Category: A Case Of The Olds
People Stepped Up To Alert Samuel L. Jackson That His Twitter Porn “Like” Spree Was Public
Once you’ve been demoted to the second most prolific swearer in Hollywood, you can only spend your 74th birthday one way: slapping some motherfucking likes on some motherfucking fucking. So that’s just what Samuel L. Jackson did on Wednesday until a bunch of Twitter boner-killers pulled through to warn him that everyone could see he was watching and liking hardcore porn using his verified account.
Open Post: Hosted By Flossie, The World’s Oldest Living Cat
Introducing Flossie, the current Guinness World Record-holder for the oldest living cat at 26 years and 316 days, to be precise. Flossie, who has since turned 27, was recently adopted by Vicki Green, who got her from Cats Protection, a British kitty charity. Cats Protection employee Naomi Rosling says she was “flabbergasted” when Flossie’s vet records revealed she was almost 27. Vicki says she knew Flossie was special but had no clue she’d be sharing her home with world record holder. Suuure. Vicki probably scoured the Internet looking for the oldest cat possible, all in a sick attempt to be a part of a Guinness World record. Sweetie, if you want a record that badly, go see Spider-Man 292 times in theaters like a normal person!
Open Post: Hosted By JC Chasez’s Silver Fox TikTok Debut
JC Chasez arguably had the most vocal talent of all of the members of NSYNC; to me, those velvety pipes always outshined Justin Timberlake’s high-pitched warblin’. And back in NSYNC’s prime, Justin was also known for his bleached “ramen noodle” looking hair. But, present-day JC’s hair is what recently had the people talking; because he recently joined TikTok and people were shocked to find out that he’s now sporting both a luscious grey beard and mane.
Open Post: Hosted By The Explanation Of What A Mall Is From Netflix’s Abercrombie & Fitch Documentary
Do you remember a time when boy bands ruled the earth, teenage boys obsessively frosted their tips, and Abercrombie & Fitch dominated the fashion landscape? Then you might remember malls! And if you remember malls then you are categorically an OLD! In fact, you’re so old that a recent Netflix documentary had to take a moment to explain to the children what exactly a “mall” (pronounced MAW-LL) was. It’s time to grab your Metamucil and start weeping for your long-lost youth!
Open Post: Hosted By Frodo The Cat’s Private Elevator
If you have a cat, you know they’re lazy little monsters that will eat you out of house and home if they could! But every once in a while they do a cute thing with their paw or something and you drop everything to give them special treats. Cats have tricked us all into doing their bidding and we’re powerless to stop it. Case in point…meet Frodo, the cat king of manipulation! Frodo is 20 years old and due to his ancient age, has trouble walking up and downstairs (or so he wants us to think!). His human Liam Thompson noticed the feline’s difficulties and decided to build Frodo his very own custom elevator!
Open Post: Hosted By Geriatric Millennials’ Hatred Of The Term “Geriatric Millennials”
Members of Generation X would be overjoyed at this point to be acknowledged at all, especially after years of getting cruelly mislabeled as slackers, even while most of them were being diligently coke-fueled, overachieving students and workaholics. They also had the now nostalgic advantage of real-time Johnny Depp when he was still at the height of his prettiness and almost even out-prettied then-girlfriend Winona Ryder before everything fell apart into a pile of empty wine bottles, hipster scarves, and glittery teeth.
After that brief and controversial acknowledgment of The Forgotten, Generic, Latchkey Filler That Glues These Other Attention-Sucking Bitches Together Generation, we’re back to society’s happy-place default of ignoring Gen X, as God and nature intended. Today’s generational focus is Millennials as usual, and specifically, the ones now referred to as “geriatric.”