A Problem Down Under

Remember that story from last year about that woman who refused to get off the toilet for months and her ass cheeks became one with the seat? Yeah, my nalgas still tremble when I think of that shit. Well, this story out of Australia is sort of like that, except this woman didn’t want to be stuck with her toilet like that.

A 67-year-old woman in Brisbane was doing her poopy business when she fell and got her ass wedged between the toilet and a door. Homegirl didn’t have one of those Life Alert things and she lives alone, so she was there for one full week. The woman was finally rescued when a neighbor heard her screeches for help and called the police.

The woman was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for dehydration and released. Now, I know you’re thinking that she could’ve just flushed and lapped from bowl, but police say that wasn’t possible. They said she “somehow became trapped with her feet stuck on either side of the toilet bowl and her body wedged against the inward-opening door.” That sounds like some Cirque de Toilet shit!

You know ole’ girl is never going into that bathroom again. Her soul demands that it’s off-limits. She’s going to be pissin’ in the kitchen sink and going doody in a bucket in the backyard! If she’s forced to go into that bathroom again, she’s going to bring a tub of Crisco, a fully charged cell phone and some Crystal Light with her. Because if you have to drink toilet water, you should at least flavor it.

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ASUUU MADREEE!!!!!

This is not one of my home movies, but I wish it was. This is a video of two gays in a slappity slap brawl that has been making the rounds for a couple of weeks. My ass only viewed this fuckery yesterday (Thanks, Hex!). There’s already remixes, so you know what to play at the bar this weekend.

This shit is entirely in Spanish, but cat fighting is an international language! If you can only watch a few seconds of this, skip to the 1:40 mark. Bitch gets checked! It’s the grand finale. Seriously, they both should have taken a bow at the end of this.

The Asuuuu Madreeee Gays and The Why Do You Ride Drunks from Ireland should take their acts on the road together.

From “The Fucked Up” News Desk

File this under: Why are humans the dominant species on earth?!

If this story isn’t a good reason to start drinking rubbing alcohol and vodka on a Saturday afternoon, then I don’t know what is….

At a park in Cambridge, Maryland on Monday, a bitch named Candy Michelle Vignari, gave birth to a baby girl….in a Port-A-Potty. Get ready to launch “Awww…Hell Naw” from the tip of your tongue, because it gets much worse. After the baby was born, Candy put her inside the caca-filled toilet, went outside and asked a construction worker for a cigarette. And we have lift-off!

The construction workers knew something in the milk wasn’t clean when they noticed Candy covered in blood and womb jelly. When one of the workers tried to go into the Port-A-Potty, Candy told them not to because there was a baby in there. The police were called.

One of the workers said, “Right as the cops had pulled up I had seen her go back into the port-a-potty real quick grabbed a towel at the time I didn’t know what it was and then she comes over to the cops and the cops grabbed the baby.”

Candy was arrested and charged with child abuse and reckless endangerment. The baby is currently in stable condition at a local hospital.

It’s too bad that the baby didn’t know what was about to go down, because she could’ve pulled out Candy’s uterus as she was sliding out so this fuckery doesn’t happen again! I mean, this was unnecessary! All Candy had to do was bring the baby out and scream, “BABEH 4 SALEZ.” Both St. Angelina Jolie and Vadge would’ve magically appeared with their checkbooks in hand.

Source (Thanks Tanya)

Assault With A Deadly Cheeto

40-year-old James Earl Taylor (Unfortunately, not that one) and his 44-year-old girlfriend Mary S. Childers were having a fight (probably about who was going to siphon gas from the neighbor’s pick-up so they could go to Wal-Mart) when they did the UNTHINKABLE! They threw Cheetos at each other! The Shelbyville Times Gazette in Tennessee says that the police were called, because abuse of Cheetos is a serious crime. However, I think the officer at the scene is guilty of the same crime…..

According to the police report, James Taylor and Mary got “involved in a verbal altercation at which time Cheetos potato chips were used in the assault.” Holy Cheesus! “Cheetos potato chips“?! Cheetos and potato chips hate each other! A Cheeto wouldn’t even let a potato chip lick its peen after a drunken night. That’s real hate.

