Open Post: Hosted By Benedict Cumberbatch Impersonating Some Otters

And just like that, an enthusiastic Cumberbitch/Furry crossover subculture called Cumberbears was born.

During a recent appearance to promote Black Mass on The Graham Norton Show, Benedict Cumberbatch confirmed what the internet has been saying for years: that he looks like a damn otter. To prove that Benedict is just a few DNA chains short of reaching out to his long-lost cousin Emmet and asking if he can join his jug band this Christmas, a couple pictures of otters were thrown up and Benedict did his best impression of them. To be fair, they might not even have been his best impressions; dude looks so much like a water puppy that even his worst impression would have had the audience screaming “OMG TWINS!!!!”

But the best part, by far, was Johnny Depp’s reaction. Johnny was looking at Benedict in the same profoundly confused way he looks at a bar of soap or a hat without holes; just a whole lot of “the FUCK is this??” Which is so weird, because if anyone on that couch looks like a dead-ringer for a greasy wet otter, it’s Johnny Depp.

The Alien Lizard King In Zoolander 2: Would You Hit It?

And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”

The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.

B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.

But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.

And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.

Johnny Depp Doesn’t Want To Win An Oscar

Either Amber Heard temporarily sprained one of her neck muscles from trying so hard while posing (“Amateur!” – Phoebe Price) or her nostrils just got a good whiff of the rank scent of ass jelly, foundation, armpit grease and dick cheddar wafting off of Johnny Depp.

It feels like there’s been 4,927 premieres for Black Mass and there was another one at the BFI London Film Festival last night, because why not? Before she’s found guilty of Yorkie smuggling and gets locked up in an Australian prison cell for 11 years, Amber Heard got in another red carpet posing session with Johnny Depp who once again took himself higher by wearing a pair of gorgeous platform shoes straight out of Tom Cruise’s dream shoe closet.

Before Black Mass even came out, hos predicted that Johnny Depp will probably get an Oscar nomination. At last night’s premiere, Johnny told the BBC that he’ll take that nomination, but he hopes that his name is never called at the Oscars, because he doesn’t want to dribble out a speech.

“I don’t want to win one of those things ever, you know. I don’t want to have to talk. They gave me one of those things, like a nomination, two or three times. A nomination is plenty.

The idea of winning means that you’re in competition with someone and I’m not in competition with anybody. I just stick to my guns and do what I want to do. Sometimes people don’t like it but that’s alright.”

Oh, please. Johnny Depp is busting out some reverse psychology shit on Oscar voters. Of course he wants an Oscar. An Oscar trophy is the ultimate bracelet holder and he doesn’t want to disappoint Amber Heard who has probably spent hours practicing the “sexy but happy” face she’ll make when the cameras are on her during her husband’s speech. I hope that Johnny does get a nomination and I hope he wins and only because I really want to see forever Oscar bridesmaid Leonardo DiCaprio tackle that trick on the stage while screaming, “It’s mine, he said he didn’t want it!”

Here’s more pictures from the Black Mass premiere including some of the Alien Lizard King and Sophie Hunter.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Daily Mail Claims They Know What Benedict Cumberbatch And Sophie Hunter Named Their Baby

It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!

Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.

“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”

Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.

With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.

Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:

Pics: Wenn.com

Benedict Cumberbatch Schools The Cumberbitches On How To Act Right In The Theater

The clit boner-inducer of Tumblr, Bendydick Cumsinsnatches, is playing the title role in a production of Hamlet at the Barbican Centre in London and even though some of the reviews say to skip it, it has already sold out, because Cumberbitches will sell the internal organs of their children to breathe in the same air as their god. But well, apparently some of the Cumberbitches aren’t giving the holy walls of the THI-TURR the respect it deserves and are acting like pieces of trash by taking pictures of The Alien Lizard King while he’s trying to do serious acting stuff.

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Benedict Cumberbatch Has Spawned!

After many months of gestating in its humanoid growth pod (aka Sophie Hunter’s womb), the intergalactic alien lizard royal baby is here! That loud wailing sound you just heard was either the wails of happiness from the citizens of Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet or the wails of sorrow from the Cumberbitches. It’s hard to tell them apart – they both sound the same. The Daily Mail says a rep for Benedict Cumberbatch released this statement earlier today confirming that his wife of four months popped out a baby boy.

“Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are delighted to announce the arrival of their beautiful son. We would kindly ask everyone to respect the family’s privacy during these next few precious weeks.”

“Ha! See how they didn’t specify whether or not it was a human son? I knew it!” said every “Benedict Cumberbatch is an alien disguised as a human” truther.

So far all we know is that Sophie had a baby boy, but that’s about it. No idea on the weight or what he looks like, so until I see a picture, I’m just going to assume he looks like one of Kif Kroker’s babies or that adorable alien squid baby from Men In Black. Also not known is what Benedict and Sophie have named their new baby. Usually this would be where I make a joke about British-sounding baby names, but even “Nigel Fitzcrumpet” is nothing compared to “Benedict Cumberbatch“.

Regardless – congratulations on your new baby, Benedict and Sophie! And to everyone on Benedict’s home planet, congratulations on your future king!