In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.
But it’s not like Tammy Lynn Michaels could crash Melissa Etheridge’s latest wedding if she could. Tammy Lynn ONLY gets a paltry ass $86,000 a month from Melissa and so she can’t afford to put gas in the beat-up Pinto she drives and even if she could afford gas, she wouldn’t be able to get into her beat-up Pinto, because she’s too weak from only eating garden hose water and Top Ramen flavor packets.
At the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California yesterday, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem became the next woman who will one day hate the shit out of Melissa Etheridge and spend her days writing nothing but rage-filled, incoherent haikus on her blog after Melissa drops her ass for another trick. Linda Wallem was Melissa’s Best Woman when Melissa married Tammy Lynn Michaels and yesterday she was Melissa’s bride. As People pointed out, Melissa announced on her Twatter that she is somebody’s wife again:
True love…so blessed. “By the power invested in me by the state of California…” Thanks
UsWeekly that Linda (who wore a gown made of shaving cream) and Melissa’s guests included Rosie O’Donnell (Fun gayelle fact: If lesbians don’t invite gayelle mafia don Rosie O to their wedding, their Home Depot credit card will be revoked), Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler. I don’t think Chelsea is friends with either Linda or Melissa. She just sniffed out the open bar and crashed the party.
Anyway, congratulations to Melissa and her future ex-wife. I’m sure they both filled with happiness and were touched when they got Tammy Lynn’s wedding gift: a box of used dicks (Tammy Lynn can’t afford new ones).
Ever since Melissa Etheridge’s ex-partner and mother to their two kids, Tammy Lynn Michaels, deleted her blog, I’ve really missed the poetic streams of insanity she let out over Melissa leaving her with only an empty checking account and a box of dusty dildos. But my prayers have been answered, because Tammy Lynn Michaels is back to moaning and whining about how she can barely live off of $86,000 a month and gets her medical care from WebMD and by watching episodes of Dr. Oz in the TV section at Best Buy (because she can’t afford a TV, obviously).
Radar says that Tammy Lynn gets $26,000 a month in child and spousal support, and she also gets a cut of Melissa’s monthly royalties (around $60,000 a month), but she’s still bitching about how she doesn’t have health insurance and is $500,000 in debt. On Saturday, Tammy Lynn (tweeted and later deleted) this dingle of woe:
“My insides are exploding. No insurance means surgerys gonna co$t; 1/2 mil in debt and here comes more.”
I figured that by “insides are exploding” Tammy means that her stomach is staging a revolt and trying to explode out of her ass, because she’s so poor and destitute that she can only afford to feed it dirt burgers, slivers of air and dildo dust. But Tammy Lynn told her followers that she’s suffering from “continuous ovarian cysts that rupture, and an appendix that seems to be having fits.” Tammy also let her followers know that she’ll probably sell her rotten ovary on eBay:
“Want my rotten ovary when its out? Maybe make it a conversational centerpiece?”
After St. Angie made a move to dodge breast cancer by getting a double mastectomy, Dr. Melissa Etheridge said that she doesn’t agree with St. Angie’s decision, because she believes that stress causes cancer. So if stress causes cancer, then stress must also cause rupturing ovarian cysts and Tammy Lynn is obviously suffering from a whole lot of stress since she’s flat broke. Only $86,000 a month! I’m surprised Tammy Lynn can afford the cellphone and cell service used to tweet those tweets. She probably used the free computers at the library and she crawled her way to the library since she can’t even afford a bike!
Tammy Lynn’s ovary isn’t the only thing that’s rotten. So is Melissa’s black heart for leaving Tammy Lynn so broke. Somebody please send La Clinica Mobile to Tammy Lynn’s house, because she needs their free services way more than anyone else does. Only $86,000 a month!
Melissa Etheridge became Brangeloonie enemy #1 yesterday when she threw ice cold shade at St. Angie Jolie by saying that getting a double mastectomy to dodge cancer is not brave and is the most fearful choice you can make. Melissa said that she thinks you can keep the cancer gene button switched to off if you just sip some chamomile tea while getting a foot rub as Enya plays in the background. That comment turned Jenny McCarthy into a full-fledged, clit-slurping lesbian and she’s coming to Melissa’s window right now, because she’s in love.
At last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z, Extra told Brad Pitt what Melissa said and then asked for his thoughts. As the Brangeloonies attacked Melissa the same way the zombies attack him in that World War Z mess, Brad said this:
“Oh, I didn’t know, I haven’t seen her… Melissa is an old friend of mine, so I’ll have to give her a call.”
Oh, Brad’s just taking the high road and by that I mean he was so damn high at that moment that he couldn’t fully process that question and he doesn’t want to kill his high from trying to process that shit.
And strangely enough, here’s Brad looking like a Botoxed, bronzer-covered Melissa Etheridge with a goatee at last night’s premiere. It’s time for Brad Pitt to cut off that dirty mop of grease. He can donate it to Locks For Stoners since his hair is basically 99% THC.
