I Guess He Don’t Got No Buns, Hun

December 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Sometimes I’m grateful that I have the memory of a taxidermy goldfish. Case in point: I totally forgot to DVR that Eaten Alive mess on Discovery and I totally forgot to watch it last night. I dodged a bullet of boredom and it sounds like Eaten Alive was about as riveting as my chihuahua chewing on the carrot nose of his snowman plush toy for 10 minutes.

For weeks, Discovery has been whoring the shit out of a 2-hour special that was supposed to show naturist Paul Rosolie and his black magic twisty worm brows get swallowed whole by an anaconda in the Amazon. Paul had a special suit made and the plan was for him to get sucked up into the anaconda’s body before being pulled to safety by his team. Deadline says that the special was a flop from the beginning. Paul and his team spent 75% of the special trying to catch a gigantic 25-foot anaconda he once came cross (Side note: If you’ve got a gutter brain like me, then those words made you picture Paul fapping on the Hammaconda) during an expedition in the Amazon. That anaconda wanted nothing to do with Paul’s STUNT QUEEN stunt and after they failed to capture it, they decided to use some smaller understudy anaconda they had on standby.

Just like the wild anaconda, the understudy anaconda wasn’t DTS (down to swallow). Have you ever spent a good amount of time before a date pruning your pubes, waxing your b-hole and getting your body fuck time ready? Then at the end of the night when you and your piece are getting hot on the sofa and you think you’re about to get yours, he cuddles up to you close, and kisses your forehead before falling asleep. That feeling is probably what Paul felt when the anaconda refused to eat him.

The understudy anaconda just squeezed Paul really tight and said to itself the same thing you’d say out loud if Miley Cyrus tried to tongue kiss you: “I am not putting that in my mouth!” The understudy anaconda failed to eat Paul and he eventually tapped out after an hour. If you haven’t already, watch this mess and keep your ears open for the sound of Steve Irwin cackling from heaven.

Both Discovery and Paul jacked all of us off by saying that the special was less about him getting eaten alive by an anaconda and more about trying to bring attention to rainforest destruction. Um, couldn’t they have shown a rerun of Planet Earth instead?

Paul didn’t get eaten alive by a snake, but he did get eaten alive by Twitter. People on Twitter unlocked their jaws, swallowed him whole, digested him and then shit him out. Here’s just one of the golden nuggets from Twitter last night:

Paul tells People that the anaconda is fine. They kept in touch with her keeper for weeks to make sure she didn’t suffer any kind of injuries or anything.  I’d like to think that right after the cameras stopped rolling, the anaconda slithered off into the jungle and barfed up all of Al Capone’s belongings.

Yes, Paul is a STUNT QUEEN, moron and fame whore trickster, but he’s pretty hot to me. If he wants to try that stunt again he should call me. I’d gladly put on an anaconda costume and swallow him whole. And there comes up the breakfast burrito you ate alive this morning.

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