Clarissa Exposes It All

April 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, as much as any of us want to see of Melissa Joan Hart, anyway. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there are many people out there who are dying to fap to an image of Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s bare broomstick saddle. And yet I’m sure there’s probably a ton of gross Salem fanfic that exists? (Update: Yes. And please bring me some Pepto, I don’t feel well).

Melissa Joan Hart is the second former Dancing with the Stars contestant to announce this week that they’re currently dropping pounds and cashing cheques courtesy of a weight loss company. Melissa is currently on the Nutrisystem payroll and announced her 40-lb weight loss by posting this not-at-all photoshopped picture of her new bikini body to Instagram yesterday with the caption:

It’s not everyday I like to show a lot of skin but these days I’m feeling confidant. Thanks Nutrisystem! Look for my new commercial that begins airing April 21! And don’t miss me tomorrow on @GMA. You can ask me questions on twitter with #askMelissaGMA.

I have a question, Melissa: Why are your legs so fucking shimmery? You look like you’re wearing the weird pantyhose that Hooters girls wear (which is usually The Look, just not here). When she appeared on Good Morning America Wednesday morning, Clarissa explained why she’s all of a sudden turned into Leann Rimes 2.0:

“It’s the first time I’ve been able to wear a bikini in probably 10 years. I felt confident enough to wear a bikini because I lost 40lbs with Nutrisystem and I’ve been able to just keep going.”

These are the times I’m glad I’m a graduate of the prestigious Like I Give A Fuck Finishing School, because I wear whatever the fuck I want to the beach and don’t give a fuuuuuck. The beach is for getting drunk on cans of Bud Light Lime, “going swimming” =  pissing in the water, and writing HAG on your friend’s back in SPF-50 after they decide to take a nap. I say wear a bikini whenever you want to; ain’t nobody got time to judge tummy pooches, flat butts, and dude tits when they’re trying to roll a joint without getting sand in it.

Pic: Instagram

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