In about six months, somebody other than Ryan Seacrest will call Simon Cowell “daddy.” That’s what UsWeekly and The Daily Mail say, anyway. UsWeekly’s source says that somebody let Simon Cowell’s bitchy jizz fishes swim up into her ovaries and that somebody is the wife of his (former?) best friend, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman. ESCANDALO! Paula Abdul just fell the fuck out of her bed. Although, Paula falling out of her bed is totally unrelated to Simon making a baby, because that’s how she gets out of bed every morning.
Lauren Silverman, the New York socialite type who’s carrying the spawn of Cowell, is still married to Andrew Silverman, but their marriage has been circling the toilet hole for a while and they’ve been in the process of legally quitting each other for good. As 36-year-old Lauren’s marriage was slowly dying, 52-year-old Simon gave her a caring dick to cry on, sit on, etc… etc.. UsWeekly’s source says that the fetus in Lauren’s womb is about 10 weeks old and she’s planning to leave Andrew for good to be with Simon. The Daily Mail’s source says that Lauren and Simon have been bumping tits for about a year and she wants to marry his ass:
“Lauren loves Simon, she says that she wants to marry him. And with the baby, she’s going the right way about it! But I think this could be really good for Simon.”
Simon broke off his engagement to that Mezhgan Hussainy woman over a year ago.
But Simon making an actual human baby? George Clooney is going to get a reverse vastectomy before getting another vastectomy to make sure that not one drop of his baby making milk makes it into his semen. What a mess. I’m sure Simon was just being a true friend to Andrew when he humped his wife. Simon only barebacked boned Lauren so he could critique her sex skills and it was obviously a yes from him.
And before Simon Jr. comes into the world, Simon should really shave the fur off of his luscious bear claw chichis, because his baby could choke on a wad of hair while breastfeeding. That’s a safety hazard.
Here’s Simon and Lauren in London together last March.