Up until a few faps, I mean, a few minutes ago, I knew nothing about this Jeff Brazier dude, but nothing will make me Google Image a ho with one hand while plastic wrapping my chair with the other like reading the words: “I can lick my own dick!” The quickest way to a slut’s hole is to utter those words.

Torso of the week award winner Jeff Brazier is a British reality whore who used to be a footballer and dated the late Jade Goody for a couple of years. And apparently, Jeff is so hung that his dick can knock the nuggets off your tonsils while he fucks you. So it’s really no surprise that Jeff can make out with his peen’s mouth. While doing an interview for Dancing on Ice, Jeff said that his self-fellatio act has quickly become his go-to party trick.

“I do! I’ve not performed it for some time, but it originated from when I was an apprentice at Leyton Orient. The older pros had noticed that I had a talent, and one night, when I was on reserves, one of them said to me, ‘I bet you could probably suck your own thingy, couldn’t you?’ And then another one went, ‘Go on, try it!’

I did, yeah. I was young and pretty impressionable. I managed to touch myself with my tongue. I didn’t spend too long down there, I have to say. It was just making the contact that was the impressive part. But I think it was just to do with being young and flexible. I’ve not tried recently. I did it for everyone when I was on Shipwrecked. We were all a bit down ‘cos it had been raining, and the cameras were off, so I was like, ‘Hey everyone, have a look at this!’… It’s legendary! I feel lucky that I’ve been given a good few inches above average.”

This declaration from Jeff falls directly under the PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN category. I really don’t know if I believe Jeff at all. If I could do that, the only sounds you’d get from me after asking a question would be: kljklajdfkladddseesjfkjdjd….. slurp…. jljkladmmsfjkljfeee… gargle… gulp… zzjljlkjkljkl. Actually, that’d be one of the most articulate answers I’ve ever given, so maybe I should start stretching, praying, pumping and training.

And because you want to see, here’s a picture of Jeff’s Big Ben bulge:

I don’t know whether I want to strap that thing around a steering wheel for security or spoon with it on a sofa.

This one’s a little too gross, we almost didn’t share. This A/B list, film mostly, British actress is a little self-obsessed or else a little nasty. She saved some of her tonsilloliths (google it, we had to) at the request of a fan who was willing to pay big bucks for them. He saved them in a little vile around his neck and calls them “Pearls of [Actress name].” Say it with us, YUCK! (BuzzFoto)

I GOOGLED so you don’t have to! You know those things. It’s fun to knock them off with Q-Tips. They pretty much look like one of Satan’s cum clots. Now on to the guesses. The first name that popped up was my favorite proud slut Sienna Miller, because she’s always got her mouth wide open and a fan probably spotted her tonsil dingles from far away and shouted, “Gimmegimmegimme!” And she just might be crazy enough to sell. Other guesses: Kate Beckinsale or Julie Andrews (it’s so not Julie Andrews)?

This used to be B list actress, but now probably a C. Our actress has always been kind of odd. She was on a very hit show. Like one of the most hit shows ever. It ended last year and since it has ended she has spent some time in a mental health facility. (CDAN)

Lost is the show. The Smoke Monster is the actress.

This actor seems fairly macho on screen, but is actually pretty much of a wuss in real life. He was being courted for a plum role in a upcoming action adventure. He was interested in the part, but after some consideration, thought it would be too physically and mentally demanding for him and turned it down. No matter how much money you offer this guy, he just won’t take a roles in which he might be a little too hot or cold, a little too dry or wet, or a little too high or low. (Blind Gossip)

Vin Diesel seems like he’d run in place until he started floating off the ground if he spotted a mouse, so I’ll go with him.

It will be baby season soon, and you can expect a lot of stars to add to their families in the upcoming months! This group includes a very famous actress, who we hear is expecting a little bundle of joy. No, she hasn’t announced it publicly yet, but she is already making preparations, including the selection of a name. If everything goes as planned, she will be naming the baby after an equally famous celebrity with whom she is good friends (but it’s not the celebrity you expect) . The name is actually very nice, and it fits in well with the actress’ family. Despite that, we hope she reconsiders before the baby arrives. If she doesn’t, she is in for a rude awakening the first time she Googles the baby’s name for news or photos. Why? Because it’s the same name as that of not-very-famous porn actress. (Blind Gossip)

Jennifer Aniston has already denied that she’s adopting a Mexican baby, but I’m going to go with her anyway. And I’m still guessing her ass even though I couldn’t find any porn stars named Chelsea Aniston, Courtney Aniston, Beanie Baby Aniston or Entenmann’s Aniston.

Then again, this could also be Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth? There is a Playboy model named Tiffany Toth. Reese Witherspoon and Tiffany are friends?!

What former very high B list movie actress who is now the answer to one messed up career via booze and drugs is at Fashion Week in Paris where she had a threesome with this long time A list movie actress and her celebrity boyfriend. I wonder if she charged the guy. I bet she thought about it. (CDAN)

Tara Reid is in Paris with her new boyfriend, and so is Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson. Joshua’s got that Dawson’s Creek money so Tara should’ve invoiced his ass.

