The good news is that People didn’t name the singed ingrown chode hair their Sexiest Man Alive, which is a little surprising since their tongue tips were stuck in his anus hole last week. The better news is that People did give the title to the puppy-saving pillar of pure muscle known as The Rock! “Whatever, you don’t need a publicist to buy you that title, you sexy, sexiest man alive, you,” cooed out The Rock’s nemesis (after a closed sign on a gym, of course) Vin Diesel while looking into and flexing at the bedroom mirror that’s been done up like a People Sexiest Man Alive cover.

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The 8th Annual Governors Awards were held in Hollywood on Saturday night. The Governors Awards are the special, smaller Academy Award ceremony that are usually held in November to present honorary Oscars, like the one Angelina Jolie got for being a saint. Among this year’s honorary Oscar recipients was high-energy indestructible action film legend Jackie Chan. That’s right, Jackie Chan got an Oscar for being Jackie Chan.

62-year-old Jackie Chan is an acting monster. He started acting when he was 5 and has been in more than 200 films. Jackie has won a ton of Chinese film awards over the span of his career, but he’s never been nominated for an Academy Award. Although I’m sure if the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had created a category for Best Actor Able to Look Charming While Taking Repeated Hits to The Body, Jackie would be neck-and-neck in Oscar nominations with Meryl Streep. Since that category doesn’t exist, I guess the second best way to pay tribute to his career is by giving him an honorary Oscar.

Jackie’s fellow 2016 Governors Award recipients included film editor Anne V. Coates, casting director Lynn Stalmaster, and filmmaker Frederick Wiseman. Jackie was presented his award by Tom Hanks, Michelle Yeoh, and Chris Tucker. I was hoping to read that Jackie Chan accepted his award by crashing through a skylight, back-flipping his way across the stage, and grabbing it from Chris Tucker’s hand with his teeth, but it looks like he accepted it normally. Here’s Jackie’s thank-you speech.

An added bonus to having an Oscar in his trophy cabinet: it can double as a splint the next time he shatters one of bones during an on-set stunt. It’s the perfect size to hold a busted femur in place and keep going!

Pic: Splash

The tan Tom Hiddleston got this summer from frequent paparazzi flashbulb exposure was just starting to finally fade. It looks like he’s ready to start working his perfect boyfriend game for the cameras again. On Sunday afternoon, Tom was seen walking around North London with a young blonde. Oh boy, I can already hear MC Taylor Swift working out the hook for a track called 2 Many Blondez.

EXCLUSIVE: Tom Hiddleston steps out with Taylor Swift lookalike https://t.co/2bq1SUH6rC pic.twitter.com/uuN5uLG0zS

— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) November 14, 2016

It didn’t take Tumblr long to identify Tom’s new blonde as a UNICEF worker named Louise O’Shea. According to Twitter, Louise is Canadian. I can’t wait to see the “exclusive” pictures of Tom and Louise wearing head to toe Hudson Bay gear and sharing a butter tart while riding a caribou through the snow. Tom is a UNICEF ambassador, so they must have met at a work thing.

The Daily Mail says that Tom and Louise were later joined by a second UNICEF person on their walk. So it looks like they were probably just doing some UNICEF stuff together. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped the internet – myself included – from speculating on what’s going on between Tom and Louise. After all, Tom is thirstier than the people UNICEF builds wells for. The second he spotted a paparazzo, he immediately went into bashful boyfriend mode. Which probably made things really confusing for Louise if there’s nothing going on between the two of them. “Tom? Is everything ok? Why are you suddenly walking with your eyes closed and smiling like a goof? I better call 999, I think you might be having a stroke.”

Pic: Wenn.com

A few years ago, a reader e-mailed me to tell me that she wanted to be Hot Slut of the Day for her birthday and wondered what she had to do to get that illustrious title. Back then, I think I told her that she needed to be an abandoned couch on the curb that saved a car. If she wrote me today, I’d tell her that she needs to be a cat whose humans filmed her face morphing into the “Why in the fuck did I just do that?” position after inhaling some dirty pussy butt.

America’s Funniest Home Videos (yes, it still exists) got this video that serves as an obvious PSA for the dangers of sticking your nose in a shitty situation. Today’s HSOTD stuck his cat nose deep into another cat’s ass and when a burst of pussy farts fucked his nostrils wrong, he made the face that any non-scat queen would make after seriously sniffing on some rank ass. This cat accidentally won the mannequin challenge when those smelly cat butt fumes temporarily paralyzed him. This video also serves as a metaphor for so many things.

https://youtu.be/A4HTHWj4DFs

The next time I get hate mail from a trick who is mad about something on Dlisted, I’m going to show them this video and write, “This is YOU!” I mean, you come to Dlisted and are shocked when you get something shitty? You did this to you! No sympathy from me!

via Laughing Squid (For Angie)

Beverly D’Angelo (65)
Shailene Woodley (25)
B.o.B (28)
Lily Aldridge (31)
Jeffree Starr (31)
Yaya DaCosta (34)
Leslie Hall (35)
Ace Young (36)
Sean Murray (39)
Virginie Ledoyen (40)
Chad Kroeger (42)
Sydney Tamiia Poitier (43)
Jonny Lee Miller (44)
Rachel True (50)
Judy Gold (54)
Kevin Eubanks (59)
Jimmy Choo (68)
Frida Lyngstad of Abba (71)
Bob Gunton (71)
Roberto Cavalli (76)
Sam Waterston (76)
Petula Clark (84)
Ed Asner (87)
Judge Joseph Wapner (97)

Pic: Pinterest

And as Sir Kenneth Branagh and Tom Hiddleston caused twat tingles by delivering a double dose of British thespian hotness at the Evening Standard Theater Awards, an attention whore in the background (who may or may not be David Furnish) tried to ruin the shot by photobombing them. That photobomber must work for Taylor Swift – Lainey Gossip

What the world needs now is LAUGHS, so dear, God, please let this rumor about Taylor Swift making a hip hop album be true – Celebitchy

Heidi Klum does the “exhaling out a fart but keeping it sexy” pose in Shape magazine – Drunken Stepfather

January Jones’ ice globe titty balls came out for the Nocturnal Animals premiere – The Nip Slip 

Remember all those times I said that Lindsay Lohan is a thieving tsunami of coked-up dumbness? What I meant was that she’s a beautiful and talented gold-hearted woman. Did you hear that, Russians?!  – The Superficial 

I am 99% sure that I’ve seen Manila Luzon wear this same dress and I am 100% sure that Manila Luzon wore it better – Popoholic

If you’ve never seen a giant lie-teller before, just watch this video and pay attention to all of the liars who said NO – Pajiba

I see that Emily RideAJetSki is trying to snatch away Bella Hadid’s gold medal in dead eyes – Hollywood Tuna 

Compared to all of the other wrecks he’s given positions to, making Ivanka Trump the ambassador to the Czech Republic would be Trump’s only good move – Jezebel

Walking Is Hard: The Mimi Dressed As Bubblegum Barbarella Edition – SOW

Doug Stanhope’s girlfriend Bingo is in a coma after binging on the bad shit on her birthday and he’s dealing with it in his own WTF way – Starcasm

HBO is giving us another season of naked robots and old-timey orgies – Just Jared

After last week, we all need this picture of Sir Ian McKellen trying to eat Sir Patrick Stewart’s bald head while in lazy Blue Fairy drag – Popsugar

Pic: Getty