In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.
But it’s not like Tammy Lynn Michaels could crash Melissa Etheridge’s latest wedding if she could. Tammy Lynn ONLY gets a paltry ass $86,000 a month from Melissa and so she can’t afford to put gas in the beat-up Pinto she drives and even if she could afford gas, she wouldn’t be able to get into her beat-up Pinto, because she’s too weak from only eating garden hose water and Top Ramen flavor packets.
At the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California yesterday, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem became the next woman who will one day hate the shit out of Melissa Etheridge and spend her days writing nothing but rage-filled, incoherent haikus on her blog after Melissa drops her ass for another trick. Linda Wallem was Melissa’s Best Woman when Melissa married Tammy Lynn Michaels and yesterday she was Melissa’s bride. As People pointed out, Melissa announced on her Twatter that she is somebody’s wife again:
True love…so blessed. “By the power invested in me by the state of California…” Thanks
UsWeekly that Linda (who wore a gown made of shaving cream) and Melissa’s guests included Rosie O’Donnell (Fun gayelle fact: If lesbians don’t invite gayelle mafia don Rosie O to their wedding, their Home Depot credit card will be revoked), Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler. I don’t think Chelsea is friends with either Linda or Melissa. She just sniffed out the open bar and crashed the party.
Anyway, congratulations to Melissa and her future ex-wife. I’m sure they both filled with happiness and were touched when they got Tammy Lynn’s wedding gift: a box of used dicks (Tammy Lynn can’t afford new ones).
Ever since Melissa Etheridge’s ex-partner and mother to their two kids, Tammy Lynn Michaels, deleted her blog, I’ve really missed the poetic streams of insanity she let out over Melissa leaving her with only an empty checking account and a box of dusty dildos. But my prayers have been answered, because Tammy Lynn Michaels is back to moaning and whining about how she can barely live off of $86,000 a month and gets her medical care from WebMD and by watching episodes of Dr. Oz in the TV section at Best Buy (because she can’t afford a TV, obviously).
Radar says that Tammy Lynn gets $26,000 a month in child and spousal support, and she also gets a cut of Melissa’s monthly royalties (around $60,000 a month), but she’s still bitching about how she doesn’t have health insurance and is $500,000 in debt. On Saturday, Tammy Lynn (tweeted and later deleted) this dingle of woe:
“My insides are exploding. No insurance means surgerys gonna co$t; 1/2 mil in debt and here comes more.”
I figured that by “insides are exploding” Tammy means that her stomach is staging a revolt and trying to explode out of her ass, because she’s so poor and destitute that she can only afford to feed it dirt burgers, slivers of air and dildo dust. But Tammy Lynn told her followers that she’s suffering from “continuous ovarian cysts that rupture, and an appendix that seems to be having fits.” Tammy also let her followers know that she’ll probably sell her rotten ovary on eBay:
“Want my rotten ovary when its out? Maybe make it a conversational centerpiece?”
After St. Angie made a move to dodge breast cancer by getting a double mastectomy, Dr. Melissa Etheridge said that she doesn’t agree with St. Angie’s decision, because she believes that stress causes cancer. So if stress causes cancer, then stress must also cause rupturing ovarian cysts and Tammy Lynn is obviously suffering from a whole lot of stress since she’s flat broke. Only $86,000 a month! I’m surprised Tammy Lynn can afford the cellphone and cell service used to tweet those tweets. She probably used the free computers at the library and she crawled her way to the library since she can’t even afford a bike!
Tammy Lynn’s ovary isn’t the only thing that’s rotten. So is Melissa’s black heart for leaving Tammy Lynn so broke. Somebody please send La Clinica Mobile to Tammy Lynn’s house, because she needs their free services way more than anyone else does. Only $86,000 a month!
Melissa Etheridge became Brangeloonie enemy #1 yesterday when she threw ice cold shade at St. Angie Jolie by saying that getting a double mastectomy to dodge cancer is not brave and is the most fearful choice you can make. Melissa said that she thinks you can keep the cancer gene button switched to off if you just sip some chamomile tea while getting a foot rub as Enya plays in the background. That comment turned Jenny McCarthy into a full-fledged, clit-slurping lesbian and she’s coming to Melissa’s window right now, because she’s in love.
At last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z, Extra told Brad Pitt what Melissa said and then asked for his thoughts. As the Brangeloonies attacked Melissa the same way the zombies attack him in that World War Z mess, Brad said this:
“Oh, I didn’t know, I haven’t seen her… Melissa is an old friend of mine, so I’ll have to give her a call.”
