Chelsea Clinton Is Now A Mom

You may file this news under “Oh my god I’m so old grab my Werthers and run me an epsom salt bath” or simply just shed a tear that Socks the Cat didn’t live long enough to be an uncle (Unky Socks sends his love from Kitty Heaven, I’m sure). Shortly after midnight last night, former first daughter and owner of legendary teen girl hair Chelsea Clinton announced on Twitter that she had finally evicted the baby who had been renting a room in her womb for the past 9 months, and now her and her husband Marc Mezvinsky are the parents of a baby girl named Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. Which also means it’s time to crack open a bottle of sparkling moonshine, cause BUBBA IS A PEPAW NOW!

Marc and I are full of love, awe and gratitude as we celebrate the birth of our daughter, Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky.

— Chelsea Clinton (@ChelseaClinton) September 27, 2014

Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky sounds like the name of a high-powered Upper West Side real estate agent who always wears Christian Dior Poison, goes by “Char-Char” when she’s drunk, and won’t show you anything under $4.8 million. I love it! 30 years from now, she could star in a reality show about the cutthroat world of lady condo brokers. It could be called Billion Dollar Bitche$ (I assume condos will be a billion dollars in the future).

And I know Chelsea is only one-half hee-haw, but I was sort of hoping she might pay tribute to Bill Clinton’s Arkansas upbringing by at least giving her baby a southern-fried gravy-slathered middle name, like Britnee or Amber or Bobbi-Jo. Charlotte Bobbi-Jo Mezvinsky has a nice ring to it!

(via Page Six)

Open Post: Hosted By Amanda Lepore And The Other Beauties Of The Life Ball

And here’s the porcelain figurine goddess that Courtney Stodden is trying to become one liquid plastic injection to the lips at a time.

Amanda Lepore recharged everyone’s power bars at the Life Ball, one of the biggest AIDS charity events, in Vienna yesterday when she gave them all kinds of life by strolling onto the carpet with luscious red lips that looked like a freshly bloomed Anthurium, exquisitely crafted brows that a chola will razor a bitch for and tits so high the angels could touch them with their toes. Amanda Lepore puts the Life in Life Ball. The Life Ball also brought out the likes of Conchita Wurst, Marcia Cross, Ricky Martin, Carmen Carrera, Courtney Love and Bill Clinton.

Yes, Bill Clinton and this generation’s Marilyn Monroe were at the same event. For Bill’s sake, I hope he brought a $1,200 cigar that was dipped in the world’s most expensive champagne and rolled in diamonds, because Amanda Lepore only allows the finest of finest things to touch her opulent body.

Pics: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By A Bill Clinton Hooker Sandwich

Kim Kardashian, take note: this is how a hooker poses for a picture with a horny old man.

At the Unite4Humanity charity event in Los Angeles Thursday night, Bill Clinton was approached by two delicate lace hankies who asked him to pose for a picture, and since Bill is a gentleman who would never be so rude as to turn down a request from such demure lilac blossoms, he obliged. However, it turns out he wasn’t actually posing with high-society debutantes, but with two sneaky party-crashing hookers from the Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada. I know! I’m suh shocked that the woman wearing polyester hair with two fingers in her hard lemonade wasn’t on the guest list of a high-profile charity event. TMZ says that the two horz, Barbie Girl and Ava Adora, came as a guest’s plus-one and were removed from the party immediately after taking the picture.

HAAAAATERS! All Barbie Girl and Ava Adora wanted was to bask in the warm glow of Bill Clinton’s hotness, and you kicked them out onto the curb like two trashy hookers. You call yourselves humanitarians? You could learn a lesson form Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton welcomes all types of women. “Give me your tired, your poor, your skanky and toothless. Those with tig ol’ bitties or teeny-tinys. The slutty, the raunchy, and even Librarian-looking ones with glasses. Send these to me.”

(Pic: Facebook)

Bill Clinton Wet Humped On Elizabeth Hurley, So Says Tom Sizemore (UPDATE: Tom Sizemore Made It All Up )

UPDATE: Tom Sizemore admits to HuffPo that he’s never met Bill Clinton and was most likely high out of his mind when he told that fake story. Tom says the tape is really old and the story is not true. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton probably DM’d Elizabeth Hurley on Twitter and asked, “Care to make it true? I’ll bring the cigars.”

Noted lady beater and meth head Tom Sizemore tells Radar and the Globe (THE GLOBE!!!) that all the way back in 1998, he set President Slick Willy up with Elizabeth Hurley and the two boned on each other for a full year in the White House. Bill Clinton has always been a slut, so I totally believe that he strengthened American and British relations by fucking Elizabeth Hurley, but this is coming from Tom Sizemore. Tom Sizemore is about as reliable as my gossiping tia who for years swore to me that her burgundy hair was natural.

