I thought my day was made and I reached for the economy-sized jug of lube when I read the headline this morning about a Hemsworth being in tiny shorts. And then I pushed the economy-sized jug of lube away after realizing it was just Liam Hemsworth and I wasn’t going to get a picture of Thor’s mighty ass muscles putting the seams of shorty shorts to the test. Oh well, I’ll still take it.
So, like a mysterious rash on my ass, I’ve been avoiding addressing this shit, but it’s time. Starting right now, I’m taking a semi-sabbatical (I almost wrote “slutbatical” but that makes it sounds like I’m taking a break from being a slut) from writing on Dlisted for the rest of the summer to deal with health stuff, recharge my mushed-up brains and to write my 3,000 page unauthorized Phoebe Price biography (I wish). And yes, I can feel my mom rolling her eyes while saying, “Health stuff? Pfft, I made your lunch while dropping you off at school on my way to work after 45 minutes of sleep and coughing up pieces of my lungs because I had pneumonia!”
Miley Cyrus had three people in her life who were celebrating birthdays over this past week. Her little sister Noah Cyrus turned 18 on the 8th, and both her fiancé Liam Hemsworth and friend Wayne Coyne celebrated their birthdays on the 13th. Miley decided to save her stoner brain the trouble of remembering all those dates by rolling all three into one giant birthday party on Saturday.
About a month after Miley Cyrus started scootin’ her hillbilly business on her ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth again, she took the engagement ring he gave her out of its fancy box and started wearing it again. That “Why me?” face Miley made when she decided to re-debut her ring on Instagram might not have been because she was dressed like the eliminated look from the Strawberry Shortcake challenge on Project Runway.
As you’re all aware, I’m sure, there’s been whisperin’ goin’ ’round town that that-there little Miley Cyrus is back to knockin’ boots with that-there feller with the strange accent from that far way kangaroo place. Well, I’m not one to gossip, but it sure does look like she and Liam Hemsworth are workin’ on gettin’ the fire back in the chimney because they dun been seen holdin’ together again. Ok, enough of that talk, I’m getting a headache.
Queen of all things discrete and not loud or attention seeking, Miley Cyrus, has been keeping her rekindled romance with Liam on the down-low for a little while now. Back in May they were spotted holding hands in public. A month later the two were spotted holding hands (OMG! IT’S LOVE!) at Soho House in New York. And now the cheeriest chipmunk to ever hit a bong has been spotted with him again at Soho House in LA. Woah, they’re even committing to a place. People says they hung out with pals on Sunday, and Miley was once again seen wearing the 3.5 carat ring he gave her all the way back in the prehistoric time of 2013, when they were first engaged. And that wasn’t the only ohemgeesocute moment of the weekend for Miley. There’s a new Cyrus in town. A beagle named Barbie:
This appears to be more evidence that Miley is cancelling her membership to Crystals4Coochies.com and wants to be all domestic and shit. Her hair is growing out. She’s wearing outfits that cover the front, sides, and back of her genitals. And her tongue hasn’t tried to escape in what feels like forever. I think the Miley wedding we were all hoping for – an LSD-fueled trip into Beanie Baby hell set to the theme of Hee Haw – isn’t gonna happen. The least we can hope for now is a down-home backyard style with the dogs as ring bearers.
And here’s Miley and Liam chillin’ at Soho House:
Roland Emmerich’s movie about the Stonewall riots was an extra chunky skid mark in the eyes of most critics and it was a total flop at the box office. One of that shit show’s biggest criticism was that it was like the 1969 Stonewall riots as seen through the eyes of an Abercrombie & Fitch marketing executive. The movie focused on a pretty-faced young white boy and pushed the black and Latino activists into the background. Someone even started a petition to boycott that mess. It got almost 25,000 signatures. Director Roland Emmerich defended his Stonewall movie then, and he’s still defending the hell out of it.
Ever since “sources” started whispering that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were giving their relationship and engagement a second try, both Miley and Liam have kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. At one point, Liam himself straight-up said he wasn’t fixin’ to get hitched to the holler’s most in-heat chipmunk. The only person who was really talking about their wedding was Miley’s daddy Billy Ray Cyrus, but I just assumed that was the mixed-up nonsense rantings of a man who accidentally inhaled too much Bold Hold hair spray while styling that mess on his head.
Miley and Liam did another casual hand-holding pap walk while going into Soho House in NYC last night. I know – how ever would have known that was Miley Cyrus with all those clothes on? But yes, the one in the Canadian business jacket is Miley Cyrus, and the one in Forever 21 Ryan Gosling drag is Liam Hemsworth. Miley also made sure to give the paps a really good shot of her engagement ring, because of course she did. Get that engagement attention, girl!
That “source” who claimed Miley was reforming her grown-up Garbage Pail kid ways and turning herself into June Cleaver for Liam was clearly telling the truth. I mean, look how goddamn demure she is now. Walking? Holding hands? And in such a tasteful tube-top and sassy mall-walking granny pants? The old Miley would have entered Soho House by shooting out of a penis-shaped cannon wearing her interpretation of a wedding gown (aka white lace nipple covers and a rhinestone-studded g-string) with the words “Here cums the bride y’all” painted on her ass cheeks in silver body paint while pretending to jerk off a unity candle.