Once a year Michelle Duggar has her fallopian tubes in for a thorough steam cleaning and undercoat. – TeamValtrex

Runners-up:

Halloween pumpkin patches in Chernobyl are always a big letdown every year. – El Bastardo

Madonna’s concert rider specifies that she have a fresh crop of skin and cheek implants located adjacent to her trailer at all times. – prommom

via TAG (Thanks Rachel)

This may or may not be Cheyenne Jackson in a solo sex tape. If it is, we now know that Cheyenne Jackson is a dribbler and speaks with a weird ass accent post-fap – (NSFW!!) The Sword

Emily Ratajkowski is going to be the next Blake NotSoLively – Lainey Gossip 

The delicate and demure blossom of Germany, Micaela Schaefer, actually put on clothes to star in some kind of old timey Hostel shit photo shoot – Hollywood Tuna

Throw in Backdoor Farrah and you’d have the cast of Charlie’s Fame Whores – The Superficial

Naya Rivera gives Uncle Terry some under-titty action – Drunken Stepfather

Ben Affleck can take all the Batman hate – Towleroad

The Christian Side-Hug: One of the Duggar girls and her suitor are only allowed to do that while “courting” – Celebitchy

If Toy Story was directed by Stanley Kubrick – The Berry

Bethenny Frankelstein and Jason Hoppy are going to drag out their melodramatic custody battle for maximum attention – Reality Tea

Sky Ferreira and her boyfriend got caught with heroin and ecstasy – IDLYITW

Olivia Wilde is no Emma Peel – Popoholic

I think I’d much rather see Justin Theroux’s collection of gonorrhea-ridden tongues than Jennifer Aniston’s Cabbage Patch Dolls displayed on their mantle – ICYDK

The O.C. got a Turkish remake – OMG Blog

Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz are so damn lucky that the Hamptons house they accidentally partied in didn’t belong to George Zimmerman – HuffPo

AMC is screwing with all of our emotions – Videogum

QOTD: “Respect the queen when you see ’em, bitch!” – Crunk + Disorderly

One second after this picture was taken, a Brazilian fan pulled Beyonce into the school and she was never heard from again – Popsugar

I don’t know what this says about me, but I kind of like Katy Perry’s song about Trace Cyrus – Just Jared

The hell kind of Mrs. Brady hair is Sandra Bullock wearing on the cover of Vogue? – I’m Not Obsessed

I believe the correct PC term is “Skittle People”. – Texndoc

Runners-up:

A rare look inside Glamberace’s left testicle. – Gina Latina

What would have happened if Michelle Duggar married into Rainbow Brite’s family. – WhoCares

It seemed, as they all posed for the inaugural meeting photo, that most victims of the Munsie paint factory explosion had come to terms with its impact on their lives. – Kiwi_Chicklet

via FunPic

Fiona Apple (36)
Niall Horan (20)
Ben Savage (33)
Swizz Beatz (35)
Stella McCartney (42)
Tyler Perry (44)
Michelle Duggar (47)
Annie Duke (48)
Jeff Ross (48)
Dave Mustaine (52)
Geri Jewell (57)
Iyanla Vanzant (60)
Randy Jones (61)
Jean Smart (62)
Frank Marshall (67)
Jacqueline Bisset (69)
Peter Cetera (69)
Joe E. Tata (77)

BONUS: Here’s Fiona singing “Pure Imagination” in a Chipolte ad on factory farming, because sure why not?

(Pic via NY Times)

On the next episode of Dirty Jobs, Mike spends a day in the life of a Kardashian gynecologist. – H321

Runners-up:

Michelle Duggar finally realized she could get big money selling the very first picture of her newest child. – TFBuckFutter

He couldn’t find the G-spot either. – LilDeuceToupee

via Izismile

Kim Zolciak’s latest assistant better buy extra cartons of cigarettes at Costco, because the human silicone bag in a wig is smoking for three now! One of Atlanta’s hardest working fame whores and gold diggers tells E! that her and her husband Kroy Biermann are going to be parents to twins. Kroy and Kim already have 2 sons together and she has 2 daughters from her first marriage. As Kim’s Duggar-in-training uterus moans and tries to send her brain a message to please trade in her prenatal cigarettes for prenatal weed joints so the pain it feels from always having a baby in it will go away, she said this to E! about having her own child army:

“I’m having twins and I couldn’t be more excited. I was completely shocked. I had no idea. It was a natural conception, but twins do run in the family, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I can’t believe I am going to be a mom to six children. It’s going to be very busy but it’s a dream come true.”

Kim is a piece of trash and her pussy probably suffers from PTSD by now, but I still have to slow clap for her. Now that she’s having twins, bitch not only secured another season of her unwatchable shit show Don’t Be Tardy…., but now she’s going to get even more child support money from Kroy when they eventually divorce.  That’s a how gold digging fame whore truly does it!

(Pic via Instagram)