Sharon Osbourne was on Graham Norton’s show at the end of November and told everybody (who didn’t ask or want to know) that the most excruciating plastic surgery procedure she ever had was vaginal rejuvenation. In a in a new interview with Howard Stern (via USWeekly), Sharon says she lied about having the procedure done as a joke while Howard called her ass out for backpedaling out of embarrassment.

On Wednesday morning, Osbourne described the hoax to Stern as a “flippant, stupid thing to be silly.” In return, the skeptical radio host pressed the British star for more information: “I feel like you did [get the surgery] and now you’re embarrassed to say it,” he said.

“I made it up,” retorted Ozzy Osbourne‘s wife of 31 years. “You’re saying you fabricated the whole thing?” an incredulous Stern demanded.

“I swear on my children’s lives I made it up — just to be flippant,” admitted the mother of Kelly and Jack. “How could I do that after I’ve had so much like, ill health?” she continued. “Now I’m going to start putting scaffolding up my vagina?” she quipped.

On one hand, I hope she did have the surgery, just as a safety net for all the other shit she’s done to herself. She’s had so many other things nipped, tucked, stuffed and plucked that if didn’t have her stage door closed, all her internal organs would eventually become unstable and fall like a Jenga tower straight out of her bagina and right on the damn floor. But on the other hand, if she left well enough alone, there would be a better chance Ozzy could stuff his peen in there and not have it look like he’s trying to shove a marshmallow in a piggy bank.

Here are some pics of Sharon and her maybe unratcheted crotchal situation in New York. Ugh, spending ANY time thinking about Sharon’s vagina situation, tightened or not, is making me queasy. It’s also undoing all the joy that spending a lot of time looking at food porn pics in the lasagna tag on Tumblr earlier this morning brought me. Thanks a fucking lot, Sharon.

(Pics: Splash)

Olivia Wilde, Aziz Ansari and Zoe Saldana announced the Golden Globe nominations at the hour of the ungodly this morning and when the category of Best Supporting Actress In A Motion Picture (aka OPRAH’S CATEGORY!) came up, they looked at Jennifer Lawrence and said, “You get a nomination,” they looked at Lupita Nyong’o and said, “And you get a nomination,” they looked at Oprah…and they kept moving. No nomination for Oprah! This is an unholy act against God. The Illuminati must be behind this…

Just like it’s a given that I’ll probably start my morning by silently weeping while sit down peeing, it was a given that The Mighty O would get a Best Supporting Actress nomination for The Butler and some hos thought that there was a kind of sort of chance that she’d beat Jennifer Lawrence and Lupita Nyong’o. But now that’s not going to happen. The organizers of that dark-sided event better buy more cases of champagne, because Oprah will not be there to turn all the goblets of tap water into flutes of Cristal. But I bet Gayle King’s loins are quivering something extra today, because she loves it when her boo gets the rage.

As for the other nominations, Fruitvale Station got shit, American Hustle is considered a comedy (which sort of makes sense since this is a work of comedic genius) and Angela Bassett was ROBBED! The GG voters obviously didn’t see Angela Bassett’s “fat ass cracker bitch” rant on AHS: Coven or she would’ve been the only name in that category. But Hayden Panatroll got nominated for Nashville (cut to me clapping and cheering all by myself since I might be the only ho that proudly watches that shit), Tatiana Maslany got nominated and more importantly, the Golden Globes recognized this thing of pure, natural, potent beauty:

I hope Robe Lowe shows up IN character. All of the nominations are after the cut. Warning: Get your punching fist ready, because Taylor Swift got a nomination in the Best Song category.  Continue reading

“Mayor Ford, did you have your aide perform oral sex on you in the middle of a City Council meeting?”

“Yes, but I was drunk at the time and, besides, he doesn’t get enough to eat at home.” – I am Legend

Runners-up:

Blond lady in the back:
“Run for Parliament, they said. Will be fun, they said” – Gina Latina

In the porn version of A Christmas Story, Ralphie was the one poking the eye out. – magusxxx

That reminds me………..I need to buy shrimp for the party – annobanano

via Break

Karen Perrin, the senior assistant from DC who Shawshank’d her way out of a bathroom after being trapped in that bitch for 8 hours.

