Let’s Cancel Christmas, Santa Got Shot With A Pellet Gun!

“This is why we can’t have nice things” has been said a billion times before and it’ll be said a billion times after this, but it is meaningless unless you’re saying it about this tragic holiday story from ABC 7 in Washington, DC.

At the Berry Farms gift giveaway in Southeast DC this morning, Santy Claus was strolling around, spreading some Christmas cheer and saying ho ho ho to all the little kids when some evil, holiday-hating heathen cunt really declared war on Christmas by shooting him in the back with a pellet gun. If for you, seeing a video of Santa getting shot in the back with a pellet is like guzzling down a cup of eggnog with a giant turd in it, then don’t watch the video above. Seeing Santa get shot puts a thick layer of sadness on your Christmas spirit.

The ABC 7 reporter who was there at the time says that the pellet got stuck in Santa’s shoulder and he had to be taken to the hospital. Police believe that the evil whore shot at Santa from a second story window. Santa later told ABC 7 that he’s glad he’s the only one who got shot and he’s going to be fine. The Grinch stepped in at the last minute and continued handing out toys to the kids.

The police don’t have a suspect yet. You already know what I’m going to say about that, so I’m just going to leave this here:

Oh, It’s Just Peter Dinklage Hula-Hooping In A Gay Bar In Canada

Sometimes the Internet spoon-feeds you something that you didn’t know your soul needed, but when you see it you know that your soul definitely needed it. That’s what this picture of Peter Dinklage working a light-up rainbow hula hoop on the dance floor in a Canadian gay bar is. It is the cure for the common EVERYTHING. Put your forehead on that picture and let it rebuke all the demons and ailments out of your body. C.S. Lewis had it all wrong. When you pass through the wardrobe in your spare room, you don’t end up in Narnia. You end up in a gay club in Canada where Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey are hula-hooping on the dance floor. Wait, maybe that’s not a hula-hoop. Maybe a rainbow ring just naturally forms around Peter Dinklage when he sways his hips.

Radar posted a video of this magical event back in May, so I’m wondering why I haven’t seen this before and why hasn’t this been the top story on CNN for 3 straight months?

via Buzzfeed

Presenting The Ho Stroll’s Newest And Greatest IT Couple

Correction! That title should read: Presenting THE WORLD’S Newest and Greatest IT Couple, because all those low-level couples in Hollywood and beyond cannot compete with the star power of Chicken Cutlets and her new piece.

Yesterday, the lunch special at Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills was saffron-dusted Chicken Cutlets with a side of salchicha and a glorious unibrow, because international supermodel and professional street poser Phoebe Price ate with her new boyfriend Ojani Noa. OhHoney No is famous for being JLo’s first husband (or is JLo famous for being OhHoney No’s first wife?) and over three years ago he tried and failed to make a mockumentary about his marriage to her. But all that’s behind OhHoney No and he has traded in the title of “JLo’s first husband” for a more prestigious and important title: Phoebe Price’s newest boyfriend!

Brad and Angelina and Beyonce and Jay Z can all exit stage left, because a true power couple has arrived. When they’re not posing in an EXCLUSIVE couples photo shoot for the PennySaver’s society section, they’ll be holding court at The Weed (The Ivy’s stepchild restaurant in Van Nuys).

FINALLY, after decades of waiting, we have a new Lucy and Ricky!

Pics: Splash

A Taylor Swift Impersonator Got Her Ass Whooped For Looking Like Taylor Swift

I guess having blond hair and bangs makes you a Taylor Swift impersonator, because 18-year-old British college student Xenna Kristian, who doesn’t look like Taylor Swift, earns a few coins by working as a Taylor Swift impersonator. But the life of a Taylor Swift impersonator isn’t easy and it’s about as dangerous as being an outcast chola. Hating bitches will drag you by the hair and beat your ass.

Xenna Kristian tells the Daily Mail (via Buzzfeed) that many people have told her that she looks like Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms, so she decided to make a little money from it. Xenna works as a Swifty look-alike at corporate events, private privates and charity function. Xenna didn’t say exactly what she does at those parties. I don’t know if she sings, lip-synchs, hits on all the barely legal white boys in the room or just annoys the ever-loving shit out of everyone the same way the real Swifty does. Well, whatever the case may be, Xenna is making money as a Taylor Swift impersonator and some haters don’t like it.

Xenna says that a few of her fellow classmates are jealous of her Taylor Swift-like beauty and one of them beat her up because of it. Xenna was sitting in class at Walford & North Shropshire College when out of nowhere, a girl pulled her out of her chair by the hair and kicked the shit out of her.

Her friends eventually stopped the fight and the beat down left her with a bruised face and possibly a broken jaw. Xenna told the police about it and says that her hater is obviously jealous of her.

