The giant vagina statute in German that tried to eat an American exchange student alive! 

Usually when firemen get a call about a panicked dude getting stuck in a giant coochie, they shrug and say, “Send the jaws of life to Paris Hilton’s house. She got another one.” But when emergency services in Tübingen, Germany got a call about a dude trapped in a gigantic chocha, they found an American exchange student stuck in Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara’s marble sculpture of a vulva in front of Tübingen University Institute of Microbiology. The marble statue may or may not be a life-size replica of Michelle Duggar’s precious vagine.

Dude was just doing what most foreign exchange students do. He was getting into the local culture and fucking with the country’s most treasured monuments. Erick Guzman, who took the pictures and splattered them all over the internet, said that when 22 firefighters arrived they were not happy about having to yank a human tampon out of a marble puss:

“I was there!!! He just wanted to take a funny picture“ witness Erick Guzman posted to Imagur. “The fire department was not really amused, and he was really embarrassed.”

But really, I can’t fully judge, because we’ve all been there. We’ve all been yanked out of a twat at one point or another. And it didn’t take much for those 22 firefighters to free that mess. They used the “pull-out method.” No, I can’t either.

Pic: Erick Guzman/imgur

A bar of soap’s worst nightmare – FaerieBad

Upvote winner:

Michelle said Russell was just an old friend but as the kids got older Jim Bob Duggar starting having doubts… – I Am Legend

via @rustyrockets

Most of today’s “news” is about those two whores covering the walls of Versailles (or as Nomi Malone would pronounce it, “Ver-Say-Lez“) with steaming hot bullshit by saying their useless vows in it, so I thought I’d give your eyeballs a break from seeing picture after picture of a dildo in a Balmain sausage casing and show you (in case you haven’t already seen it) this video from a security camera of a dude catching a falling baby in the small Chinese town of Xiaolan in. Dear Michelle Duggar, THIS is the true definition of “catching a baby.”

The Guardian says that when a really tall 1-year-old baby crawled onto a second story ledge to look for his mom, the people below freaked out and prepared to catch him. They tried to find shit that would break the baby’s fall like cardboard and an ottoman that kind of looks like luggage. A street vendor who the Chinese media identified as “Mr. Li” got right under the baby, assumed the catching position and right when the baby teeters off the edge, a shirtless dude cuts in (attention whore!) to help catch the kid. Mr. Li perfectly caught the kid and everyone cheered! Mr. Li got a 10! The kid’s mom got her kid back! And the kid got an offer to join the 2016 Chinese Olympic gymnastics team (he’ll totally be 16 by then)! The day was saved!

Mr. Li said afterward that he acted on instinct:

“I didn’t think too much at the time. I was just afraid of failing to catch him. Some people put down cardboard to avoid serious injuries to the baby if I fail to catch him. It was nothing but human instinct to do so.”

I did laugh at them throwing the cardboard down, but my ass would probably do the same thing. Shit, I’d throw down cardboard, trash, my jacket, those umbrellas and I’d even grab that screaming lady in the blue poncho and throw her down too.

Until we get Lindsay Lohan out of the dating pool we have to wear full body condoms. Let’s just make the best of it. – Jade

Upvote winner:

Michelle Duggar’s two remaining eggs make a break for it. – ImpertinentVixen

via Cheezburger

The “streaker” (I’m stretching the definition of “streaker” as wide as Michelle Duggar’s down low baby hangar since his peen didn’t make an appearance) who crashed the Met Gala last night!

The attention-whoring, fuckery-delivering Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk who is known for kissing Will Smith and crashed the Grammys might’ve struck again last night at the Met Gala. Anna Wintour has now made it her life goal to get revenge on the Ukraine by slithering through their streets and sucking the souls out of the innocent, because one of their own tried to ruin her party last night. Vitalii (or whoever that is) immediately became one of the best dressed (and best undressed to) when he busted through security in a hot pink Borat man-kini, sensible loafers, a gold chain and business man leg warmers. It’s very “if The Situation was a seasonal accountant at H&R Block.”

The Met Gala streaker was caught by security and the cops and kicked out. I don’t know why. There were a bunch of asses at that party, what’s one more? Sadly for Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, he was kicked out before she was able to do a tequila shot off of his nalgas.

Pics: @jimshi809, Wenn.com

Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar try for #20. – ArrrB

Upvote winner:

Cpt. Travolta drops his hatch and prepares for loading. – Cinesnatch

via Izismile