Drunks Are Smart!

Building a motorized bar stool (with a wheelie bar!!) seems like a genius idea. You just get on, go to the bar, drive inside, booze your troubles away and then head on home. Your lazy ass doesn’t even need to move off the seat! That’s what 28-year-old Kile Wygle of Ohio probably thought to himself until he failed by crashing that shit near his house. Because he wasn’t driving one of those car things, Kile probably thought he outsmarted the po pop and wouldn’t get in trouble. So he called 911, because he kind of fucked himself up when he crashed.

The Smoking Gun says that when the cops arrived, Kile pointed to his homemade hillbilly ride and said he wrecked his bar stool. Kile also admitted that he could go around 40mph on the thing if he wanted to, but was only going 20 when he ate it. Kile failed a bunch of sobriety tests and told the cops he had a lot of booze in his body. He was arrested and charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license.

Kile deserves to get the stool thrown at him in court! And the stool shoved up him in jail, because when the cops started giving his bar stool mobile the side-eye, he should’ve known something was up. That’s when he should’ve slowly backed away from his contraption and said, “Um. Did I say that was mine? Yeah, I’m kind of cloudy in the head from falling and all. I’ve never seen that before in my life. The bar stool isn’t mine!” He needs to watch more Cops!

Kile also needs to take this shit to the next level. Fuck the motorized bar stool! Build me a motorized bar….and a motorized bed….and a motorized toilet, so I never have to walk again!

Little Person Saved By Chihuahua

Okay, Hollywood can now stop remaking shit, because here’s an epic original story that’s begging to be turned into a silver-screen trilogy. It has everything you need: a lost midget, a chihuahua, a forest, helicopters, friendship and true love! And it happened in real life! Mary-Kate Trollsen, call your agent!

It all started when the 45-year-old tiny lady who goes by the name of Beverley Burkitt decided to go for a morning walk with her chihuahua, Pebbles, near the camp site they were staying at in North Wales. Beverley went deep into the forest before realizing she dropped her cell phone somewhere. She also realized she was fucking lost! Instead of getting lost even more, Beverley sat her little ass down with Pebbles and waited for help to come. They weren’t found until the next morning after a ground team and helicopters were sent out.

3’8″ Beverley thanks 7″ Pebbles for keeping her safe and warm through the night. She told The Sun, “Pebbles lay across my legs overnight and kept me warm. I was wearing a coat but it wasn’t as warm as Pebbles. I wasn’t too worried as I knew I’d be found sooner or later.”

Don’t ask me how Beverley got lost in a forest. I was under the impression that little people knew their way around every forest. Like it was a gene they were born with. But thankfully, Pebbles was there. This is why you should bring a chihuahua with you wherever you go. They SAVE lives! Although, something tells me after a few hours Pebbles was starting to look at Beverley like she was a little delicious chicken wing.

(Thanks Fay)

There’s A Hungry Pussy In Mah Cooch!

That could also work as the title of a HoHan/Samro sex tape should one ever surface.

Okay, this is really about a couch and a pussy, but cooch sounded so much better. Besides, cooch, couch! Kind of the same thing. Both are nice to lay on while watching TV. Although, I’ve been known to stick it in between couch cushions (that’s some Nip/Tuck shit), but not in a cooch. I’m joking! No I’m not.

Now let’s get out of the gutter and into this story. Vickie Mendenhall of Spokane, Washington went down to her local Value Village and bought a used couch for $27. Vickie brought the couch home and for the next couple of days heard some kind of meowing sound coming from it. Bitch probably thought her vag was rumbling again. Well, one night, her man, Chris Lund, was watching TV and felt something moving from inside. I would’ve slapped my ass lips thinking they were just acting up again, but Chris smartly pulled the sofa away from the wall. When he lifted it up, he found a hongray pussy inside!

Vickie immediately called the Value Village, but they had no idea who donated the couch. So Vickie took the stowaway pussy to the shelter she works at so that it could get its shit together and eat something. Vickie also contacted the local news and went on TV in hopes of finding the owner.

That shit worked, because Bob Killion claimed the pussy after one of his friend’s saw it on TV. Bob donated the sofa to Value Village the same day his cat Callie went missing. And all was well again! But I bet you Chris misses the built-in massager in the couch now that it’s gone.

And in the video below, the chihuahua at the 0:40 looks like he wants to crawl up into the couch and stay there for a long ass while. Bitch has got those “get me the fuck out of here” eyes.

Source

The Closing Act At My Funeral Will Be…..