“I never expected anything like this to happen. It’s not nice to see people being nasty about you. Since I started being a lookalike people have been saying stuff. They must be jealous that I’m going off to do something with my life. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I still feel shaken up.”

With her mother sitting next to her, Xenna talked about the beat down on camera:

Xenna was forced to cancel three bookings and if her jaw is broken, she’ll be out of the look-alike game for three months.

I blame Taylor Swift for this. Like most things in life, this is all Taylor Swift’s fault. If Taylor Swift never got famous, this girl would never be able to work as a Taylor Swift look-alike and she would’ve never gotten her ass beat. Taylor should support this girl by almost breaking her own jaw so Xenna can continue to work. It’s the least she can do.

But seriously, this is all going to make much more sense when we find out that the asshole who beat up Xenna is a Justin Bieber impersonator.

One Of The Crazies Behind Amy’s Bakery Might Be Kicked Out Of The U.S.

Scottsdale, Arizona is about to lose its title as the customer service capital of the world, because one of the reigning kings of customer service, Samy Bouzaglo of Amy’s Baking Company, might be sent back to his homeland. The U.S. Immigration Department might say the same shit to Samy that Crazy Amy said to a prospective customer: WE DON’T LET SLUTTY BITCHES LIKE YOU HERE!

AZ Central says that Samy, who screamed his way into America’s hearts on the already legendary episode of Kitchen Nightmares, was at a hearing in court yesterday for his ongoing immigration case that was opened 2 years ago. Samy is in danger of being thrown out of the country and sent back to Israel, because he never told immigration about how he spent time in prison for selling drugs and extorting people before he came to the U.S. 13 years ago. If you live in France or Germany, you can smile an extra smile today, because Samy can’t legally enter your country, because he’s banned there.

AZ Central was able to get Samy on the phone to talk about this latest mess in his mess of a life and they said that as he was talking, Crazy Amy kept screaming over him and the two fought a lot. But Samy was able to spit this out:

“The FBI knows all about me…. The IRS knows. I want people to know about me. But not today, not tomorrow. I have nothing to hide.”

Are we sure those words that came out of Samy’s crazy hole and not the lyrics to Lauryn Hill’s next single?

Click here if you need to see a video of Samy acting crazy when a reporter from AZ Central asked him about getting kicked out of the country.

Yesterday, Samy and Crazy Amy (born name: Crazy Amanda) re-opened Amy’s Baking Company and they said they had over 1,500 reservations for the week, but barely anybody showed up. Their re-opening was a flop and the people that did show up (to see Crazy Amy’s “lion on meth” crazy eyes in person) were turned away for not having a reservation. And then, Samy and Crazy Amy released this “press release” before their re-opening:

SCOTTSDALE, AZ. MAY 15, 2013 — Amy’s Baking Company will host a Grand Re-Opening on Tuesday night, May 21, following unflattering portrayals on national television.

Customers will be able to decide who is correct: a famous celebrity chef or the marketplace that has supported the small, locally-owned business for six years.

When re-opened, a portion of proceeds will benefit a charity organized to bring awareness to cyber bullying.

CYBER BULLYING! For being dumb bitches, they really are a couple of crazy geniuses.

In Case You Need More Proof That Taylor Swift Hates Justin Bieber

Taylor Swift displayed her hate for all things Justin Bieber when she did the international sign for “EWWW! Bieber cooties!” by sticking her tongue out while watching him kiss on Selena Gomez. Then later on while talking to the press, Taylor continued to display her hate for all things Justin Bieber when she shooed away a question about him. A reporter asked Taylor what she thinks about Justin Bieber winning the Milestone Award at such a young age. Taylor kept herself from dry heaving and then asked for another question.

I didn’t think I liked any side of Taylor Swift, but I do like this anti-Bieber side of her. Yes, the crazed Beliebers will soon break out of their playpens at the mental ward and tear Taylor’s scarecrow body apart, but I hope she spits out a whole lot of Beiber hate before that happens.

You know, one of my friends (correction: one my EX-friends) said on IM today that it’s obvious that Taylor is being mean to Justin, because she really wants to scissor with him on her pirate canopy bed. That makes sense since Taylor is forever an 8th grader on the inside and she’s a big meanie to boys she likes. Then this same friend when way too far when he said that if Nick Jr. was ever going to remake Beverly Hills, 90210, Justin should play Dylan, Taylor should play Kelly Taylor and Selena should play Brenda Walsh. I have never blocked a bitch on IM so fast in my life. It’s all fun and games until you compare Selena Gomez to Brenda Walsh. Besides, Justin’s way more of an Emily Valentine than a Dylan McKay.

And somewhere in a music studio right now, Tom Cruise is working on an album of songs in hopes that he wins a Billboard Music Award next year, because those trophies look like alien dicks.