Karen Perrin was finishing up some travel stuff for her boss until 10pm last Friday night and before picking up her purse and getting out of there for the weekend, she went to the ladies restroom. Karen did her thing, washed her hands and when she tried to open the door, she found out it was locked. Karen didn’t know what to do and she quickly panicked, so she went back into the stall, walked back out, washed her hands again and tried to open the door one more time hoping that it was all just some waking dream. But the door was really locked. I don’t know why in ILLEGAL hell that bathroom door locked from the outside, but it did.

Karen told MyFox Philly that she’s claustrophobic, so she panicked from the beginning thinking that she would be trapped in there for the entire weekend and would have to survive on tap water and toilet paper sandwiches. (“Eh, that’s more than I eat.” – every model) She tried to dismantle the lock from the inside and that didn’t work. She tried to kick in the door and she broke the handle, but the door stayed shut. Karen shoved paper towels through the door hoping that security would see it on the camera in the hallway. They didn’t.

Afraid that she’d have to sleep on a paper towel pillow on the floor, she stepped it up and tried to escape out of a hatch in the ceiling, but that plan was a bust. Karen told ABC News that’s when she thought about the Shawshank Redemption. It gave her a new plan. Karen used the door handle and a long rod she found to bust through the dry wall next to the door. After two hours, Karen made a hole big enough to put her arm through and turn the handle. She was freeeeeee! Karen said:

“I was crying. I felt like I was escaping a bad dream, like when you have a nightmare and you wake up and your heart is pounding and you realize, ‘Oh, I was just dreaming. Did that just happen. Am I OK?’”

Karen called her husband and daughter and they came to get her ass. Karen is taking a few days off to recover from this TERRIFYING HORRIFIC ORDEAL!!!! Morgan Freeman saved her! Morgan Freeman really is God!

Yes, this is news. No, not just local news. This is national news. As it should be, because hopefully the makers of 127 Hours will see this heroic story and turn it into a feature film called 8 Hours (starring Octavia Spencer). The world needs to see this harrowing tale of a woman’s will to not spend her entire weekend at her goddamn job.

On a different note, what kind of human doesn’t take her phone to the bathroom with her? How does she entertain herself? This is 2013!

Bob Barker (90)
Mayim Bialik (38)
Bridget Hall (36)
Hank Williams III (41)
Madchen Amick (43)
Regina Hall (43)
Jennifer Connelly (43)
Burke Moses (54)
Sheila E. (56)
Susan Powter (56)
Cathy Rigby (61)
Bill Nighy (64)
Tom Wilkinson (65)
Paula Wagner (67)
Dionne Warwick (73)
Connie Francis (75)

Seen above looking like a cross-eyed, lame horse trying to sneeze and push out a hard turd at the same time, LeAnn Rimes tells Entertainment Tonight that during her tribute to Patsy Cline at the American Country Awards last night,  she thought about wet humping to keep the tears coming out. Well, since Brandi Glanville is getting attention for saying that black people can’t swim, LeAnn had to do something to also get a little attention. So it was either pose for the paps in a confederate flag bikini at a KKK rally or say this shit:

“It was intense. … And about halfway through Crazy, you see people start to cry and then you’re like, ‘oh my God.’ My guitar player, he’s always giving me the tricks that work — always think about sex when you start to cry — and I was thinking about sex a lot throughout the whole thing. … By the end of it, it was just such an emotional moment for me.”

That’s funny, because while she was singing “Crazy” and thinking about sex, Eddie Cibrian was thinking about sex too! Yes, he was thinking about having sex with someone other than her, but he was still thinking about sex.

That’s a good trick, though, and it might work for everybody. The next time tears are about to squirt out of your eye holes and you don’t want them to, think about LeAnn Rimes fucking (SPOILER ALERT: That’s her O face above). There’s a 50/50 shot that trick will work. It’ll either make all your orifices and eye sockets dry up real quick or you’ll cry even more.

(Pic via AP)