New Year’s Eve Crumbs

Leonardo DiCatchAHo and the bushel of Rasputin crotch pubes on his face are spending New Year’s Eve in St. Barts. Something tells me that he’ll have to go to the ER tomorrow morning after half a dozen model coochies get tangled up in his beard – Lainey Gossip 

Does Kathie Lee Gifford have an alibi?! – Gawker

I am so disappointed in that flag pole for not breaking when it had the chance – Drunken Stepfather

In case you didn’t know, Michelle Duggar has a lesbian sister – Towleroad

St. Angie Jolie went on to say, “Well, what I mean is that there’s something greater than all of you peons and that something greater’s name rhymes with Tangelina Polie.” – Celebitchy

“What kind of Atkins products do you have?” – Teresa Giudice at the prison commissary – Reality Tea

Relive one of the 10 million times you saw Miley Cyrus’ chipmunk nips in 2014  – The Superficial

Emily Blunt’s scarf looked a lot better on the dining table in my mom’s timeshare in Hawaii – Popoholic

This is what it looked like after a magical fairy turned a charbroiled Slim Jim and a box of pinot into humans – Hollywood Tuna 

Looking good, Magda, looking good, but where’s Puffy? – WWTDD

More pictures from Tom Hardy in Burning Man Gone Wrong: The Movie – Pajiba

Here’s Jennifer Aniston in Cabo and it doesn’t feel the same without pictures of her sister in drunkery Chelsea Handler doing tequila shots out of her belly button – Popsugar

Lady CaCa might be engaged  – OMG Blog

Mimi took a nap in a car, but if you regularly read The New York Times I’m sure you already heard all about it since it’s the biggest news of the week, if not month – Jezebel

John Mayer’s dick of destruction destroyed Giada De Laurentiis’ marriage 4 years after the maybe fact – IDLYITW

Igloo Australia has TMJ, which may or may not explain her rap accent – Just Jared

Pic: Pacific Coast News

All Hail The Most Regal Dame Of Them All

Leave it to 2014 to wait until the very last second to push out the greatest and most important news of the year!

The impossible happened this morning. We all thought Joan Collins had already reached the highest point of class, but she went even higher this morning when THE QUEEN finally earned her salary by naming the most glamorous woman of all-time a Dame! Along with John Hurt, Kristin Scott Thomas, Emily Watson and hundreds of others, Joan Collins’ was on THE QUEEN’s annual New Year’s Honours list. BBC News says that Joan was honored for her contribution to the arts and for all the charity work she’s done, but we all know that she was really honored for her contribution to GLAMOUR. If it wasn’t for Alexis Carrington, the meaning of glamour would’ve died a long time ago. This morning, Dame Joan Collins took a little time out from eating her breakfast of diamonds and the souls of her rivals to tweet out this little thank you to her loyal subjects:

Beyond thrilled at the honour of being made a Dame in today's list. Heartfelt thanks 2 all who have sent such lovely messages @foreignoffice

— Joan Collins (@joancollinsobe) December 31, 2014

Joan will be officially honored in a ceremony at a later date. I hope Joan wears this when THE QUEEN honors her:

If THE QUEEN wants what’s really good for England, then during the ceremony, she will pull off her crown, bow down, raise it up to Dame Joan Collins and say, “Just call me regular old Lizzy from now on. You’re THE QUEEN that England needs and deserves!”

Edward Hermann Has Died

If that saying we always say when a famous person dies, “They die in threes,” is true, then Heaven’s newest 3 is Christine Cavanaugh, Luise Rainer and Edward Hermann. Everyone who watched and was all about The Gilmore Girls is going to pour out an extra one into their mouth holes tonight in honor Rory’s pepaw who died this morning at a hospital in New York. He was 71.

TMZ says that Edward has been battling brain cancer and was in ICU for over three weeks. His condition never got better, so his family made the decision to take him off the respirator this morning. He is survived by his wife of 22 years Star Hayner and his 3 kids.

Besides The Gilmore Girls, Edward Hermann was pretty much in EVERYTHING. He was in the original Great Gatsby movie, Harry’s War, Annie, The Purple Rose of Cairo and Richie Rich. He was the head vampire in The Lost Boys and he got 2 Emmy nominations for playing Franklin Roosevelt in 2 TV movies. He won an Emmy for a guest role in The Practice and won a Tony for Best Performance By A Featured Actor in a Play in 1976 for Mrs. Warren’s Profession. Lauren Graham said a few nice words about her TV dad on Twitter and Kelly Bishop, who played his wife Emily in The Gilmore Girls, released this statement:

We, the Gilmore Girls family, are so terribly sad and somewhat stunned. We only learned about his illness a week or so ago. I got a call from [Edward’s wife] Star Monday night asking if I wanted to come to the hospital to say good-bye. I went yesterday and was able to give Ed love from Lauren [Graham], Alexis [Bledel] and Amy [Sherman-Palladino]… I have so many fond memories of our time together on Gilmore Girls and since, mainly via email. I think everyone who knew or worked with Ed found him to be absolutely delightful… Everything looks a little dim, as if the lights went down.

