Category: The Jokes Write Themselves

Charlie Sheen Went To The Hospital After Eating “Bad Clams”

June 10, 2015 / Posted by:

To quote the desperate, hard-up trick who eyes me for a minute while looking for a hook-up at the gay bar: “Um, too easy!

Seen above with his foundation-covered skin looking like the inside of a Whopper, Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital on Monday. Usually when I read the words “Charlie Sheen was shuffled off to the hospital,” I assume that his liver once again made a break for it out of his warlock asshole. Or I figure that his nose fell into a porn star’s poon and he went to the hospital to get it re-attached again. But Charlie’s rep, Jeffrey Ballard, tells UsWeekly that he got “food poisoning” after filling his mouth with “bad clams” and he was fine after getting “hydrated” at the hospital. Some source tells TMZ that paramedics took Charlie to the hospital after he complained of having chest pains. If I was telling you this story in person, I’d probably lose a few hundred calories from making so many air quotes with my fingers.

“It was clams, bad clams,” Ballard tells Us. “Nothing too exciting.”

“They checked him out, hydrated him and sent him on his way,” Sheen’s publicist told Us. “He was back home in bed 90 minutes later.”

We shouldn’t make jokes, because this is how Michael Douglas got throat cancer.

And I’m sure the universe will keep on churning out “two easy” nuggets like this and we’ll soon read about how Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Coca-Cola in Peru.

Johnny Depp Is The New Face Of Dior’s Dude Parfum And He Looks Really Happy About It

June 3, 2015 / Posted by:

On the list of “Things You Think Should Be The Face Of A Fragrance,Johnny Depp falls dead last right under “a drunk hobo’s 65-year-old coat that has been pissed on by a bunch of asparagus-eating cats.” But for some reason, Diodor picked Johnny Depp and to introduce him as the face of their dude scent, they chose a greasy picture of him looking like he just cut a nasty one and is trying to blame it on you. Dior squirted up this release:

Today, the house of Dior is pleased to announce Johnny Depp as the face of a new men’s fragrance to be unveiled in September. We take a look at the career path of a highly singular actor.

He has been cinema’s most famous pirate, Jack Sparrow, and the alter ego of the poet William Blake in Dead Man, on the run in the American west. He has been the rookie cop from 21 Jump Street and the bad boy of Cry-Baby; the fantastical creature Edward Scissorhands and a man caught up with the reality of his past in Arizona Dream.

For three generations of viewers, Johnny Depp is an utterly unique Hollywood icon, capable of taking on all roles, from the most realistic characters to the most fantastic figures dreamed up by Tim Burton, and as comfortable in front of the camera of such cutting-edge auteurs as Emir Kusturica or Jim Jarmusch as he is in global blockbusters like Pirates of the Caribbean. Which new character will this legendary actor be playing for Dior? You’ll have to wait until September to find out!

Hmmm… I can think of two reasons why Dior went with the Yorkie smuggler:

1. Their new men’s perfume smells like a mixture of a wet ashtray, a bar-back’s end-of-the-night bin, the blood of an Australian customs official, a tub of cottage cheese that has been left in the backseat of a car in the middle of August, dried neck sweat stuck to an Alexander McQueen scarf and a gallon of boiling armpit foam. In other words, it smells better than half of the colognes out there.

2. Dior wants everyone to know that their new parfum is so strong that it can mask Johnny Depp’s not-so-natural stank!

A Showing Of “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Had To Be Evacuated After A Woman Barfed All Over The Place And Shat On Herself

February 26, 2015 / Posted by:

File this directly in the THINGS THAT ARE TOO EASY file. Right next to a picture of me.

I don’t know what it is about the UK and Fifty Shades of Meh, but they’re having strong feelings about it. They’re either glassing tricks who tell them to shut their mouths or they’re vom-ing everywhere and caca-ing themselves. The Milton Keynes Citizen says that at a sold-out Valentine’s Day showing of Fifty Shades of Grey (Why are we just hearing about this important shit and vomit news now?) at Cineworld in the town of Milton Keynes in England, audience members started complaining about the smell of puke and poop filling the theater. I don’t know if I would’ve complained. I would’ve guessed that the theater is really technologically advanced and had Smell-O-Vision installed. Barf and caca is the natural scent of Fifty Shades of Shit, right? Well, everyone in the audience quickly found out that the stank scent was coming from a drunk woman who just couldn’t resist the urge to turn the theater into a barf and scat party.

One audience member said that after she butt barfed and puked up all of her insides, she couldn’t move and had to be carried out. Because of the shit show in the audience, the shit show playing on the screen was canceled. Everyone was told to get out and they were given refunds.

“I’m not sure of her age but she so drunk she couldn’t move. She practically had to be 
carried out. And the mess she left behind was just 
disgusting. There was no way they could clean it up there and then – it would be a specialist job, so the film was stopped and everybody had to leave. It was so disappointing. We’d really been looking forward to seeing it after reading the books. It was an absolute 
disaster. There is nothing less romantic than seeing a 
woman be violently ill 
everywhere.”