The report went on to say, “There was evidence of the assault. However no physical marks on either party and the primary aggressor was unable to be determined.” Well, at least these two fucktards came to their senses by licking up the Cheeto dust left on their bodies. Never waste the Cheeto dust.

James Taylor and Mary were arrested and charged with domestic assault. They are due back in court on July 15th.

Expect Our Lady of Cheetos to be front row in the court room to speak for the innocent victim who doesn’t have a voice in any of this: CHEETOS. You don’t disrespect the Cheeto like that! The only time Brit Brit is okay with someone throwing Cheetos is if they are throwing them into her hole (you choose which one). Cheetos were made for love, not war!

(Thanks Stephanie)

An American Hero: Ariel Wade Is Fighting The Fight!

If Norma Rae had a pair of gorgeous eyebrows, traveled around town on a power chair, loved sparkly stickers and had a dozen empty White Castle containers under her bed, her name would be Ariel Wade! Ariel Wade of Minnesota is getting ready to rumble against White Castle for discriminating against her when she was just trying to buy some deliciousness!

It was just after midnight when Ariel zoomed on over to her local White Castle on her electric mobility scooter. Ariel wheeled on up to the drive-thru window, but they refused to serve her! They turned down a hongray disabled woman! And might I add, a hongray disabled woman with truly spectacular eyebrows!

The dumb whores at White Castle told Ariel that the window was only for people in cars. They made Ariel MADDER THAN FISH GREASE! Even though that makes zero sense to me, I’m still going to recycle that term as much as I can. I mean, fish grease has never looked “mad” to me. Lazy and a skeezy, maybe. But not MAD.

Ariel didn’t let White Castle get her down. She rolled on over to McDonald’s. They served her, but told her not go to through the drive-thru again.

When White Castle was contacted about the incident, they said that drive-thru is only for cars, because they don’t want pedestrians to get ran over. White Castle also apologized to Ariel and offered her free food, but she SHUT THEM DOWN. Yes, Ariel turned down free food. She really is madder than fish grease.

Ariel has hired a lawyer and will do whatever it takes to make sure every person in this country can get processed, greasy food no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. I will fight the fight with Ariel, because this is a cause that is near and dear to me. Everyone in America should be able to get their arteris clogged at all times.

I also need to echo the statement left by a YouTube commenter about Ariel: “I guess it’s debatable whether she is in the right in this case, but somehow the way she expresses herself about it just makes me love her. I’ll bet she has some drag queen friends.”

I bet she has chola drag queen friends. I think I love her too.

It’s That Good

Popeye’s is some good shit. You can’t lie. It makes people do wrong things for it. A young mother in Jacksonville, FL knows all about what kind of effed up crap a bitch will do for some deliciousness.

The young woman, we’ll call her Crystal, was closing up a Popeye’s with her boyfriend when a few dudes in a Pontiac started following their asses. Crystal had a box of chicken which made the men go crazy! Crystal says they started shouting at her, “GIVE US THE CHICKEN!” Aw. I remember in the old days when strange, creepy old men in cars would shout that at me when I was walking down the street. I’d just stick my ass out and pucker. But that’s not the kind of chicken they wanted from Crystal, they wanted her Popeye’s! Crystal wasn’t about to give that shit up, so she kept on walking.

After a few minutes, the dudes sped off. Crystal and her man kept on walking home thinking they were gone, but the dudes reappeared and this time they stepped their shit up. They pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot Crystal if she didn’t give up the chicken! Crystal’s boyfriend begged them not to shoot her ass, because she’s two months pregnant. Crystal and her boyfriend got on the floor and that’s when the poultry robbers stole her chicken and her purse. They only took her purse, because they probably thought she had some dirty rice and biscuits in there.

The police are currently looking for the chicken thieves.

The police of Jacksonville should really cruise over to West Palm Springs, FL to knock on the door of Latarian Milton. This story has “hood rat stuff all” over it. Latarian probably can drive like a pro by now and you know how he loves his chicken. He will beat his grandma over some chicken fingers, so I’m sure he would pistol whip a trick over some Popeye’s!

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