George And Amal Clooney Are Retiring From Visiting “Dangerous” Places
George Clooney is about to go from a no-cares guy in his 50’s to a 55-year-old father to twin babies, and there’s a lot of prep work that needs to be done before that happens. George will need to switch out his crystal tequila glasses for some sturdy plastic cups. He might need to retrofit his favorite motorcycle with a custom-made two-baby sidecar, or – gasp! – trade it in for a double-wide stroller situation. I don’t know if George has checked any of that off his list, but one change he’s making is to the places he and Amal Clooney have graced their presence with in the past.
Krime Scene Photos From Kim Kardashian’s Robbery Have Been Released
Four months after Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her apartment in Paris, several photos and a surveillance video of the night of the robbery have been released. The crime scene photos and surveillance video were released by French news channel TF1 yesterday. Google translate broke it all down into English for me, but it still made about as much sense as a note written by Kanye West. So I moved on over to TMZ‘s coverage of the story. They say the pictures show Kim’s bedroom, a roll of duct tape used to bind her, and what appears to be the piece used to gag her. There are also stills from the surveillance video which show the alleged robbers meeting at a cafe several times after the robbery.
Kim Kardashian Robbery Crime Scene Pics Surface (PHOTO GALLERY) https://t.co/MLX3CiqvYA
— TMZ (@TMZ) February 19, 2017
I knew those alleged jewel heisters were old, but they look really old. That’s like Ocean’s Taking Eleven Different Pills for Arthritis old.
Video of the alleged robbers getting away on bikes was released shortly after the robbery, but now we know what they did after they got away. TF1 also aired a reenactment of the robbery, which sounds tacky and exploitative and I’m sure Kris Jenner loved it and requested a hundred copies of it.
The French report also states that the alleged thieves used code words and code names over the phone while discussing the robbery. They don’t say what Kim’s code name was. This is the information we need to know. Was it “Dame Derrière“? “Visage Plastique“? “L’Ancienne Assistante de Paris Hilton“?
Here’s Kim and Kanye going out for dinner on Saturday night in Los Angeles. Kim wore track pants and a fur coat (gotta stay loose and warm after your latest procedure), and Kanye wore a coat made from the wallpaper in your aunt’s powder room.
Pics: Splash
David Duke Keeps Fighting With Captain America On Twitter
Every day, I read a story that makes me think that we’re all trapped in one really long acid trip, and one day we’ll wake up in the desert and realize that we just dropped the wrong shit at Burning Man. That’s all. J. Harvey covered one of those stories this past weekend.
This surreal fight started when Chris Evans tweeted about the confirmation of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General and said that if racist demon anus David Duke agrees with that choice, then something is really really wrong. Captain America’s tweet awoke the dehydrated tape worm and he spit back by calling Chris Evans a “dumb actor” and other shit. I thought that was the end of another WTF fight for the WTF feuds history books. But then Reverend Henry Kane’s more evil older half-brother kept on going.
Open Post: Hosted By Some Ball Pit Elegance
For one quick second last night, I thought this was Audrina Patridge in an Xtina wig, but I should’ve known that Audrina doesn’t have the balls (or sense of style) to wear a DIYI ensemble made out of a pink bed sheet, pit balls stolen from a Chuck E. Cheese and a couture tube top borrowed from Frenchy Morgan’s closet.
This is a pop singer named Girl Crush and before yesterday she was best known as “WHO?” Actually, she’s still known as “WHO?“, but now she’s known as a “WHO?” who showed nearly everyone up at last night’s Grammys. Girl Crush showed everyone that you don’t need thousands of dollars worth of jewels and designer shit to rule the red carpet. All you need is charisma, a hot glue gun and a trustworthy friend who will drive the getaway car after you run out of Chuck E. Cheese with a trash bag full of pit balls. Girl Crush looks like a cross between Molecule Ball Barbie and an off-brand Candy Land doll sold exclusively at select Family Dollar stores.
Since Girl Crush couldn’t sit in that gumball machine gown, she probably learned up against a wall for all 568 hours of the Grammys. But that’s a small price to pay for getting to wear a gorgeous and expertly-made ensemble that had more blue balls than a Smurf bathhouse. Wait, do Smurfs have nutsacks? And no lie, my browser quit after I typed that last question. It probably knew I was about to Google, “Naked man Smurf.”
And I also threw in pictures of regular Grammy attention whore and proud Scientologist, Joy Villa, who trolled in a Trump dress. Her shameless trolling paid off, because her EP hit the #1 spot on iTunes. But Trump’s supporters shouldn’t be impressed with Joy’s dress unless it was made in China, like many of Trump’s products.
Pics: Wenn.com
David Beckham Really Wants To Be Sir David Beckham
When the headline “David Beckham Emails Hacked” passed my eyes this weekend, I figured that the folder titled “DICK!!!!!” on my desktop would get a new addition. But the alleged hacking of David Beckham’s emails didn’t gift us with a picture of his dick, but it did paint him as a giant dick. And of course, Minnie Mouse’s voice twin is denying it all.
Hot Slut Of The Day!
The Ice Cream Cone Shooter!
Like exquisite Lucite heels, Cool Whip and Jocelyn Wildenstein’s face, the Ice Cream Cone Shooter is a classic and will stay a classic for the rest of eternity. For those of you who are uneducated in the important subject two cent toys, the Ice Cream Cone Shooter is a colored ball of foam that’s attached to a plastic cone and you’d shoot that mess at your friends and loved ones.