Bend That Pole, Hugh, Bend That Pole

Hugh JackMeOff wasn’t going to let puny ass Nick Jonas be the only trick showing his muscle-wrapped muscles off today, so he tweeted this picture of his skin screeching for dear life as it tries to hold in his bulging veins while he lifts a bunch of oversized checkers (or whatever those things are) at a gym in NYC. Once Hugh dropped the bar and re-attached his arms to his shoulders, he tweeted the note, “If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin.” That’s one of my mottos too! My other motto is, “If my guts ain’t bustin’, you ain’t a thrustin.”

There’s so much going on in this picture and I have a lot of questions. Who is that silver fox in the mirror? Is that Anderson Cooper sitting on a Sybian or is it Bob Tuschman? Does it looks like his peen is resting its head on that bar while his other muscles scream for mercy? Wouldn’t that extra chunky belt look better with a thin summer sweater and leggings? And are you making the same face Hugh is making when you look at those horrific ass glove shoes?! I don’t care if they serve a purpose. If you really don’t want Quentin Tarantino to flirt with your feet, put those dark-sided things on. Nobody will want to fuck your feet if you wear those. They’re like stained granny panties for your feet.

And about Hugh’s face…..

He looks like a bearded cherry tomato. Now we know what Hugh’s face looks like when he prolapses while suffering from a severe case of the hard shits and we also know what his face looks like the moment he realizes that getting DP’d isn’t really for him.

And I was joking when I said that nobody wants to hump Hugh’s feet in those glove shoes. I’d totally do Hugh’s feet, fugly ass glove shoes and all.

The Instagram Filter Awards: Nick Jonas Goes Shirtless

I thought Nick Jonas was the scrawny Jonas who’s built like a premature baby bird and didn’t have the ability to grow actual hair below his neck. But some fucked up shit happened when I wasn’t paying attention to Nick Jonas. Nick Jonas somehow got muscles under his skin and he now has hair on his nipples. Scientists and doctors say that you age about 10 years when you find out that a Jonas Brother can grow hair on his nipples. I mean, Kevin Jonas jacked into a turkey baster and has is having a baby, Joe Jonas was in a fake dildo-filled sex tape that probably doesn’t exist and now Nick Jonas looks like this. What is going on?!

21-year-old Nick Instagrammed this picture of his happy trail and added the note, “I never do this but…” Usually when a ho says, “I never do this,” they mean they do it all the time. They just don’t put it on Instagram on all the time. Nick Jonas’ guest room is totally wallpapered with shirtless pictures of himself. But I can’t hate, because I’d probably do the same thing if I lifted more than a spoonful of cream cheese frosting into my mouth and had at least one muscle on my arm.

My favorite thing is the filter, though. It makes him look like a colored pencil drawing. This is something Papa Joe Simpson would airbrush onto the side of his love van.

Work it, Nick Jonas. Work it like you’re in a Sean Cody test shoot and your first student loan bill was due last week.

Afternoon Crumbs

Before showing up to The CW’s Summer TCA Party yesterday, Tyra Banks was attacked by a mob of rabid pigeons and dragged through a tornado by two slobbery hyenas before falling against an electric fence, and her lace front STILL stayed on her head. Give that bitch another Wig Game gold medal. – Hollywood Tuna

I’m all for staged photo-ops starring Taylor Lautner and his newbie beard, but I’m not for those fug sandal boot things on her feet (UPDATE: It’s a brace. I’m a mess.) – Lainey Gossip

Lucky Magazine would’ve gotten a more fascinating interview if they talked to a soggy paper cup full of melted vanilla frozen yogurt instead – Celebitchy

Hold your wig, Grumpy Cat, because here comes Grump Trout – The Superficial 

Jesus, I thought that Glenn Beck moon was an unremarkable anus and yes, I know what I did there – Towleroad

Bikini model Chrissy Teigen is in a bikini and is modeling it – Drunken Stepfather

The Making of a Mermaid looks exactly like the Making of Courtney Stodden – The Berry 

Did Kat Dennings use hazelnut butter as eyeshadow? – IDLYITW

Gretchen Rossi’s love song to Slade Smiley is so beautiful that it makes me want to shit out pieces of my heart and then plug my ears with those shit-covered pieces – Reality Tea

