Wonder Wig!

Here’s some amazing news for Kim Zolciak, Brit Brit, Ty Ty Banks, Little Richard and every other be-wigged celebwhore. Wigs save lives! It’s a fact! BeWEAVE it! 20-year-old Briana Bond of Kansas City, MO is proof of this shit.

On Wednesday night, Briana was in a convenience store parking lot, being sexy hot, when a dude drove up and said her ex-boyfriend still loved her. Briana wasn’t hearing that shit and she replied, “Well I don’t love him.” When Briana looked back at the car, her crazy ex-boyfriend was in the passenger seat and he started shooting at her ass! And by her “ass,” I mean her prized wig! Briana felt one bullet hit her head. That motherfucker tried to kill her ass!

Briana hit the gas and busted out of that bitch! She drove into another parking lot and called the police. She checked her head and felt a little blood, but realized the bullet didn’t go through, because her fucking wig and its cap stopped it! Briana said, “I invested a lot of money into this wig, and it saved my life. I’ve got an angel.” Those are beautiful words. Truly. That quote should be printed on the tag of every wig, right under 100% polyester and Made in China.

Kim, Brit Brit and Little Richard better start praying to the wig angels every night to always be with them.

(Thanks Samara)

Threesome In A Publix Parking Lot

When I go to the grocery story, the sexiest thing I might see is a cross-eyed memaw “inspecting” a zucchini. I never see shit like the hot sex show that went down in the parking lot of a Publix grocery store in Cape Coral, FL.

Prudish bitches were shocked to see 51-year-old George Bartusek having a three-way sexy time session with two hot sluts. Well, I’m assuming they were hot since plastic usually gets kind of warm when you rub against it. Yeah, George was getting all horny with two blowup dolls. Hey, George was probably taught to always use a rubber!!!

One witness told NBC2 News, “As I walk by I saw this guy with two blowup dolls – kissing them and bouncing them and trying to get people’s attention.”

Dear witness, that is what romance looks like. Don’t hate on the love between a man and his beloved pool floaties. Love is blind…..and rubbery….and batshit crazy.

When the cops arrived, George told them he was visiting the shopping center to buy some clothes for his “girlfriends.” These things happens to people in love. George was trying to do everyday things, but he just can’t keep his shriveled peen out of his girlfriends’ DuPont-approved snatches. Especially when their rubber-coochies are just laying out there, wide open. SLUTS!

George was arrested for breach of peace and is currently being held on $6,500 bail. George shouldn’t trust his girlfriends. Those bitches will fucking talk. They can’t keep their huge mouths shut. Ever!

And the witness I quoted above is at the 0:23 mark in the video. That ho should understand the love between a bitch and an inanimate object. It’s obvious that she’s madly in love with her meth pipe. That being said, I want to do Jager shots off her body in a Publix parking lot. Bitch is the epitome of HOT.

Assault With A Deadly Taco

Gone are the days where you didn’t have to worry about going to jail if you threw a taco at a bitch’s face. The other day in Deltona, FL, this 19-year-old douchebag threw a taco at his mom’s face after she unplugged his Xbox. Yes, she got a face full of taco. It does sound like the plot of a sick ass porn movie.

Dena Moir told police that her son Zachary is a mega loser who doesn’t have a job and plays Xbox every single waking minute. When she called his ass down for dinner, he refused, so she went upstairs and fucked up his life by unplugging his Xbox. That’s when he followed her downstairs and bitch slapped her with a taco. Seriously, this sounds kind of sexy in a totally wrong way. Dena said, “I’ve been having trouble with him for awhile won’t work, wont’ go to school. He’s being rude and disrespectful. Pushing things to the limit as far as the violence. I’ve threatened to call police before. But anyway this time, I thought he went too far so I called police and he’s in jail now.”

