Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!
Show me a person who looks at that stunning work of art above and can honestly say that they hate the movie that made it possible, and I’ll show you a not-knowing trick whose opinion should never ever be trusted again! And one of those tricks is Olivia Newton-John.
In 1995, angel-voiced legend and former aspiring casual wear mogul (RIP Koala Blue, never forget) Olivia Newton-John met a cameraman named Patrick McDermott. They dated off and on for almost ten years until Patrick disappeared during a fishing trip in California. Nobody really knows what happened except that Patrick was alone, it was nighttime, that he probably fell off his boat, and that he was most likely lost at sea. It was very weird.
Recently, a new layer of weird was added to the situation after a couple people claimed to have spotted Patrick – the real Patrick, not a merman version or ghost version of Patrick – being very much alive in Mexico. In fact, you don’t have to look very far to find people who believe that Patrick pulled a solo Double Jeopardy on his boat that night in an attempt to dodge some major money troubles. Olivia Newton-John must not know about those rumors….
“You might like it” isn’t only the line that John Travolta says after he raises his ass up in the air and rubs his Scientolohole against a massage therapist’s crotch. It’s also the name of his new Christmas song with Olivia Newton-John. The cover of John and ONJ’s holiday album is what you would see if you put a magnifying glass up to a unicorn’s fart bubble after it ate all of the Christmas candy, and the video for their first (and last) single is just as special.
In the video that costs less than the shoe polish John Travolta smears all over his head every morning, JT and ONJ two-step, hug and drive together in Ocala, FL. Everything about this gift from Baby Xenu is beautiful from the hairy skid mark on JT’s chin to ONJ’s face looking like an inside/out rubber cat mask to the chain wallet to the random hugging of policemen to ONJ driving on the sidewalk and waving at nobody.
Yes, this is what has become of Danny and Sandy and I might LOVE it!
Pour me a cup of hot cocoa, because I butt birthed out a peppermint-flavored marshmallow just from looking at this cover of Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta’s new holiday album of music. This is what it would look like if the meaning of plastic surgery and the meaning of gay became conjoined twins. Everything about this piece of art is a work of true beauty and let’s analyze it all:
1. The Christmas tree in the background! That tree dimmed its lights, because it wanted to give all the attention to the sparkly twinkles in John and Olivia’s eyes that only show up when they join fabulous forces by touching heads.
2. The teacups, which are pissed off, because they aren’t the most precious things in this picture.
3. Olivia’s face, which has gone from looking like that of a human’s to that of a plastic Thundercat’s.
4. The thing on John Travolta’s head, which has replaced the pink fairy princess tiara as the gayest headpiece in the world. They must’ve shot this picture in the middle of a freezer, because I can’t believe that Sharpie puddle on John’s head isn’t melting from the heat he and Olivia are making. I’ve seen cartoon hair that looks more life-like and real than John’s spray-on helmet. How many Caltrans workers did it take to paint that pristine hairline? That hairline might be the straightest thing about John.
AND NineMSN says that my new favorite Christmas album feature a guest spot by BARBARA STREISAND! I love it when the punchlines punch themselves.
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)