Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him

“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”

Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.

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And Here’s Johnny Depp Working Some I-Just-Woke-Up Realness At The Premiere For “The Danish Girl”

“Speaking of The Danish Girl, I could really use a danish, girl. And a cup of coffee. And a beer. And a nap. Fuck it, I’m gonna go take a nap in the limo. Holler if you need me.”

The Los Angeles premiere for The Danish Girl was held last night, and I’m assuming it wasn’t a last-minute thing, because fancy Hollywood premieres rarely are. But for some reason, Johnny Depp rolled onto the red carpet looking like only 20 minutes earlier Amber Heard was slapping a bag of Funyuns out of his hands and telling him to get off the couch and put on some fucking pants.

At least that would explain why Amber and Johnny are dressed alike. Amber probably planned out her goth Colonel Sanders couture weeks in advance, and then Johnny – who clearly went back to sleep after Amber woke his ass up – stumbles out of the house in the same damn thing. But if she makes him go back inside and change, they run the risk of showing up late and missing all the photographers, so she’s like “Fine! We’ll both show up looking like two dirty ghosts who run a haunted funeral home in a Tim Burton movie.”

Here’s more of Johnny and Amber doing their hipster mortician twinsies thing at The Danish Girl last night, including Johnny yanking a photographer’s camera (which was no doubt returned with a viewfinder covered in gold tooth stink and greasy chin pubes). As well as some of Amber with Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Alicia Vikander And Michael Fassbender Are Probably Over

Last month, I hit a new low (or maybe it was a new high…) when I quoted Eddie Murphy’s musical masterpiece while writing about how 26-year-old Alicia Vikander was about to put Michael Fassbender’s 38-year-old extra meaty crotch bratwurst on the curb because she couldn’t take him partying all the time. UsWeekly is now saying that Alicia went through with it and put Michael Fassbender’s big dick on the curb. That’s every hard-up, horny Fassbender-loving ho’s cue to scoot her coochie along the curb until she hits dick. And this is a great time for size queens to be alive, because both The Hammaconda and The Assbender may be single and out in the wild.

UsWeekly doesn’t really have any details. All they say is that it’s over after 9 months and they haven’t been photographed together since May. If the blind item that claims that Alicia and Michael’s love was born in a publicist’s head is true, then they probably are over. Because “not being photographed together in 9 months” is to PR relationships what “shitting in front of your piece while not giving a hell that you’re shitting in front of your piece” is to real relationships. It means it’s the end.

But Gossip Cop stamped the word “LIES” on UsWeekly’s story, so maybe Alicia and Assbender are trying to work it out (read: negotiating a contract extension).

But really, Alicia has done Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender. If she moves on to Idris Elba, Prince Hot Ginge or the hot douchey deli worker at Vons who called me “bro” once, I’m going to search Angie’s List for a witch who can give me the power to shape-shift into Alicia Vikander’s Swedish vagine.

And here’s Alicia with professional Oscar fisher Eddie Redmayne at the TIFF premiere of The Danish Girl.

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

Michael Fassbender And Alicia Vikander Might Break-Up Because He Won’t Stop Partying

I always forget that Alicia Vikander, from Ex Machina and The Man from U.N.C.L.E., has been bouncing on Michael Fassbender’s extra meaty crotch hose for a little while, but she has. However, she may soon permanently get off of that ride, because she’s getting bored and sick of him always party hopping and guzzling down the sweet nectar. Oh, Alicia. You should’ve tried to make it work with Alexander Skarsgard. He’d spend every night with you and stroke your hair as he reads you Jackie Collins novels in Swedish while you nuzzle against his strong mighty viking dick. At least that’s what he and I do in the fanfics I write about us.

Alicia and Assbender have been together since last year after meeting on the set of their movie The Light Between Oceans in Australia. A source type tells Star that 26-year-old Alicia is close to dumping 38-year-old Assbender’s ass, because the party never stops with him.

“Alicia knows Michael likes to have his fun, but she had no idea just how much. With Michael, life is basically a 24-hour free-for-all. He’s constantly boozing, smoking cigarettes, hopping from one party to the next. He says he’s just having fun, but Alicia’s getting bored with it.”

Of course, Gossip Cop heard from a “source” that this is a lie.

If it’s true, I can’t understand it, why Michael wants to hurt Alicia. After all of the things she’s done for him. She buys him champagne and roses and diamonds on his finger. Diamonds on his finger. Still, he hangs out all night. What is she to do? Alicia’s man wants to party all the time. Party all the time. And yes, I just quoted an Eddie Murphy song. It’s Friday. Leave me alone!

Here’s the first picture of Assbender in Assassin’s Creed and pictures of Alicia walking in London.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, 20th Century Fox, FameFlynet