The entire marketing department at Subway is melting in their office chairs this morning, because their slogan “Eat Fresh” has a new NOT RIGHT meaning and has careened into dark places of NO.
FOX59 says that at around 6:30 this morning, the Zionsville, Indiana home of fatty turned $5 foot-long pusher Jared Fogle was raided by the feds in an ongoing child porn investigation. Reporters at Subway Jared’s house say that an evidence truck is parked in his driveway and both the Indiana State Police and FBI investigators are at the scene. It’s Pat’s creepy-looking nephew hasn’t been charged with anything and the feds are still searching his house. Back in college, Jared ran a black market porn lending service out of his dorm room, so the feds could be spending a whole lot of time with his hard drives.
The raid on the house that $5 foot longs built could be part of a long-term child porn investigation. In April, Russell Taylor, the former director of The Jared Fogle Foundation (an anti-obese kids charity started by Subway Jared), was put into handcuffs for possessing and producing child porn. Investigators found more than 500 dark-sided videos and pictures in his house. Russell Taylor was dropped by The Jared Fogle Foundation immediately after he was arrested. Russell Taylor tried to kill himself in jail and he was put on life support.
In possibly related news, reporters at the scene say that tricky bitch Ronald McDonald and shifty brat Wendy were seen tip-toeing out of the backdoor of Subway Jared’s house while giggling and high-fiving each other.
And well, if Subway drops Jared, I’m sure he can get a job in Mike Huckabee’s campaign or as Josh Duggar’s cook.
Well, close up the polls, cancel election day and send everyone home, because what’s the point of voting now that benevolent high priestess of the universe Dame St. Angie Jolie has told Vanity Fair that in addition to saving the world, keeping the busted wig industry alive, training her child army for their eventual takeover of the planet and making room in her trophy vault for dozens of Best Director Oscar statues, she may cause the collapse of democracy by getting into the politics game. St. Angie running for political office would cause the death of democracy, because every single candidate would drop out and when we’d go to vote, the only category on the ballot would be for Dictator of YOUR LIFE and the only voting option would be Dame St. Angie Jolie. You’d have to vote in blood, of course.
During an interview about Unbroken, Vanity Fair’s Janine di Giovanni asked St. Angie if she’s interested in being a politician one day. The former president of the International Home Wreckers League tells Vanity Fair that she isn’t totally shitting on the idea of running for office:
“When you work as a humanitarian, you are conscious that politics have to be considered,” she tells di Giovanni. “Because if you really want to make an extreme change, then you have a responsibility.” Jolie then catches herself. “But I honestly don’t know in what role I would be more useful—I am conscious of what I do for a living, and that [could] make it less possible.”
In di Giovanni’s last meeting with Jolie, however, Jolie’s opinion seems to have shifted. When directly asked if she sees herself pursuing a life in politics, diplomacy, or public service, Jolie says, “I am open.”
“I am open” is the only thing every politician and wannabe politician needed to hear. George Clooney just divorced Amal Clooney, because his political dreams are over now that St. Angie is “open” to running and he doesn’t need the picture perfect politician’s wife anymore. Hillary Clinton just shredded the presidential acceptance speech she’s had on file for years and is going to make her way to Scrunchies ‘R Us to ask for an application. Chris Christie just resigned and got a job working in a bridge toll booth.
And everyone’s moving out of the White House to make way for President Dame St. Angie Jolie and her family. But Joe Biden can stay, because First Husband Brad Pitt needs a tokin’ partner.
Okay, so I can stop sending hate mail to “St. Angie, c/o God, Heaven, 051322″ (Yes, Heaven’s zip code is Bea Arthur’s born day and that’s no coincidence) for not inviting her brother and the human equivalent of STAINS, James Haven, to her wedding, because it turns out he was at her wedding and sat in the front row. Earth, that’s your cue to start spinning again.
When E! News squirted out details of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding in France, they said that mutated white dog turd Jon Voight wasn’t there, because he wasn’t invited, but they didn’t say anything about James Haven. But this morning, Lainey posted scans from Brangie’s wedding spread in Hello! and there was the bulgey-eyed distinguished salamander standing in the front row and looking off into the distance, because he knew that if he laid his Slinky Dink eyes on St. Angie, he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to suck the bride’s face and he wanted to save that move for when they danced to the “Flowers In The Attic” theme song during the reception.
E! claims that Shiloh and the boys of the Child Army wore cream linen suits and I knew that had to be wrong, because the child army would never dress like a Southern grandpa going to Easter service. Instead, they dressed up like a cross between Justin Timberlake during his copy + paste Robin Thicke phase and Amish businessmen.
And here’s a pic of Maddox and Shiloh getting the giggles during the ceremony.
They’re either laughing because they know their parents are about to bring the grossness by doing kissing stuff or they got contact stoned from standing so close to Brad Pitt. Or Maddox is laughing because he just looked at his mom’s mess of a dress and spotted the doodle he drew of a single tear falling into a bowl of cake batter (a wink to his former arch rival Aniston).
And here’s Brad giving you Weekend At Bernie’s chic while leaving a hotel in NYC on Sunday.