Radar says that in a joint investigation with the Globe, they UNEARTHED a recording from January of Tom Sizemore talking about how he hooked President Clinton up with Liz Hurley in one night. They call it a “joint investigation,” because they gave Tom Sizemore 20 joints in exchange for the UNEARTHED recording he probably recorded by himself in the bathroom five minutes beforehand. In the recording, Tom says that during a screening of Saving Private Ryan at the White House in 1998, Bill Clinton took him aside and asked him if he still talked to Liz Hurley. (Tom Sizemore and Liz Hurley dated for a few years.) Tom Sizemore goes on to spit out more meth-infused details and the dialogue is a mess.

When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.

Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb motherfucker, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”

The actor obliged, but before dialing, he says the President was already covering his tracks, thinking of his oblivious and long-suffering wife Hillary in the other room.

“[Clinton] said, ‘I’m going to say I asked you about your uncle, Ted Sizemore, who played professional baseball,” Sizemore recalls. “That’s the lie. Don’t forget it.’”

Then, Sizemore recounts, Clinton dialed, wasting no time in getting down to dirty business with the stunning brunette, now 48.

“Elizabeth, this is your Commander-in-Chief,” Clinton said to the actress, who played Vanessa Kensington in the 1997 hit Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.

And though Hurley at first thought it was a joke, she played coy, but the President wouldn’t take no for an answer!

Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this shit. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”

Hours later, he claims, Hurley was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“While we’re at the reception, I see her,” Sizemore reveals, but then she disappeared through a door, trailed by a Secret Service agent.

As she disappeared into a room with the President, Sizemore charges, “Bill turns to me and he goes, ‘I owe you one.’”

As to what happened after that, Sizemore declares on the tape: “What do you think? She was there for four days. He fucked her that night.”

Tom adds that Bill and Liz did it for a year, but he broke it off with her, because he was falling in love with her and he “doesn’t do love.” Liz Hurley said that the story is “ludicrous” and claims the lawyers are handling it.

If anybody but Tom Sizemore told that story, I’d one hundred percent believe it. But when Tom Sizemore opens his mouth, either barf, lies or a little of both are going to fall out. A talking crack house rat probably told Tom that story while he smoked crack out of a light bulb. You know, if the talking crack house rat directly told the Globe that story, I’d believe it was true.

I mean, that dialogue. That dialogue sounds like it was written by the worst porn writer in the San Fernando Valley. Wait, since I put it that way, maybe Tom is telling the truth. Because I totally believe that when Bill Clinton’s talking about ass, he sounds like he’s in the most poorly written porn ever.

How In The Hell Did Justin Bieber Get Bill Clinton’s Number?

Justin Bieber’s assholeness upped to another level yesterday when TMZ posted a video taken earlier this year of him pissing into a restaurant kitchen’s mop bucket before screaming, “Fuck Bill Clinton!” at a picture of Monica Lewinsky’s former Oval Office sex partner. After that mess went viral, the pimple on society’s armpit somehow got a hold of Bill Clinton’s number and called him up to apologize. Bill Clinton actually took the Biebs’ call and accepted his apology. Bill Clinton probably laughed and then told the Biebs that he could’ve used that bottle of Windex when he squirted a liquid oops all over that Gap dress. Because Windex gets everything out. Ask your abuelita.

Yesterday afternoon, Justin let everyone know that he said sowwy to Bill Clinton by tweeting this:

Extra says that Justin and Bill Clinton had a “good conversation” and Bill told the Biebs to “be conscious of the friends he keeps and to focus on the good work he is doing.”

Yes, we’re living in a world where a former world leader accepts a call from a self-entitled fetus queef and lies to him by telling him that he’s doing “good work.” The hell, Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton was supposed to tell Justin Bieber that there’s a federal law that states that any Canadian pop infant who curses out a picture of a former president after pissing in a mop bucket must immediately be sent to Gitmo forever.

My guess is that Bill accepted Justin’s apology after Justin made him an honorary member of the Wild Kidz, the baddest gang on the kindergarten playground. Or Bill accepted Justin’s apology after Justin made Selena Gomez send him a sext.

And that mop bucket and the poor soul who had to empty that mop bucket are probably still waiting for an apology.

No, Betty, That’s Not A Cigar In His Pocket. Yes, He’s Happy To See You…

Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she’d like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she’d like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White’s rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her “this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn’t come out” face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she’s once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.

GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).

And here’s Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.