Beard Showdown In Palm Springs

It was Battle of the Beards ’11 (not to be confused with a pot luck at the Scientology Celebrity Centre) at the Palm Springs International Film Festival last night when Jakey Gyllenhaal and Ben Affleck stomped on the carpet with half faces full of follicles.

Ben Affleck is like a dusty blue tin of Royal Dansk cookies to me. He’s totally the Royal Dansk of men. Something that looks sort of sweet on the outside and is always around, but I never pull out from the back of my kitchen cabinet to peck at even when I start to get the “I NEED SOMETHING WITH CORN SYRUP IN IT!!!” shakes. But even though Ben’s beard looks like a vine of nostril hairs has jumped out of his nose and taken over his chin, it works on him. Like Oreo frosting on a butter cookie.

Ben still doesn’t have this, though. And neither does Jakey, the dude who usually works and wears a beard LIKE NO OTHER. We should really all bow down for the field of snow-covered baby’s breath covering the bottom half of Taylor Hackford’s face. If Santa Claus got a Norelco for Christmas….

Helen Mirren is a lucky bitch, because she gets to run her fingers through that pristine bush of angel pubes every single night.

Here’s a few million pictures of everybody who cleaned up and sprayed perfume on their crotch for last night’s festival: Ben, Jakey, Jesse Eisenberg, Carey Mulligan, Natalie Portman (with two sheets of gold stickers as a collar), RITA RUDNER!!!, Brenda Song with Arm & Hammer, Marky Mark, Aaron Eckhart, Andrew Garfield, Amy Adams, Javier Bardem, James Franco, Mary Hart, Taylor with Helen, Martha Plimpton and Colin Firth.

Just Use Your Imagination

Where is Ben Affleck’s other hand? Why does Jon Hamm have a look of relief on his face as though his prostate just exhaled? I’m not sure what’s going on here. But one thing I am sure of is that these pictures are going to make Matt Damon run to the “Ben & Me” room in his house and dump all of the boxes of pictures of them together on the carpet.

Then Matt’s going to blast the acoustic version of Alanis’ “You Oughta Know“ and scream along with it as he cuts Ben’s face out of every single picture. It’s not going to be a pretty sight when Matt’s iTunes plays “Ben” while he’s in the middle of cutting that two-timing slut whore friend out of his life. Yeah, somebody should make Matt a special “The End of a Bromance” mix so this doesn’t happen.

Anyways, here’s Ben with his new honey Jon Hamm at a press conference for their movie The Town at the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday afternoon. Jeremy Renner, Rebecca Hall, Blake Lively and Chris Cooper were there too, but I bet they felt like the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th wheel (respectively).

Ben Affleck’s Hangover Cure

What the hell is Ben Affleck yapping about? This is what he told Esquire, “The best cure for a hangover is something one straight man can’t do for another straight man.”

Is he talking about getting it in the turdcutter? Because if that cured the drunk ills, I’d put vodka in my Frosted Flakes, vodka in my Top Ramen and vodka in my bath. Days would be filled with vodka and ass sex! Okay, it already is, but it would be so much better without the barfing part (I’m not that kinky).

Maybe he’s talking about facials? And if he is, we already know he does that with Matt every Sunday while the wives are at brunch.

VIA Page Six

These Two Boring Bitches Actually Surprised Me!

Most of us figured Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck would give their new kid a flower name since their first daughter is named Violet. So it’s not really surprising that they used Rose as her middle name. But her first name is Seraphina! Jen’s spokesbitch told People that they named their week-old daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. YES! Jen and Ben are still two boring pieces of boiled broccoli, but I’ve just added a little melted cheddar cheese on top of them for naming their daughter Seraphina!

Seraphina Rose sounds like the name an aging gothic stripper who works the “50 cent beer” shift at some truck stop club. I absolutely adore the name! Although, I once got food poisoning at a restaurant named Serafina…….

I just hope Jen and Ben don’t call her Sera or I’ll have to scrape the melted cheese off of them.

Ben In A Wig

Some bitch once told me that Ben Affleck isn’t a stranger to wearing fake hair, so his head is probably right at home with this Jesus wig on.

Ben sort of looks like this one hot homeless dude in my neighborhood who always looks at me with lusty eyes. It’s probably just a combination of him being stoned and me being delusional. I swear, if Hot Homeless Dude had a sign one day that read, “Will hit it for food,” I’d immediately take him up on his offer. Who cares if his super scabies would probably set up camp on my ass cheeks! That’s what the free clinic is for.

Ben wore this shit on his head for a movie called “Extract” with Jason Bateman. Is that shit low-budget? They couldn’t even afford to throw that polyster mop into a tub of RIT, so it matches his beard? Anyway, here’s a few more pics of Ben looking dick cheese fresh on the set in Los Angeles yesterday.

I’m Sure Disney Is Already Working On It

In an interview with the Associated Press, Matt Damon doesn’t hold back when talking about Sarah Palin. Matt called the Palin pick a “disaster,” and that there’s a good chance she will become President which is a “scary thing.” Matt also doesn’t understand why more people aren’t talking about it. Um…does he ever go on the internet?

Matt went on to say that the whole thing is a really bad Disney movie. He said, “The hockey mom, you know, ‘Oh, I’m just a hockey mom’… and she’s facing down Vladimir Putin… It’s totally absurd… It’s a really terrifying possibility.”

Come on, Matt! What do you take Disney for? It’s probably already in development under the working title “President Mommy.” Megan Mullally already passed on it, so they are talking to Geena Davis. I can already see the poster. Geena Davis is holding a soccer ball in front of the White House while her kids are pulling at her skirt and her husband (played by Rick Moranis) is rolls his eyes at her. Vladimir Putin can play himself. It’ll be a hit!