That last line. There’s a Bill Cosby joke there, but I’m not touching it today. You know, I haven’t seen Fifty Shades, but I thought this happened at every showing? Isn’t this just a normal, natural reaction to that movie?

And I bet that as that drunk lady was carried away, a husband who was dragged there by his wife, discreetly tucked 200 bucks into her pocket and threw her a “good job” wink.

Florida Has Out Florida’d Itself Again

June 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Presenting the new official state flower of Florida: CRYSTAL METHENEY!

From now on, every time there’s a Miss USA or Miss America or Miss Whatever pageant, Florida should have to send Crystal Metheney to represent their state, because she is the only Miss Florida that this country needs. A stage 10 Florida would’ve been declared by Obama if Crystal Metheney got arrested for cooking meth in a camper parked in the parking lot of a Kroger’s. No, she didn’t get arrested for anything meth-related. This Southern blossom was busted by police for “shooting a missile into an occupied vehicle.” The thought of Cryrstal Metheney launching a giant scud missile at a car has taken me higher like I just gulped down an obese cloud of meth smoke. But “missile” just means “object” in police talk, so she probably threw an empty bottle of MD 20/20 or shot a bb gun at the car.

Crystal Metheney’s parents should be given the key to the state for naming her Crystal Metheney. I hope Crystal Metheney keeps the family legacy alive by naming her kids Blue Metheney and Strawberry Metheney.

Walter White’s dream girl has been found!

via Uproxx (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

QOTD: Benedict Cumberbatch On His Otter Face

February 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Tumblr’s sweetheart and the #1 reason why thousands of Cumberbitches have rug burns on their coochie lips from humping on a stuffed lizard toy is well aware of the whole “Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch” meme and he completely embraces his face. During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter for their “In Conversation” series, Bendadick Cumsinbatches was asked about his “timeless” look and he spit this out:

“It’s the blessing of having a weird face — somewhere between an otter and something people find vaguely attractive. Or just an otter, which is vaguely attractive. In all seriousness I’ve grown up with this face and it’s been in the industry for 10 years and now it’s getting on these hottie lists. It just doesn’t make any sense, because I was nowhere near the 1000th hottest face when I started out. So I know a lot of it is projection, which is kind of flattering about the work I suppose. I know I’m not a typical beauty. I’ve got a long neck, a long face — that’s usually period. That’s usually some kind of inbreeding weirdness. So I’ll run with that. I’ll wear some high collars and ride a horse or two.”

Did Benadryl Cucumberpatch just admit that his mom and dad used to call each other brother and sister back in the day and that he’s the inbred product of some Flowers in the Attic-type fuck action? But seriously, my nipples have never gotten hard for Benedict and I’ve been digitally shanked through e-mail by Cumberbitches for saying so. But he is charming and he’s self-aware and I do understand how hos can get the coochie barfs from a dude who looks like a living police sketch of an alien.

With all that being said, I can NOT with Benedict calling otters “vaguely” attractive. That’s like calling Shauna Sand vaguely elegant or like calling Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda vaguely butt hole busting. Or like calling Lindsay Lohan vaguely crackheady. I mean, look at this. This isn’t vaguely attractive. This is all the way adorable:

benedictotters2014

So fuck you, Benedict! Maybe the Tumblr rumors are true. Maybe Benedict really is an  alien from a planet where emotions don’t exist, because how can you call that vaguely attractive? I am not-so-vaguely disgusted!

Jake Gyllenhaal Screwed Up His Hand From Punching A Mirror

November 14, 2013 / Posted by:

And I’m sure you just screwed up your hand after punching your monitor when you saw this picture of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a malnourished Eddie Munster on meth. That’s some Faces of Transylvanian Meth shit.

People says that Jake Gyllenhaal was shuffled off to the hospital yesterday morning after he got so into his character so much that he punched a mirror while filming a scene for the movie Nightcrawler in L.A. Jake got a few stitches in the emergency room and while he was there I hope the nurses hooked him up to an IV drip full of liquefied meals from Outback, because it looks like his eyebrows are so hungry that they’re eating his face. Some source (aka Jake’s publicist) said this to People about the owwie on his hand:

“Jake flipped out. His character was looking into a mirror during the scene and punched the mirror in anger and broke it, cutting himself so bad he had to be taken to a hospital. The scene was emotionally charged and his character was talking into a mirror and he got so into it, he banged his hands against the mirror and it broke and cut him. It was all the scene and not because he was mad about anything else.”

This movie hasn’t even finished shooting yet and Jake is already working harder than Anne Hathaway for that Oscar. Bitch is going all out. I guess messing up his insides and outsides by going manorexic for a role isn’t enough. Now he’s  punching a mirror during a scene so he has an “I’m so method!” story to tell during his Oscar campaign. But you know who should really get the award here? Jake’s publicist for spinning this. We all know that Jake busted his hand in a fisting gone wrong accident. Nice try, though, Jake.

And what is happening to the hot white pieces of Hollywood? They’re falling apart! First, Zac Efron busts his jaw and now Jake Gyllenehaal busts his fisting hand. Prayer circle around ASkars before he sprains his vampire viking dick in a bizarre sex scene accident.

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