If you’re an 80s ho like me, then you probably best know Edward Hermann as Goldie Hawn’s bimbo-loving, party hard husband in Overboard. Pour one out for Grant.

Rest in peace, Edward Hermann. You are now with the angels on a yacht and I’m sure one of them is named Tofutti Klein:

Open Post: Hosted By A Woman’s Gas Pump Struggle

One of the proudest and brightest moments of my year was when I was a little drunk (okay, a lotta drunk) and a little stoned (okay, a lotta stoned) and I went to take my dog to piss and caca downstairs. When I got back to my apartment door, I stuck the key in and the bitch didn’t work. I stuck it in again and wiggled it a bit. Nothing. (That’s the story of my life, by the way.) I did that a third time and when that didn’t work, I played with the knob before trying to push open the door. Still nothing. I started to think that in the 10 minutes I had been gone, someone broke into my apartment, changed the locks and was on the other side of the door, cackling at me while eating my goddamn Ben & Jerry’s. Just when I was about to scream for the police, I looked up at the door. Not only was I standing in front of the wrong apartment, but I was on the wrong floor. Sadly, that wasn’t the first time I’ve done that. Or the second. Or the third. It won’t be the last either. So I feel this messy woman’s struggle even though I had an excuse.

But really, that video is a visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just circling and circling, looking for a hole to stick the pump in? Or if you’re strictly a bottom, then you’re just circling and circling, look for a pump to stick in your hole. That video is all of us.

via Tastefully Offensive

Jennifer Aniston Wants You To Know That The Tabloids Are “B.S.”

Ah, “B.S.” – the first non-swear swear I ever worked into my regular rotation of playground insults as a kid. Nothing felt more satisfying than hissing “you’re full of B.S.” to a kid named Brandon who claimed he was related to Vanilla Ice. So, thank you, Jennifer Aniston, for that walk down memory lane.

E! says that during an upcoming interview with CBS Sunday Morning set to air January 4th (set your alarm clocks!) Jenny got to talking about tabloids, aka those paper things which her picture is always printed on paired with a headline about either babies or weddings or HEADED FOR SPLITSVILLE!!! or how much she hates St. Angie. Rachel Green admits the obvious – that they’re nothing but a steaming pile of LIES – and that she and her hot bulgy hipster fiance Justin Theroux don’t pay any attention to them:

“I think I used to really, there was a period where I was hell bent on saying, ‘That’s not true, that’s not right, that’s not fair.’ And now I just think you have to let it roll off your back and you realize, I think everyone knows it’s all B.S. and like a soap opera on paper. The main thing is to try to just keep refocusing back on what you know is true and what makes you guys happy. We know what our truth is. That’s all just static.”

What? You mean all those stories about Miley Cyrus marrying Bat Boy and Khloe Kardashian being knocked up with a litter of wookieelings aren’t true? NO! I refuse to believe it. My blind faith in tabloid journalism is all I have. Besides, how else am I supposed to pass the time while waiting in line at Loblaws to buy my weekly basket full of No Name Diet Cola? I need to know how much Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie still hate each other according to an anonymous source!

Pic: CBS Sunday Morning

Jamie Lynn Spears Pulled Out A Big Knife During A Brawl At The Pita Pit

2014 just keeps farting up the surprises up until the last hours of its life. Who knew that Jamie Lynn Spears would quickly become my new favorite Spears? (FYI: Bit Bit Spears used to be my favorite Spears.)

TMZ says that last weekend the Queen of the Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, and a girlfriend went to a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana for some late-night eats. Up until I read this story, I had no idea what a Pita Pit was. It sounds like the nickname for a medical condition you get when you don’t bathe and your armpit sweat turns into cream. But Pita Pit is like the Subway of pitas.

Jamie Lynn just wanted to enjoy her pita, but her time with her pita was cut short when another girl allegedly attacked her friend for whatever reason. The police tell TMZ that the fight got extra messy when the girl hit Jamie Lynn’s friend with a bottle. Little ole’ Jamie Lynn didn’t waste any time and knew that you should always bring a knife to a pita fight. So she grabbed her fallen friend, dragged the girl behind the counter, found a bread knife and started waving it around. It was like a scene out of a hillbilly Kill Bill. Everyone quickly realized that you should never ever get between a Spears and her eats, so they turned off the fuckery and the fight was over.

The police showed up, but no one was put into handcuffs, because Jamie Lynn’s friend didn’t want to press charges.

That is the sign of a true friend who is always down for you. The next time you meet a trick whom you think could be a possible friend, ask them just one very important question: “If a fight breaks out at the Pita Pit and some piece of trash knocks me in the head with a bottle, will you drag me to safety, get a hold of a long knife and threaten to slice those hos like a toasted pita if they don’t stop?” That’s the only question you need to ask.

The only thing this story is missing is VIDEO! I am highly disappointed with everybody who was at the Pita Pita that night. Not one of them pulled out their cell phone and recorded that mess of a fight in portrait mode while screaming “WORLDSTAR!” For shame.

And here’s a picture that Jamie Lynn Instagrammed hours before the Battle at Pita Pit of 2014:

Behind that sweet face is a true Pita Pit Warrior!