FYI: Xtina Isn’t Wearing Panties Here

Snookitina was on Chelsea Lately (via UsWeekly) last night, which is sort of surprising since Chelsea has spit lukewarm hate at her before, but then again Chelsea hates on everything that isn’t a delicious bottle of vodka or Jennifer Aniston’s vagine. But Xtina said she only agreed to go on Chelsea Lately if Chelsea went pant-less, because Chelsea always makes fun of her for being allergic to pants. So there’s Chelsea sitting pant-less in a chair and Xtina just had to double the UGH by telling everyone she always lets her down low parts flap in the wind.

“I don’t like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It’s just who I am. It’s empowering. It’s pussy power!”

It’s “empowering” for Xtina, but weird for the people who now know that whenever they stand around her they’re going to breath in the moist air her coochie breathes out. Who needs a humidifier when you’ve got Xtina’s misty poon?

I totally understand why Xtina doesn’t even bother with chonies. Drunktina is always boozed up and when you’re boozed up, panties just get in the way when you need to squat a piss out behind a dumpster in the Carl’s Jr. parking lot you made your piece drive into because your drunk bladder can’t wait until you get home. Besides, Xtina has so much pussy power down there that her labia rips off all panties. Bitch has got the Hulk of twats.

With all that being said, I CAN’T with Xtina for quoting the legendary Alexyss K. Tylor without giving credit.

And Here’s OctoMom’s O Face

And OctoMom’s manufactured O face is the exact open-mouthed, wonk-eyed face I made while looking at most of these pictures. My eyeballs really tried to escape by rolling to the back when I landed on this picture of Octo dressed like a forgotten Rock of Love Bus trick who buys all of her clothes at gas stations and rest stop gift shops. I mean, how did that vest happen?

OctoMom’s fap born debut titled “Octomom: Home Alone” is coming out (apologies for the things that pun did to your stomach) next week and Wicked got the party started by giving these censored pictures to TMZ. Usually, I’m cursing at a black bar for being a fun hater by blocking the goods, but I’m okay with them this time. We’re cool. They’re doing good work by keeping your coffee down.

Unless a video of Charlie Sheen masturbating with a rubber octopus toy while looking at these pictures makes the rounds, this is the most disturbing thing I’ll see all day. There’s nothing more depressing than watching a broke, destitute ho tap at her chocha (while surrounded by fucking baby clothes) to feed all 14 of her kids. And you’re not supposed to wash onesies on a board with your coochie out. I think I learned that rule on Pregnant in Heels or something.

The Time Simon van Kempen Jizzed On Himself While His Wife Was In Labor In Front Of Him

I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline “Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son” unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex’s half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say “fuckthis” and crawled back up into his mother’s body where it’s safe. That image will stay with me forever and I’ll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that’s not exactly how it went.

In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It’s kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I’ll let Alex take it from here:

Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he’d actually ejaculated though hadn’t felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it’s not too far a stretch to say that it’s a profound experience.

Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, “jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl.” Alicia’s son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that’s why you can’t really understand her, but what she said was, “Too far…. TOO FAR!”

You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word “creepy” but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.

Good News, OctoMom Is Open To Doing Fap Porn

Seen here making the “giving two handjobs to two men on stilts” pose, OctoMom has swore on her arch-less minus sign brows that she’d do almost anything for money, but one thing she will never do for a check is rub her c-section scar on another naked human being. Howard Stern called into the whatcomesafterz-lister chat line, Dial-A-Star, and paid the $14 a minute rate to have phone sex with Octo. Click here if you need to hear that today, but if you’d much rather assault your eyes than assault your ears with Octo’s “toddler after taking its first hit of meth” voice, I’ve transcribed it below:

HS: How you doing, honey?

OM: (giggles)

HS: Why can’t you just chill a little bit?

OM: IknowImsohighstrungIthinkpeoplekingofgetoffonthatbutthen..

HS: I bet you’re a good kisser.

OM: EWWW! Idontknowitsgotcobwebsdownthererambleramble-

HS: I’m picturing my cock in your mouth to shut you up.

OM: I got icicles everywhere. Everywhere. Soyoudjustrambleramble-

HS: It doesn’t matter. I’m trying to have phone sex with you.

OM: It doesn’t matter iciclesrambleramble-

HS: Why don’t you grab one of those diapers and shove it in your bleep hole-

OM: ramblerambleramblerambleramrambleramble

Then, Gina, the madam of the Dial-A-Star, told Howard that she’s trying to convince Octo to accept pornier offers including tapping her exit only baby chute on camera. Howard asked Octo about doing solo porn and she said that she’s thinking about it:

“I don’t know yet. I’d have to really reflect on that. It depends on how much I’m offered.

The only thing I’ll never do is give my body to another for money. That’s one thing I’ll never do…I don’t want them to have any resentment 20 years from now.”

Oh, Octo doesn’t have to worry about her child army resenting her for doing porn. They’re going to resent her either way. They can’t even spell “resentment” and they already know they resent her crazy ass. You know who I resent? Howard Stern. I resent him for putting the image of a diaper dildo in my head. I also resent myself, because while typing that headline, I was a few keystrokes away from accidentally typing “pap smear porn” instead. Even I can’t Google that last one… (Okay, I just did and why am I not surprised that Vanessa Hudgens came up as the second picture?)

How Pete Doherty Dealt With Amy Winehouse’s Death

Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty opened up to NME (Side note: You’re not alone if the words “Pete Doherty” and “opened up” in the same sentence makes your brain burp up the image of Goatse.) about how all he could do was shit, cry, yodel, shit and shit after his best friend and partner in fuckery Amy Winehouse died. Shit got so serious that Dreamy was close to needing a scuba kit to breathe under the rising scat stew that almost drowned him. Dreamy said:

“When Amy died I was sat in a matchbox room in Camden Town, not able to leave, basically wallowing in my own filth. Literally knee-deep in shit. Literally not able to move. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t see anyone, I couldn’t pick up the guitar and when I did pick up the guitar it was woeful ballads about how Amy wouldn’t be coming round tonight. It wasn’t a very inspiring time.”

On a positive note, at least he got a bath, even if it was a scat bath. I swear, I need to scrub my brain with a Baby Wipe after that visual and I’m surprised this is the first time I’ve had that visual since rolling around on a bed of caca seems like a regular day for Dreamy.

And yes, after all that, I still would, but sucking on his knee caps is out of the question!

Jessica Simpson’s Chocha Will Bring The Great Flood Of 2012

The entire county of Los Angeles has been put on flood alert and every citizen has been given a pair of water wings and told to watch out for floating bits of undigested Slutty Brownies. This happened after Jessica Simpson went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and told him that the reason why she looks like a SpongeBob hot air balloon in a yallaw wig is because she’s got three lakes full of baby water up in there.

“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha…. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

Does that mean when Jessica farts, her three ton belly makes the same gurgling sound a Sparkletts water cooler makes when you flip it over?

I can deal with Jessica naming her baby Maxi Pad and I’m even okay with her going on about how she’s giving her 10 pounds baby the dizzies with her non-stop pregnant fucking, but now she’s gone too far. I mean, I’ve always figured that Papa Joe was seriously into squirter porn and now Jessica is telling me she’s about to deliver the geyser squirt of all geyser squirts? Fuck you, Jessica, for giving me the image of Papa Joe waddling around in flippers, a scuba mask and a giant smile. SUCIO!