This is what Anne Hathaway looks like after she works out – Popoholic

And isn’t kale supposedly a pregnancy superfood?!!!! The plot thins! – ICYDK

Wonky McValtrex brought 19 suitcases to Ibiza, but in her defense only 2 pairs of her clown shoes fit in one suitcase and Valtrex pills are really, really fat – HuffPo

Kate Upton’s dress is confusing – Just Jared

Some dude from Vampire Diaries is getting a divorce – SOW

FYI: Austin from the new 90210 doesn’t wax his ass – (NSFWish) OMG Blog

Oh sure, women get tickets when they take their tops off in public, but nobody does shit when a douche fetus goes topless – Moe Jackson 

And when RuPaul sashayed into Fergie’s baby shower, her baby jumped out of her twat to bow before his pink suit – Crunk + Disorderly

I love that Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen’s kids are giving us some Anne of Green Gables while sitting on a yacht – Popsugar

If Village of the Damned took place in Bushwick – I’m Not Obsessed

Open Post: Hosted By Another Loving Moment Between Kristen Stewart And A Pap

And here’s another chapter in the never-ending series titled, Kristen Stewart And The Paparazzi: A Love Story.

The human ball of sunshine wrapped in rainbows was trying to come out of her house of an alley with her PUPPPAY!!! friend when a paparazzo refused to back up. What happens is so touching and so romantic that I expected to hear the theme song from Romeo & Juliet play in the background. It’s just like that balcony scene in Romeo & Juliet, but instead of Juliet saying, “This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath,” she says, “You’re a piece of shit and don’t deserve to breathe the same air as me.” And instead of Romeo saying, “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks,” he says, “Are we gonna watch a movie, doe?”

After this moment of romance, they held hands, skipped through the park and stopped in front of a tree to carve their initials into it.

via ONTD

Eileen Brennan Has Died

The world deflates a little every time we lose someone from Clue. The Hollywood Reporter says that Eileen Brennan floated off to the little girl’s room in the sky on Sunday. Eileen’s publicist said that she died of bladder cancer at her home in Burbank. Eileen was 80.

Eileen Brennan (born name: Verla Eileen Regina Brennen) was in The Sting, Murder by Death, White Palace, The Last Picture and she got an Oscar nomination for playing the hot, not-the-one drill captain Doreen Lewis in Private Benjamin. Eileen played Captain Doreen Lewis again in the Private Benjamin TV show starring Lorna Patterson. The show only lasted a couple of seasons, but Eileen got an Emmy out of it.

But Eileen Brennan will always be Mrs. Peacock to me and when they remake Clue in heaven, she’ll get to slap the skin off of a trick for a change (and hopefully that trick’s Mr. Green).

Rest in peace, Mrs. Peacock.

Princess Diana Is On The Cover Of Vanity Fair

Because there’s no more NEVER BEFORE SEEN naked pictures of Marilyn Monroe to publish and Rolling Stone stole their Boston Bomber idea, Vanity Fair put the late Princess Diana on the cover of their September issue.

The title of Vanity Fair’s Princess Di piece is, “The Grandmother Prince George Never Knew,” and surprisingly it’s not a fictional story about what kind of memaw she would’ve been. (Newsweek is probably going to do that as a follow-up to their Zombie Princess Diana cover.) VF’s cover story is all about how surgeon Hasnat Khan was the true love of her life and blah blah blah blah blah… VF is covering Princess Di’s relationship with Hasnat Khan, because that movie, starring Naomi Watts, about her life with him comes out in the UK next month.

Some think this is tacky, but I’d rather have a Princess Di cover than a GOOP cover. Lainey says that Vanity Fair wanted to do a cover story about Goopy Paltrow, but she refused to speak to them and pose for them. Nothing is more perfect than a picture of Goopy’s face under the word VANITY, but she doesn’t agree. Apparently, she thinks the magazine is “off-brand” for her now. Goopy is right. I once saw a woman in Tory Burch loafers reading Vanity Fair while sitting in coach (NOT EVEN COACH PLUS!) on a JetBlue flight to Long Beach. Us regulars don’t deserve to read the platinum-covered words of GOOPY! So congrats to us for not getting another cover with Goopy’s face on it and congrats to Vanity Fair for not fitting with Goopy’s brand! (“Michael, you dumb bitch, if Goopy was on the cover of VF, you would’ve gotten a minimum of 18 posts out of it.” – you “I hate the truth.” – me)