We’re getting lots of good Blinds from our Sundance source this year. Our source has another interesting piece of info about the Olympian we told you about earlier. This time, she claims that whenever he and his ‘crew’ are in Vegas partying at a famous club the athlete only tips 2% of his bill. The owner of the club is very frustrated with him and has told the servers to avoid his table when he comes in. He expects freebies and gives very little for what he gets. (BuzzFoto)

Dick Button! Of course. (It’s not Dick Button).

But this isn’t supposed to happen. Jack LaLanne is supposed to outlive every single one of us. This is definitely a cold glass of freshly juiced sadness. Jack LaLanne, the fitness guru of all fitness gurus who still makes all of us feel like fat lazies, is juicing oranges with his bare hands for the angels up in heaven today. Jack died of respiratory failure due to pneumonia at his home in Morro Bay, CA this afternoon. Jack was 96.

Jack was not only an infomercial star who entertained me in the middle of the night with his juice talk while I devoured a bowl of nachos, but he also hosted his own workout show for a million years and opened a chain of gyms.

Jack’s wife of 51 years, Elaine LaLanne (that’s really the perfect name), released a short statement to The Associated Press about the loss of a legend:

“I have not only lost my husband and a great American icon, but the best friend and most loving partner anyone could ever hope for.

Rest in peace, Jack…. We’ll all put on our black spandex jumpsuits and juice something in your honor (Can you juice a Twinkie?).

George Clooney was in the Sudan earlier this month to work with the United Nations and Google on ways to prevent a civil war when a blood sucker who doesn’t cocktail at the Palms on the weekend bit into his skin. George caught Malaria, but this isn’t the first time. George’s rep shouted to everyone that he’s going to live and has already made a full recovery.

“George is completely over the Malaria he contracted while in the Sudan during the first week in January. This was his second bout with it. This illustrates how with proper medication, the most lethal condition in Africa, can be reduced to a bad ten days instead of a death sentence.”

George’s rep also failed to mention that while he was in a Malaria haze, Elisabetta Canalis tried to get a local priest to marry them so she could claim half of his fortune. You can’t blame a trick for trying. And really, BIG FUCKING WOW to George. So he caught and beat Malaria twice. Well, I’ve been battling a canker sore in the left side of my mouth for the past two weeks! Everything that goes into my mouth has to make a quick right for processing. I’m basically only using half of my mouth and you know that’s a hard thing for a slut to do. Try that, George…and get fully better, because the Vegas cocktail waitress industry depends on it.

via E! Online

OWN, the only TV network that every church on the planet recommends watching in lieu of prayer, launched last weekend and its creator talked to reporters at the Television Critics Association press tour yesterday where she confirmed what every priest has already told us: OPRAH IS GOD’S BLOWN HORN….among other things.

Just like Praise The Lord Baby, Oprah hypnotized the room of reporters with her sermon about her plans for her network and what she’s trying to do. Here’s just a few quotes from Oprah Revival ’11:

On how all of us are here for a reason: “So the evolving of consciousness is really what I’m about but I’m not telling people that’s what it is. All of us are here to become more of who we are, of who you really were born to be. Every single one of us in this room has that. That is how we are all equal, because I was born to be who the creator intended, whether you believe in the creator or not. Whatever you believe put you here, you were born to perform the highest expression of that coming. That is my goal as my personal self and it is also my goal to help other people see that in themselves. I fully understand that this platform that I have been given is a gift.”

Thank you, Oprah. I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you. Thank you for letting me know to keep struttin’ on the same path with my head held into a bong. Oprah IS great!

On how she doesn’t watch TV: “I don’t want all that energy coming into my space; I want to control the energy coming into my space.”

Xenu, you crazy bitch! Stop hacking into Oprah’s direct connection with GOD and leaving your own messages!

On how she’s heaven’s one-woman singing telegram deliverer: “After The Color Purple, I learned that God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself. I try to live in that space that is the universe’s dream for me, the bigger dream. As you heard me say to Barbara Walters, my prayer is: use me. I see myself really as a messenger for a message that is greater than myself. The message is: You can. You can. You can. You can do and you can be and you can grow and it can get better and it doesn’t matter where you were born or who your mother was or how many doctorate degrees you did have or your family had or your father had. It doesn’t matter. You can. You can do.”

Oprah is right. Ha. I type that as if Oprah is ever w.w.w.ww.w.w.wr. See, my keyboard won’t even let me complete that sentence. But yes, Oprah is right. You can. You can. You can. You can change THE CHANNEL. No, I didn’t mean that. That was blasphemy….and a sin.

Now, while I try to wash away that sin by saying a dozen Holy Gayles, you can look at these pictures of Oprah wearing one of Endora’s old housecoats to the TCA cocktail reception last night in L.A.