Woody Allen’s next movie is probably going to have to star Diane Keaton, Alec Baldwin, Cate Blanchett, and maybe Kate Winslet if he’s lucky (depending on the current state of her “bitter regrets”). Poor Woody, that’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel! Luckily, he can add Javier Bardem to the list of actors who will still fuck with him, so that’s at least one more second-rate unknown bit player Woody can count on.
Jennifer Lawrence made her long-awaited return to the Toronto International Film Festival yesterday for the premiere of mother!, a film which will reportedly make you say “What in the fuck?” in either the good way or the bad way. JLaw didn’t trip up the red carpet, but she did arrive looking like the madame of a My Fair Lady-inspired cathouse. “You could do more than dance all night, but it’s gonna cost you an extra $200, hun. And I don’t want to hear about the ‘rain’ in Spain falling anywhere but the plain, you catch my drift?”
I get about 98% of her Dolce & Gabbana look here (sparkles, ribbons, boobies – all major players in a razzle-dazzle moment). But then my eyes got to the shoes and I was very confuse.
After about a year of dating, Jennifer Lawrence and her director-turned-assistant producer (that was my extremely lame attempt at a film industry-themed sex joke) Darren Aronofsy made their red carpet debut. Actually, it’s not really a red carpet so much as it’s a grey laminate floor. And it’s really only a relationship debut if you consider the definition of a debut to include posing for a picture in the vicinity of each other at the photocall for the movie you made together. You know what? When you’re dealing with two people who stopped working it for the paps back in November, you take what you can get.
Jennifer and Darren, as well as their mother! co-stars Javier Bardem and Michelle Pfeiffer, attended the photocall for their creepy (and so far well received) movie at the Venice Film Festival today. Jennifer and Darren decided not to stand next to each other, which is smart. I’ve always believed that getting attention is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace your PDA. You’ve got to save something for TIFF, you know?
Although there is a potential issue I can foresee. I know I’m supposed to be caring that Jennifer Lawrence and Darren Aronofsky stood adjacent to each other, but my eyes are being drawn to more exciting visions. One, Michelle Pfeiffer, who is serving up an extra-hot heaping helping of steal-your-man sex-in-sofa upholstery. Two, whatever the hell hair color is happening on Javier Bardem’s head. Someone get Javier a Clairol Nice’n Easy customer service rep on the phone and ask what they would recommend to tone down the brassiness from Autumn Chestnut to Cool Cappuccino.
Here’s more from the photocall, as well as some pics from the premiere today:
No wonder they fell in love! Who would have guessed that the long anticipated movie Mother!, the one that brought together lovebirds Jennifer Lawrence and director Darren Aronofsky, would turn out to be a rom-com!? The trailer for Mother! has just come out, and it looks like a delight. In a departure from his usual dark, demented and psychologically thorny fare, this one looks like an absolute lark.
We’re finally ending our never-ending Oscar coverage today and the best way to end it is with some man pieces who were probably suffocating in their nut-hugging pants and wanted to take it all off halfway through the show. They should’ve. It would’ve made that mess a hundred million times better and awakened all my senses.
My best dressed chick of the Oscars is definitely Charlize Theron, because with that ponytail, casual diamond earrings and daytime gold la-may gown, she was done up like Alexis Carrington making a quick trip to the supermarket. It was very daytime casual Dynasty. And my best dressed dude is definitely Ryan Gosling, who looks like he reeks of Jovan Musk oil and is about to pick you up in his dad’s gold two-tone Lincoln Continental Mark V to take you to the senior prom where he’s going to feel you up while slow dancing to The Closer I Get To You. And he’s definitely the one who spiked the punch.
Ryan wore Gucci (duh) and I couldn’t tell if those were actual ruffles or trompe l’oeil ruffles (Side note: I don’t do drag, but if I ever did, I’ve got dibs on the name Tramp Louie Ruffles.) And then there’s the smooth rat Pharrell, who dressed like a maître d at an underground restaurant that only serves virgin blood and is owned by Kunty Karl. There’s a reason why Pharrell looks like that. He’s wearing Chanel.
And here’s a million more pictures of the dudes from the Oscars. Come for Mahershala Ali and come again for hot piece of wood Jamie Dornan.
I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.
There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.
The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:
Is it possible Charlize Theron saw a rough cut of THE LAST FACE and *then* ended things with Sean Penn? I would.
— Guy Lodge (@GuyLodge) May 20, 2016
Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com