Dena refuses to take his calls from jail and is trying to teach him a lesson. Damn. Bitch really didn’t like getting taco slapped. Can’t say I blame her. A couple of times in junior high school I experimented and let a bitch pound me in the mouth with her taco. I wanted to call 911 too.

And I hate to admit it, but even though Zach is a bag of dirty dildos, I’d still let him hit it with his taquito. As far as I know, he doesn’t have a taco. And if he does, he can hit it with that too.

There’s A Frozen Peen In The Sky!

Don’t you just love public humiliation when it doesn’t happen to you? It’s truly what makes the world go round.

This story about a bitch caught with his ski pants down comes to us from Vail, Colorado. The dude froze his ass off this past Friday when he was riding on a chairlift at a resort with his kid. The Smoking Gun says the lift’s seat wasn’t lowered, so the skier fell through a gap in the chair. Luckily for the dude, his ski got caught in the lift, saving him from falling into the snow. Actually, maybe it would have been less embarrassing for him if he fell and broke his arm or some shit, because while his body was stuck, his pants and chonies came down. And the world laughed while his peen tried to hold back the tears. It knew that if it cried, its mouth would freeze shut.

The accidental ski flasher hung (trust me, there’s no pun there) there for 15-minutes while waiting for help. Workers finally reversed the lift and got him out of the seat. It took 15-minutes because they were too busy cleaning the piss off their pants from laughing so hard.

Getting a case of frostbitten dick, nuts and nalgas might be worth it, because you know this bitch is going to sue the pants (GONG!) off of the bitch responsible for this

TSG has one more picture taken by a witness. I would so be that bitch who took pictures while that sad man dangled pantyless from the sky. Say “icicle dick!”

Thanks Mary

Memaw Jennifer Goes For The Nuts

There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what’s what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw “Jennifer” of Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid ass criminal broke into her house and threw her old ass onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge’s ball crushing vagina must be so proud.

Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn’t pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.

The punchline in this story is that the naked dude’s name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.

Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the “cunt” word in there somewhere. It’s the official curse word for hardcore memaws.

And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.

Thanks Hexie

Dear James Cialella, It’s Not That Serious!

I will admit that when I’m watching a movie in a theater and some dumb ass whore is yapping away like they are sitting in their damn living room, I think to myself, “Damn. I want to turn this straw into a shank and stab this bitch in the mouth!” Well, some dude in Philadelphia had even worse thoughts and carried that shit out!

29-year-old James Joseph Cialella was arrested after he shot a dude in the damn arm for running his mouth during a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button in Philadelphia on Christmas Day. I think James Joseph Cialella just became an honorary Brangaloonie for busting a bitch during Brad’s movie!

Police say that James asked a family sitting in front of him to shut their damn mouths during the movie. They didn’t stop, so he threw popcorn at their asses. When that didn’t shut their mouth holes, James got up and approached the family. James had words with the father, the argument got physical and that’s when he pulled out a gat and shot the man in his arm. After James put a bullet in the father’s arm, he sat back down and continued to watch the movie like nothing happened. The victim was taken to the hospital and James was arrested. He was charged with with attempted murder, aggravated assault and weapons violations.

DAMN! Hood rat stuff to the extreme. Over Benjamin Button? I mean, what the fuck? Maybe James has a strange fetish for Brad Pitt in old face. I could see beating a ho over Showgirls or Marley & Me (BURN!!!), but Benjamin Button?! I swear, some people should not be allowed to leave the comfort of their own padded room. James shouldn’t even be allowed to carry a watergun anymore. Talk about over-fucking-reacting.

This also serves as a warning to me, because I’m one of those bitches who tells whores to shut their fat lips during movies. I’ve been known to throw in a “Eat your tongue, cunt!” or “Shut the fuck up” to bitches who are ruining my theater going experience. The next time I do that shit, I could get shot in the arm! That must suck, laying there with a bleeding arm, thinking that the last thing you’ll ever see is Brad Pitt with pepaw face. Sad!

Source