But What About James Haven????!???

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!

Jon later told TMZ that he’s not farting out a stream of sadness over not getting invited, because he wouldn’t have been able to go anyway. Jon had to go to the Emmys on Monday because he was nominated for Ray Donovan. You know your daddy hates you when he’d rather go to some boring ass award show and sit with a bunch of assholes (although, he’s the asshole of assholes) than go to your wedding. So much for those two “making amends” a few years ago.

E! has a few more details about the wedding that Jon wasn’t invited to. St. Angie wore a “very traditional, plain white floor length antique lace and silk” dress with a veil. Brad Pitt “gasped” when he lifted her veil, because he was so STUNNED by her beauty and mostly because she really dressed up for the occasion by bedazzling her forehead vein. Brad and the boys wore cream linen suits and the girls wore outfits they chose. They got married in a chapel on their gigantic, ridiculous estate. After the ceremony, they went back to their house Chateau Miraval and ate ham and cheese and three different cakes (“one was a strawberry ice cream one, another was a three chocolate gateau and a third had fresh cream and raspberries.”) At the end of the night, Brad was found under a table, finishing off the cakes after he kind of sort of smoked up Angie’s bouquet.

The source says that only 22 people were invited and most of them were Brad’s family. His mom, his dad, his brother Doug, his sister Julie and their kids were all there. I scanned E!’s article while mumbling to myself, “Please tell me James Haven was there, please tell me James Haven as there.” But the source never ever mentions James Haven.

May a trap door open beneath me and send me straight to the bowels of HELL for saying this, but St. Angie Jolie is an evil bitch with a hollow soul if she didn’t invite her brother. How can St. Angie get married without James Haven sitting in the front row while gently caressing her fat lips with these soul-burning “STAINS on meth” eyes of his.


It really isn’t an Angelina Jolie wedding if James Haven doesn’t get up, stand in line behind the groom and say, “I’m next,” after the officiant says, “You may now kiss the bride.”

Here’s newlywed Brad wearing his wedding band while looking like a white Benicio del Toro at the UK photocall for Fury today.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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