Oh, Brad’s just taking the high road and by that I mean he was so damn high at that moment that he couldn’t fully process that question and he doesn’t want to kill his high from trying to process that shit.
And strangely enough, here’s Brad looking like a Botoxed, bronzer-covered Melissa Etheridge with a goatee at last night’s premiere. It’s time for Brad Pitt to cut off that dirty mop of grease. He can donate it to Locks For Stoners since his hair is basically 99% THC.
Tammy Lynn Michaels can take a break from writing haikus about how Melissa Etheridge has left her so poor that she has to feed her kids dirt pies and dirty sock soup, because today the Brangeloonies are going to scratch at Melissa so she doesn’t have to. When St. Angie Jolie wrote in a New York Times op-ed piece that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, many called her brave and a chapter devoted to all her acts of sainthood were added to the Bible. But Melissa Etheridge is not one of those people who think that St. Angie was brave. Melissa’s ass thinks the opposite.
Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 and she went through a whole lot of chemotherapy. Since Melissa is a breast cancer survivor, The Washington Blade (via UsWeekly) asked her what she thinks of St. Angie’s decision. Here’s what Dr. Melissa Etheridge said:
I have to say I feel a little differently. I have that gene mutation too and it’s not something I would believe in for myself. I wouldn’t call it the brave choice. I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer. My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not. Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer so I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels. I’ve been cancer free for nine years now and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer. There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.
This sort of reminds me when I got hit by a bike at the beach and as I’m lying on the ground with my side split open, crying in pain, some stranger lady said to me, “Just think soothing thoughts. Think of swimming in the ocean.” The only thought I was thinking to myself was, bitch, how can I think of rainbows and dolphins and mermaids when my body is split open. Give me some damn morphine and then I’ll quit crying to tell you a colorful and magical tale about Ariel and her sea creature friends and shit.
If only St. Angie talked to Melissa before she went through that surgery. Then she would’ve found out that all she had to do was eat some lentils, squeeze a stress ball and take a few Calgon baths. So now you tell us, Melissa!
And if it wasn’t for that whole “out and proud lesbian thing,” Scientology would totally embrace Melissa and make her their High Priestess of Medicine.
Tammy Lynn Michaels’ children with Melissa Etheridge will be lucky to get a stocking full of rocks and a bag full of dirt for Christmas, because a certain lesbian Grinch hasn’t paid up. Tammy Lynn is infamous for spitting out some rambling poetry that reads like something Miss Venezuela would write if she got a job writing e-mail spam in English, and she’s done it again. Tammy Lynn is still whining about money and this time she’s crying about how every time she goes to the mailbox to see if her check has finally arrived, the only thing she sees is an empty hole that is bigger than the hole Melissa left in her heart when a new box of dicks landed on her kitchen counter years ago.
Tammy Lynn Michaels currently gets $23,000 a month in child support and she also gets 50% of the royalties for all the songs Melissa wrote during the 9 years they were together. I guess Melissa doesn’t pay Tammy Lynn through automatic direct deposit, because the money takes its time getting to her ass. Radar points out that a couple of days ago, Tammy Lynn posted a melodramatic poem on her blog about how there’s no presents under the tree this year, because Melissa hasn’t sent a check yet. Girl is always so EXTRA.
fascinating you know— secrets, they are. People, places, things and accounts, houses, waived rights AND relationships, money —-secrets are sick—a sign of an illness within—disease—playing games with money—phoney baloney—hide and seek—can you find the ball under the clam shell? —christmas is coming—chase the check—chase the check —chase the check—can’t —catch it—oh watch the girl go—empty stockings and tiny boxes—-don’t worry– —i’ll teach them what’s important—nothing close to —what i have to chase in the stupid mail box—but rather—what is in the heart—which could never–never never ever be found in a mail box anyway…………… millionaires in their mansions—-tricking with trusts—-hiding money from Paul behind Peter—–just to steal from the minor in the end—-integrity is a mystery in—-the town of gold dust—-pyrite—fool’s gold —-at times i do feel——as narcissistic as this sounds—that i might be the only —one—with a moral compass —-this side of the Indiana State Line. —tell me it’s not true—-no—-show me—-show me—-someone show me it’s not true…………
I’m truly impressed that Tammy Lynn was able to type out this work of woeful poetry while trying to shake the cold off of her body (because her heat was turned off) and trying to type in a candlelit dark room (because her electricity was turned off) and trying to drown out the sound of her kids powering her laptop by running on treadmills. Tammy Lynn is so strong!