This magical fairy right here! When I finally eat the death dick, look up Nicole Marie-Loretta Leonard in the directory of crazy, because this enchanting pixie needs to bring her brilliance to my funeral!

The 25-year-old pranced into the funeral of a man she didn’t even know in Laurens County, SC. Nicole took center stage in front of the service and proceeded to dance around while waving a magical wand over the casket. Tinkercrazy then opened the casket, touched the dead man and threw flowers at the audience. After her grand dance of the insane, Nicole fluttered away and flew off in a burgundy Toyota.

You know the audience gave her a standing ovation. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Even the dead man came back to life, clapped and then died again.

The cops pulled her over on a nearby highway and she admitted to everything she did back at the church. Nicole said she didn’t know anyone at the funeral, but “felt it was the right thing to do at the time.”

Tinkercrazy was charged with disorderly conduct and disrupting a funeral.

Seriously, even crazy ass OctoMommy wants to hug Tinkercrazy with a straitjacket and calmly tell her to stop listening to the Peter Pan voice inside her head. Whatever kind of kitchen-made bad shit she’s on, she needs to keep taking it.

By crashing one funeral at a time, Nicole Marie-Loretta Leonard is making the world a magical place.

Source

(Thanks Vinyl Villager)

This Bitch Is Not Lovin’ It

Picture this shit: You’ve just handed over your money for an extra-delicious 10-piece of Chicken McNuggets and you can’t wait to get those warm chunks of chicken-flavored rat meat down your froat. Your mouth is practically foaming and then…..the dumb bitch cashier at McDonald’s strolls up to tell you they are fucking out of deep-fried bits of heaven. So what do you do about it? Of course, you call fucking 911, because that shit is an emergency and a crime! That’s exactly what 22-year-old Latreasa Goodman of Florida did and the ho got a citation for it! Injustice!

The Smoking Gun reports that when Latreasa was told they were out, she asked for a refund and they refused. The cashier said all sales were final. Latreasa called 911 three times before their lazy asses finally showed up. When the cops informed Latreasa that her McNugget obsession wasn’t an emergency, she answered, “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency.”

From her mouth to my stomach. Damn fucking straight, McNuggets ARE an emergency of epic proportions. They should have called in the National Guard, the Airforce, Paula Deen, the A-Team, Charlie’s Angels, Chris Brown, Sharon Osbourne, the meerkats from Meerkat Kingdom and so on…. You don’t fuck with a bitch when it comes to McNuggets. The lying whore cashier should be charged with FRAUD! I’d gladly sit on the jury just so I could tell the ho she is guilty for lying about McNuggets.

P.S. – Latreasa’s beautiful mug shot is from a previous run-in with the cops. Doesn’t the bitch look like she’s serious about her McNuggets? McNuggets are not a joke.

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

If you ever find yourself about to have a Natty Ice party in Johnnie Ed Roberts’s pick-up truck, make sure you bring a case of Pampers, a roll of Brawny, some baby wipes or at least a Go Girl with you. This bitch is a pisser in every single way.

50-year-old Johnnie Boy was driving down the street in Fort Pierce, FL with a can of the always elegant Natty Ice in his hand and another one on top of his truck when he was pulled over. The fun was killed by THE MAN!

The police were alerted by a 911 caller who witnessed Johnnie’s truck doing the mambo all over the road. When the officer strolled up to Johnnie’s window, he noticed there was a piss pool in ole’ boys’ lap. When the officer ordered Johnnie out of the truck, bitch was a stumbling ass drunk. When asked to perform several sobreity tests, Johnnie, responded, “You a motherfucker and ain’t all that.”

And that’s the code phrase for a luxurious night in the click! Johnnie was immediately arrested. On the car ride to the jail house, Johnnie got pissed again. Literally. Right there in the car. When they finally got to the station, guess what happened? Johnnie went pee times all over himself yet again. Homeboy is giving Fuggie Fug a run for her money in the Pissy Pants Olympics.

Johnnie was charged with DUI and for saying “fuck no” to a breath test. Because when officers asked him to take blow into a breathalyzer, he sucked instead. That right there, is how it’s done. You know, so many drunk whores have blown into that shit that I’m sure there’s some booze up in there. Johnnie was sucking it out. Natty Ice makes your brains smart.

Let this be a warning to all you whores who like to enjoy the sophistication of a Naughty Ice while on the run. Bring your Go Girl along, because the piss will be a flowin’. And as my friend Yasmine pointed out, a Go Girl can also double as a portable beer bong! Perfection!

Source: TCPalm (Thanks Nacha)