Well, I guess today is as good a day as any to see a naked Chelsea Handler looking like she just peeled her hungover, stinky ass off of the floor after discovering that the trick she met at the bar and snuck into the locker room of her gym to drunkenly fuck stole her clothes and purse as she lay passed out. Yesterday, Chelsea Handler threw a picture on Instagram of her waiting to shoot another “shower scene” for one of her final shows. Thank you for this gift, Chelsea. It feels nice knowing what you look like when you’re suffering from the hard shits while sitting naked on the toilet.
Chelsea seems to think that Instagramming her naked body makes her a Kardashian. She added the note: “I’m a Kardashian.”
Chelsea has forever lived in the whore house (read: E!’s headquarters) that the Kardashians practically built by whoring, so if anyone should know Kardashian shit, it’s her. That picture is the opposite of Kardashian shit. If Chelsea really wanted to Kardashian-ize it, she needed to Photoshop about 20 inches off of her waist, slather wax all over her skin, put on 40 pounds of makeup, throw a wave effect on the edge of that towel and make duck lips with her mouth so her lips look like two overfilled anal glands itching to be popped. If she did all of that, then she can say she’s a Kardashian.
And more importantly, where is her nipple?! Is she wearing a pasty? Or maybe, since Chelsea is friends with every white actress in Hollywood, she was out partying with Sarah Jessica Parker and dared SJP to do a tequila shot off of her nipple. SJP got a little excited while doing so and sort of kind of chewed off Chelsea’s nipple with her horse veneers and accidentally swallowed it. SJP will pass it soon. No big deal.
Rapper Christ Bearer, Who’s Affiliated With Wu-Tang Clan, Cut Off His Peen Before Jumping Off Of A Balcony
And now here’s a giant side of WTF and a giant side of SAD to go with your lunch, which I’m hoping isn’t a kielbasa sandwich….
TMZ says that Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Christ Bearer (government name: Andre Johnson) was taken to Cedars-Sinai in L.A. early this morning after he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and jumped off of a second story balcony in North Hollywood. The cops are treating it as a suicide attempt. A police source told TMZ that after someone called 911, they showed up to the apartment building and found Andre lying on the sidewalk in a bad way. Andre is currently laid up in the hospital in critical condition. TMZ also let it be know that the status of his peen is not known at this time.
Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar, which was discovered by RZA in 1998, and is also in other Wu Tang-affiliated groups. Members of one of the groups tell TMZ that they live in the same building as Christ Bearer. They say that out of nowhere, Christ Bearer cut off his dick and then jumped off of the balcony without warning. They say that he wasn’t on any kind of drugs that would cause him to do that and by the time they got downstairs he was running around screaming incoherently.
Yes, my brain is still shivering with the WHATTHEFUCKS and I do not appreciate your Johnson jokes at this time. I hardly leave my house, but when I do I always wish that a dick will fall on my head. I’m not going to make that wish anymore.
Fred Phelps is dead, there’s a Bea Arthur iPhone game, the world has been gifted with a boy pussy anthem and Hollywood is making a Jem and the Holograms movie! It’s not only the first day of Spring and International Day of Happiness, it’s also International Gay Day!
I don’t know how I’m typing this, because as soon as I read the headline, “Jon M. Chu is Directing a Jem and the Holograms Film,” I burst into a cloud of star-shaped pink glitter. The day every child of the 80s has been waiting for ever since Jem and the Holograms (and more importantly, my hot bitch idols The Misfits) disappeared off of our TV screens in 1988 has FINALLY arrived. In an announcement that is the video equivalent of God saying, “See, I answer your prayers sometimes,” director Jon M. Chu and producers Jason Blum and Scooter Braun say that they’re making a Jem movie and are asking fans for creative ideas. I hate Scooter Braun for helping to create the urethra plug known as Justin Bieber, but I hate him a little less today. Scooter Braun has somewhat atoned for his sins by trying to make this happen (but he’ll probably fuck it up):
I have 2 issues with this:
1. Jon M. Chu directed G.I. Joe: Retaliation and anybody who rented that mess on VOD and ten minutes in thought to themselves, “I should’ve spent that money on Monster Tacos from Jack in the Box instead,” knows how that turned out.
2. They are moving it to modern day. How can they take what is arguably the Hope Diamond of the 80s and 2014-ize it? Does my soul really want to be exposed to a Jem movie where all the songs are EDM, she communicates with Synergy through FaceTime and her pink star earring is an iEarring by Apple? A Jem movie NEEDS to be made, so I will deal with it.
My dream cast is obvious (Stacey Q in practically every role), so here’s my nightmare cast, which will probably end up being the real cast since Scooter Braun is involved:
Jem / Jerrica Benton – Ke$hit
Kimber Benton – Taylor Swift
Aja Leith – In the cartoon she’s Asian, which means they’ll cast Katy Perry
Shana Elmsford – In the cartoon she’s black, which means they’ll cast Miley Cyrus
Carmen “Raya” Alonso – Selena Gomez
Pizzazz – Emma Roberts
Roxy – Vanessa Hudgens
Stormer – Lorde
Jetta – Jessie J
Synergy – A hologram based on Katherine Heigl and voiced by Goopy Paltrow
But whatever, I’m still going to celebrate with a song!