The Toys For Tots truck should redirect their route and drive away from the orphanage and drive toward Tammy Lynn’s house, because her kids are the ones who really have nothing. The Salvation Army Santa Claus should leave his red can full of donations on Tammy Lynn’s doorstep, because she’s the one who really needs it.
If Melissa really ain’t sending those checks, Tammy Lynn needs to stop crying through her fingers, get up and do something about it. Go down to that lesbian Grinch’s house and tear the porch light off of the house, because that’s worth something I’m sure. Yank the rims off of the car parked on the driveway, because that’s definitely worth some cash. Pull out the trees, because she can get something for that too. Get that money however you need to get it.
Or, since Tammy Lynn is so damn thirsty, she can just sing this song on a street corner for spare change:
But then Tammy Lynn will have to pay royalties and ALL of it will go to Melissa since she wrote it before they got together. Damn that lesbian Grinch!
After 601 blog posts of Tammy Lynn Michaels doing nothing but moaning and groaning about how selfish lezmonster Melissa Etheridge left her with a flatlining checking account (aka $23,000 a month) and a mutilated heart stabbed by a shiny new rubber dick, their bitter bitch custody battle is finally over. Tammy Lynn managed to get through it without having to shut down her blog because she ate her fingers off due to almost dying of the starvation forced upon her by Melissa Etheridge. It’s the end of a “farting out blog haikus about your ex’s box of new dicks” era!
TMZ says that Melissa and Tammy Lynn both agreed to share custody of their 5-year-old twin boys. Tammy Lynn no longer has to eat nail clippings soup for dinner and she doesn’t have to suffer through EXTENSIVE retraining to get back into the work force, because Melissa is going to send her more than $23,000 a month in spousal and child support. We don’t know how much more, but at least you don’t have to spend your work day worrying about Tammy Lynn having to get a job, because she doesn’t have to do that anymore!
The selfish part of me will miss Tammy Lynn constantly Maya Angelou-ing about the trials and tribulations of a non-working single parent trying to support two chirruns on a six figure salary. But the unselfish part of me is glad that Tammy Lynn no longer has to buy her pussy balls at The Salvation Army. I swear, Tammy Lynn has played all of this flawlessly and it’s like Heather Mills was mentoring her the whole time. Trying to get thousands upon thousands of dollars out of your millionaire ex so you don’t have to work IS work. Bitch deserves to retire for that. “#GOTthatmoneybitch” – TLM
Remember back in 2010 when Melissa Etheridge’s ex-wife Tammy Lynn Michaels brought the melodramatic starving street urchin theatrics in a blog post where she said that she’s barely surviving on the $2,000 child support she gets every month and that she’s nourishing herself with tap water from a neighbor’s garden hose and dirt pies? That poem was one of my favorite things from 2010, because every time I read it that Sarah McLachlan song started playing in my head as I pictured Tammy Lynn staring up at me with weak, hungry eyes. Well, that “SCREW THE STARVING CHILDREN OF THE WORLD, WHAT ABOUT ME?!” rant must’ve paid off, because sometime between now and then a judge upped her child support to $23,000 a month! But guess what? It’s still not good enough for Tammy Lynn.
TMZ says that Tammy Lynn filed papers in court claiming that it’s not fair that she’s getting ONLY twenty three Gs a month while Melissa is making over $177,000 every 30 days. Tammy’s savings is all dried up, she’ll need “extensive retraining” if she joins the workforce again and she says she’s used to the luxurious lifestyle she lived while with Melissa. Tammy also accused Melissa of brainwashing their children to hate her and now the kids won’t even give her a hug (Tammy says that like it’s a bad thing).
Melissa is fighting back by filing her own papers claiming that Tammy accidentally burned one of their kids with a cigarette and refuses to give her 50/50 custody because she didn’t give birth to them. Melissa also attached this email that Tammy allegedly sent her ass:
You have to support so many households because YOU BROKE SO MANY HOUSEHOLDS, silly. If you had decided to have one ounce of integrity/honesty as a person or partner, you would NOT be in this predicament. Think about it.
I know Tammy Lynn is a crazy, delusional, money-hungry drama queen, but I love the game she’s playing. You have to respect a hustler who went from eating dirt pies to eating dirt pies stuffed with filet mignon and it’s still not good enough. I love how Tammy says she needs “extensive retraining” to get a job. I could lick that line dry. Wasn’t Tammy an actress? What kind of retraining does her ass need? If cardboard person Blake Lively can do it, so can she.
