her dancer will only be able to get a job as a bus boy at Chili’s. Everyone will pay for this!

And thanks to the boxing theme, the chorus of shirtless dudes and the massive amounts of sparkle, JLo’s performance is the gayest of the night….so far (Glamberace is waiting in the wings). My no-no thanks her.

P.S. – For those of you who don’t want to torture yourself by watching the whole thing, JLo’s ass hitting the stage is at the 2:40 mark.

One Dollar Baby

The Kardashian family made dreams come true yesterday by lining up to get punched out by the luckiest people in the world. The Kardashians agreed to be human (mostly) punching bags for the sake of charity. The beat down party extravaganza, which was held at the Commerce Casino in CA, raised cash for the Dream Foundation.

It sounds like everything went according to God’s plan, because Kim took a blow to the face and her brother Rob ended up in the hospital with a busted head. Kim wrote on her blog:

“When Rob stepped in the ring to fight, his opponent was at least 25 lbs heavier than him, even though the organization had assured us that they were screening the people we were fighting against and that they would be within 5 lbs of our weights! At one point Rob’s mask fell off and when he put his hands down he got hit in the face and ended up in hospital with a concussion. Rob’s a strong guy and can definitely hold his own, but he wasn’t expecting to get hit after his mask had fallen off! This guy just got really down and dirty!

We were all really angry and upset about what had happened to Rob, but I hadn’t even fought yet and I didn’t want to let the charity down, so I decided to get in the ring. My girl was a good sport, but she was tough! I knew I had to do it for charity, since that’s what it was all about, but man, my girl could throw a punch! Look at my black eye!!!

At the end of the day, we did this for charity and that’s what counts. Rob is doing fine now and my black eye will be gone soon… I hope.”

YES KIM, that black eye is absolutely Hostel-like. It’s horrific. You better take out a restraining order against the eyeshadow brush that punched you out like that.

And I don’t understand how Kim could’ve lost her bout with an ass like that. Homegirl’s ass could easily become the heavyweight champion of the world. All she has to do is wiggle it just a little bit and it would’ve been an instant KO!

By the way, Khloe Kardashian dropped out at the last minute, because she was too scared. Something in the milk ain’t clean about that. My guess is that Khloe’s opponent figured out who she was fighting and immediately dug a hole out of that bitch. Khloe could make us all blackout just by growling.

WTF: Leona Lewis Slapped At Book Signing

There’s a million celebwhores that deserve to be punched in the face (i.e. almost every bitch on a reality show, Dr. Phil, Michael Lohan, etc…etc…), but someone that isn’t on my list is Leona Lewis. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me, because Leona got straight-up slapped in the face at a signing for her new autobiography today. BLEEDING MUG! Who knew that Leona Lewis of all people could drive a dumbass to get violent?

The Sun reports that a 20-something dude went to the trouble of waiting in the long line just so he could slap her. One of Leona’s friends said, “Leona was utterly shocked and appalled as it came out of nowhere. The man queued up patiently, then as soon as she signed his book he smashed her in the face. He didn’t say anything to her and she is at a loss as to why anyone would do such an evil thing. She is devastated as she comes from quite a humble background and loves meeting her fans. She was doing a three-hour signing and planned to sign hundreds of books. She’s been taken to a Harley Street doctor by her record label as she needs to be fixed up as it was quite a punch and she’s very dainty.”

Leona’s rep confirms the attack and says they are working with the police. The rep added that Leona didn’t need medical treatment. According to the BBC, the slapper has been taken into custody.

I know we’ve all heard “Bleeding Love” enough times to make us go crazy, but DAMN. It’s not that serious. Calm down, sit on your hands and eat some weed. Shit.