The latest leg of Melissa Etheridge’s “Angelina Jolie Is A Nasty Demon Cuntress Tour” made a stop on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night and she debuted a brand new song that I’m sure will soon be #1 on Angelina Jolie’s iTunes playlist. Melissa was on Andy’s SiriusXM radio show on Monday and she said that the allegations that her old friend Brad Pitt went crazy on Maddox are “completely unfounded” and she accused Team St. Angie of leaking fake stories to the media. Melissa also brought up how during Angie’s BBP (Before Brad Pitt) days, she and Billy Bob Thornton acted real nasty toward Laura Dern. On WWHL last night, Melissa said that Team St. Angie went after her about the things she said and she responded to them with a lil’ diddy!
Before Brad Pitt became one half of the holiest couples since Jan Crouch and Krylon clear acrylic spray (only beauty amateurs use hairspray), he was good friends with Melissa Etheridge and as every Brangelina/Aniston historian knows, she sang at his wedding to Jennifer Aniston. When Brad got with Angelina Jolie, the power of Brangelina broke up a lot of his friendships including the one he had with Melissa. Melissa and Brad haven’t seen each other in 10 years, but that has never kept her from spitting out her thoughts about Devilina Holie! And yesterday, Melissa gave her thoughts on the fall of Brangelina during a talk with Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show. The next time Melissa walks by a church’s stained glass window with a saint in it, she shouldn’t be surprised when that saint side-eyes and hisses at her, because she dragged St. Angie a bit.
In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.
But it’s not like Tammy Lynn Michaels could crash Melissa Etheridge’s latest wedding if she could. Tammy Lynn ONLY gets a paltry ass $86,000 a month from Melissa and so she can’t afford to put gas in the beat-up Pinto she drives and even if she could afford gas, she wouldn’t be able to get into her beat-up Pinto, because she’s too weak from only eating garden hose water and Top Ramen flavor packets.
At the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California yesterday, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem became the next woman who will one day hate the shit out of Melissa Etheridge and spend her days writing nothing but rage-filled, incoherent haikus on her blog after Melissa drops her ass for another trick. Linda Wallem was Melissa’s Best Woman when Melissa married Tammy Lynn Michaels and yesterday she was Melissa’s bride. As People pointed out, Melissa announced on her Twatter that she is somebody’s wife again:
True love…so blessed. “By the power invested in me by the state of California…” Thanks
UsWeekly that Linda (who wore a gown made of shaving cream) and Melissa’s guests included Rosie O’Donnell (Fun gayelle fact: If lesbians don’t invite gayelle mafia don Rosie O to their wedding, their Home Depot credit card will be revoked), Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler. I don’t think Chelsea is friends with either Linda or Melissa. She just sniffed out the open bar and crashed the party.
Anyway, congratulations to Melissa and her future ex-wife. I’m sure they both filled with happiness and were touched when they got Tammy Lynn’s wedding gift: a box of used dicks (Tammy Lynn can’t afford new ones).
Ever since Melissa Etheridge’s ex-partner and mother to their two kids, Tammy Lynn Michaels, deleted her blog, I’ve really missed the poetic streams of insanity she let out over Melissa leaving her with only an empty checking account and a box of dusty dildos. But my prayers have been answered, because Tammy Lynn Michaels is back to moaning and whining about how she can barely live off of $86,000 a month and gets her medical care from WebMD and by watching episodes of Dr. Oz in the TV section at Best Buy (because she can’t afford a TV, obviously).
Radar says that Tammy Lynn gets $26,000 a month in child and spousal support, and she also gets a cut of Melissa’s monthly royalties (around $60,000 a month), but she’s still bitching about how she doesn’t have health insurance and is $500,000 in debt. On Saturday, Tammy Lynn (tweeted and later deleted) this dingle of woe:
“My insides are exploding. No insurance means surgerys gonna co$t; 1/2 mil in debt and here comes more.”
I figured that by “insides are exploding” Tammy means that her stomach is staging a revolt and trying to explode out of her ass, because she’s so poor and destitute that she can only afford to feed it dirt burgers, slivers of air and dildo dust. But Tammy Lynn told her followers that she’s suffering from “continuous ovarian cysts that rupture, and an appendix that seems to be having fits.” Tammy also let her followers know that she’ll probably sell her rotten ovary on eBay:
“Want my rotten ovary when its out? Maybe make it a conversational centerpiece?”
After St. Angie made a move to dodge breast cancer by getting a double mastectomy, Dr. Melissa Etheridge said that she doesn’t agree with St. Angie’s decision, because she believes that stress causes cancer. So if stress causes cancer, then stress must also cause rupturing ovarian cysts and Tammy Lynn is obviously suffering from a whole lot of stress since she’s flat broke. Only $86,000 a month! I’m surprised Tammy Lynn can afford the cellphone and cell service used to tweet those tweets. She probably used the free computers at the library and she crawled her way to the library since she can’t even afford a bike!
Tammy Lynn’s ovary isn’t the only thing that’s rotten. So is Melissa’s black heart for leaving Tammy Lynn so broke. Somebody please send La Clinica Mobile to Tammy Lynn’s house, because she needs their free services way more than anyone else does. Only $86,000 a month!
Melissa Etheridge became Brangeloonie enemy #1 yesterday when she threw ice cold shade at St. Angie Jolie by saying that getting a double mastectomy to dodge cancer is not brave and is the most fearful choice you can make. Melissa said that she thinks you can keep the cancer gene button switched to off if you just sip some chamomile tea while getting a foot rub as Enya plays in the background. That comment turned Jenny McCarthy into a full-fledged, clit-slurping lesbian and she’s coming to Melissa’s window right now, because she’s in love.
At last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z, Extra told Brad Pitt what Melissa said and then asked for his thoughts. As the Brangeloonies attacked Melissa the same way the zombies attack him in that World War Z mess, Brad said this:
“Oh, I didn’t know, I haven’t seen her… Melissa is an old friend of mine, so I’ll have to give her a call.”
Oh, Brad’s just taking the high road and by that I mean he was so damn high at that moment that he couldn’t fully process that question and he doesn’t want to kill his high from trying to process that shit.
And strangely enough, here’s Brad looking like a Botoxed, bronzer-covered Melissa Etheridge with a goatee at last night’s premiere. It’s time for Brad Pitt to cut off that dirty mop of grease. He can donate it to Locks For Stoners since his hair is basically 99% THC.