But Tammy really does need more money a month. I bet the cigarette she accidentally burned her kid with was a Marlboro. Marlboro are for the poors only! Tammy is the kind of woman who should only be sucking on platinum-tipped skinny cigarettes imported from Monaco. Melissa is seriously A MONSTER for doing that to Tammy.
Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife’s best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy
Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy’s literary work of lesbian realness, let’s get the supposed facts about Melissa’s new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).
One of Melissa’s friends say that she’s been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa’s best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.
In a blog post titled “speak, spread walk the talk“, Tammy writes that People’s story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a “something in the milk ain’t clean” moment when Melissa’s assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:
i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn’t know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out
three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up
i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”
one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
they were being represented
Nothing says “out with the old vagina dust and in with the new” like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, “I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter.” Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.
Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa’s new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa’s album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy’s begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.
so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i’m here to clarify. well… i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven’t gone just that far yet.
since april of 09? mmm…. one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.
they should have shut the bedroom door.
and once again… if we’re going to have little “leaks” and such… let’s make them truthful?
perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. “speak true and spread the peace” of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn’t believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?
spread the peace? speak true.
and i found better friends. real friends.
and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.
in other words-
it’s not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i’m interesting like that:
i’d rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone’s secret
i don’t know.
but i knew this
no “new couple!”
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?
Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn’t say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I’ve never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy’s life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they’d make together? Actually, don’t imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.
And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy’s blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!
(Thanks Lauren Ashley)
The Maya Angelou of scorned wives is back with a new poem about how her ex Melissa Etheridge has left her with an empty checking account, hungry mouths, saggy tits, stretch marks and a newfound hate for marriage. This past Saturday, Tammy Lynn Michaels once again poured raw emotion into a blog post dedicated to the heartless villainess who has left her and their 4-year-old twins parched in every way.
Melissa’s lawyers claimed a couple of months ago that Tammy Lynn is playing up the “Please sir, can I have some more” part for melodramatic purposes, because she gets around $2,000 a month in child support. But according to Tammy’s poems, it’s not enough. Here’s a condensed piece of what Tammy wrote (read the whole thing here):
“pays all the bills”
not entirely true
“pays all the bills she chooses to pay”
“pays all the bills her people thinks
are important enough to pay”
is more accurate
when i went to get cash
just last week
for the three of us to eat
today i was shopping for birthday decor
4th next sunday!
little cash for lunch?
nope- not enough funds
what the fuck is marriage all about anyway? i thought i did everything i was supposed to do. support support support. love family, be there, love, right? all for naught or have i still everything to learn about love? and that was nothing? or the letting go of this is THEE LESSON of loving. argh.
someone told me that chemotherapy just messes with a brain chemistry, changes the brain, the person, and makes them just in general different. they might b meaner, or illogical, often imbalanced, or whatever. but they just don’t come out the same. hardly ever, i am told. and they can’t help it. it just is.
and i think about that alot too.
Tammy Lynn really is in a bad way if she doesn’t even have the strength to hit the shift button to make a capital letter. That’s what surviving on relish packets, crab grass and popcorn does to you.
For those of you who are thinking to yourself that Tammy Lynn needs to get out on the stroll to shake her shit for a dollar, she has this to say:
someone asked about getting a job. okay. well.let’s talkaboutthisheregirlfriend…… i have “help” until 2 pm a lot. i can’t tell my bosses that i can work each day until between the hours of 830 and 145. tv hours aren’t like that, waitressing ours aren’t like that sadly…. strippers hours aren’t like that, whores’ hours aren’t like that, secretary hours’ aren’t like that, starbucks’ jobs aren’t like that… crossed my mind this morning to get a paper route, though. that’s a quick job, but i bet a lot has changed since i was 11. but thank goodness i was able to go home that day and eat- not like in haiti where you eat dirt cookies. while i drove, i spit brown stomach bile into my cup, and rinsed with water. then when i got home i simply ate a bagel. it’s not really great for my stomach to sit empty right now. like being pregnant, but no baby inside. but then my friend and i laughed… cuz once i am able to get my twins so set and solid and older, THEN there’s jobs for me, and i’ll be open.
Spit brown stomach bile into a cup?! Paper route?! What in the Feed A Child for 99 Cents A Day HELL?! THIS BITCH is laying it out on so thick that she can probably shove it into the oven, bake for 30 minutes at 350 and then nibble on it for protein.
Why isn’t Sally Struthers on TV begging us to send in a few dollars so Tammy Lynn doesn’t have to eat dirt cookies. I swear. All the children in Ethiopia are at the post office right now to send their rations over to Tammy Lynn.