Things That Need Not Exist: The Bodyguard Remake

February 23, 2011 / Posted by:

The Bodyguard is a ridiculous disaster of epic proportions, but it’s a perfect ridiculous disaster of epic proportions that doesn’t need to be touched. The dead fish chemistry between Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner… Whitney Houston delivering some Robocop goddess realness at that bizarre club… Whitney Houston wearing a Russian grandma’s wedding outfit and plastic earrings to the fucking Oscars… Kevin Costner’s orange juice addiction… Kevin Costner thinking that a stupid cabin in the middle of nowhere is a safe place to hide from a crazed stalker… These are moments and things that you can’t recreate! It’s impossible.

But Warner Bros. made over $400 million from The Bodyguard, so they’re going to try do it again. And aaaaaaaah-eeeeeeee-aaaaah don’t want this shit to happen. The hurtful details from Deadline:

Scripted by Lawrence Kasdan and directed by Mick Jackson, the original was a fairly straight ahead tale of a Secret Service agent (Costner in a Steve McQueen homage, down to his hairstyle) drafted to protect a singing diva whose life has been threatened by a stalker, then falling for her in a way he fears is a distraction from his job. The new version is similar, including the love story, but here the bodyguard will be a former Iraq war veteran who gets the job protecting the star as his first gig after leaving the Army. He discovers that the world of Twitter, Google Maps and TMZ has made access to celebrities easier than ever, making the job more difficult than ever. The goal is to take a young female singer with global appeal and give her the platform that The Bodyguard did Houston.

By “young female singer with global appeal” they mean Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Lea Michele (kill me) or Susan Boyle, right? Fuck my life with Kevin Costner’s samurai sword.

The only way I will accept this is if they cast Asian Boytina in the Whitney Houston role and Justin Bieber in the Kevin Costner role. Warner Bros. is already getting a ticket on the express elevator to hell for this, so they might as well go all the way.

DOUBLE KICK TO THE DICK UPDATE: And they’re doing Soapdish too…..

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