Tammy Lynn Michaels can take a break from writing haikus about how Melissa Etheridge has left her so poor that she has to feed her kids dirt pies and dirty sock soup, because today the Brangeloonies are going to scratch at Melissa so she doesn’t have to. When St. Angie Jolie wrote in a New York Times op-ed piece that she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, many called her brave and a chapter devoted to all her acts of sainthood were added to the Bible. But Melissa Etheridge is not one of those people who think that St. Angie was brave. Melissa’s ass thinks the opposite.
Melissa was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 and she went through a whole lot of chemotherapy. Since Melissa is a breast cancer survivor, The Washington Blade (via UsWeekly) asked her what she thinks of St. Angie’s decision. Here’s what Dr. Melissa Etheridge said:
I have to say I feel a little differently. I have that gene mutation too and it’s not something I would believe in for myself. I wouldn’t call it the brave choice. I actually think it’s the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer. My belief is that cancer comes from inside you and so much of it has to do with the environment of your body. It’s the stress that will turn that gene on or not. Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything but it never comes to cancer so I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we’ve made in things like nutrition and stress levels. I’ve been cancer free for nine years now and looking back, I completely understand why I got cancer. There was so much acidity in everything. I really encourage people to go a lot longer and further before coming to that conclusion.
This sort of reminds me when I got hit by a bike at the beach and as I’m lying on the ground with my side split open, crying in pain, some stranger lady said to me, “Just think soothing thoughts. Think of swimming in the ocean.” The only thought I was thinking to myself was, bitch, how can I think of rainbows and dolphins and mermaids when my body is split open. Give me some damn morphine and then I’ll quit crying to tell you a colorful and magical tale about Ariel and her sea creature friends and shit.
If only St. Angie talked to Melissa before she went through that surgery. Then she would’ve found out that all she had to do was eat some lentils, squeeze a stress ball and take a few Calgon baths. So now you tell us, Melissa!
And if it wasn’t for that whole “out and proud lesbian thing,” Scientology would totally embrace Melissa and make her their High Priestess of Medicine.
Tammy Lynn Michaels’ children with Melissa Etheridge will be lucky to get a stocking full of rocks and a bag full of dirt for Christmas, because a certain lesbian Grinch hasn’t paid up. Tammy Lynn is infamous for spitting out some rambling poetry that reads like something Miss Venezuela would write if she got a job writing e-mail spam in English, and she’s done it again. Tammy Lynn is still whining about money and this time she’s crying about how every time she goes to the mailbox to see if her check has finally arrived, the only thing she sees is an empty hole that is bigger than the hole Melissa left in her heart when a new box of dicks landed on her kitchen counter years ago.
Tammy Lynn Michaels currently gets $23,000 a month in child support and she also gets 50% of the royalties for all the songs Melissa wrote during the 9 years they were together. I guess Melissa doesn’t pay Tammy Lynn through automatic direct deposit, because the money takes its time getting to her ass. Radar points out that a couple of days ago, Tammy Lynn posted a melodramatic poem on her blog about how there’s no presents under the tree this year, because Melissa hasn’t sent a check yet. Girl is always so EXTRA.
fascinating you know— secrets, they are. People, places, things and accounts, houses, waived rights AND relationships, money —-secrets are sick—a sign of an illness within—disease—playing games with money—phoney baloney—hide and seek—can you find the ball under the clam shell? —christmas is coming—chase the check—chase the check —chase the check—can’t —catch it—oh watch the girl go—empty stockings and tiny boxes—-don’t worry– —i’ll teach them what’s important—nothing close to —what i have to chase in the stupid mail box—but rather—what is in the heart—which could never–never never ever be found in a mail box anyway…………… millionaires in their mansions—-tricking with trusts—-hiding money from Paul behind Peter—–just to steal from the minor in the end—-integrity is a mystery in—-the town of gold dust—-pyrite—fool’s gold —-at times i do feel——as narcissistic as this sounds—that i might be the only —one—with a moral compass —-this side of the Indiana State Line. —tell me it’s not true—-no—-show me—-show me—-someone show me it’s not true…………
I’m truly impressed that Tammy Lynn was able to type out this work of woeful poetry while trying to shake the cold off of her body (because her heat was turned off) and trying to type in a candlelit dark room (because her electricity was turned off) and trying to drown out the sound of her kids powering her laptop by running on treadmills. Tammy Lynn is so strong!
The Toys For Tots truck should redirect their route and drive away from the orphanage and drive toward Tammy Lynn’s house, because her kids are the ones who really have nothing. The Salvation Army Santa Claus should leave his red can full of donations on Tammy Lynn’s doorstep, because she’s the one who really needs it.
If Melissa really ain’t sending those checks, Tammy Lynn needs to stop crying through her fingers, get up and do something about it. Go down to that lesbian Grinch’s house and tear the porch light off of the house, because that’s worth something I’m sure. Yank the rims off of the car parked on the driveway, because that’s definitely worth some cash. Pull out the trees, because she can get something for that too. Get that money however you need to get it.
Or, since Tammy Lynn is so damn thirsty, she can just sing this song on a street corner for spare change:
But then Tammy Lynn will have to pay royalties and ALL of it will go to Melissa since she wrote it before they got together. Damn that lesbian Grinch!