Category: Javier Bardem

Can’t You Feel The Tender Warmness Between Exes Charlize Theron And Sean Penn?

May 20, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t know what’s better: That awkward picture of Charlize Theron and Sean Penn looking like they would rather be hugging a bitchy grizzly bear who hates intimacy or the reviews for his new movie The Last Face.

There’s a good reason for why it looks like Charlize Theron is awkwardly consoling Sean Penn at a funeral. She kind of is. Sean Penn directed The Last Face, which is about the head of an international aid organization (Charlize Theron) and a relief doctor (Javier Bardem) who fall in love while trying to save the people of Liberia. That movie sounds like forty five layers of NOPE. If I had to choose between watching The Last Face and a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon, I’d pre-schedule a confessional with a priest to apologize for the unholy sins I was about to commit and I’d start watching the staged antics of Pimp Mama Kris and her hos. But now I kind of want to see The Last Face after reading some of the reviews.

The Last Farce (typo and it stays) screened at Cannes, and the critics tore it apart, torched its remains and then put the flames out with their piss. They laughed and booed. It’s apparently as steamingly stinky as a reporter’s turd baking on an Arizona front lawn. Indiewire and The Wrap posted a collection of the awful reviews the movie got, but this tweet sums it up:

Sean claims he doesn’t care about the crap reviews, but that sad tomato face he made at his movie’s Cannes premiere said otherwise. And I’m telling myself that in the picture above, Charlize kicked the flame-broiled pickled sausage while he was down by whispering in his ear, “And by the way, I faked it. Every. Single. Time.”

Pics: Getty,

Oh Yeah, Penelope Cruz Had A Baby Yesterday Too

July 23, 2013 / Posted by:

It’s hard to believe, but the British Monarchy didn’t order all of the vaginas in the world to shut and not allow any babies through until Duchess Kate pushed out the future King of England. Other women actually had babies including Penelope Cruz who birthed out her second kid, a daughter, in Madrid yesterday. Insert your own “Spain and England will finally forget their war from a million years ago when the Prince of England marries the unofficial Princess of Spain” comment here.

Penelope and Javier Bardem’s reps didn’t say much to People. We don’t know her name or HIGHLY IMPORTANT details like how much she weighs. We only know that Penelope and Javier have a daughter and their 2-year-old son Leonardo has a sister. Here’s the story from HOLA! Magazine and I’m only posting it because it has a ton of accent marks and my posts desperately need more accent marks in them:

Penélope Cruz y Javier Bardem han sido padres de nuevo, y de una niña. La actriz española ingresó ayer en el hospital Ruber Internacional para dar a luz. Tras meses de espera, Penélope Cruz ha cumplido su sueño y ya tiene a su hija entre sus brazos, que se llevará dos años y medio con su hermano, Leo, y algo más de dos meses con su prima Antonella, la hija de Mónica Cruz. La actriz, tal y como era su deseo, ha estado rodeada del cariño de los suyos. Su marido, Javier Bardem, no se ha separado de su lado y sus padres, Eduardo y Encarna, y sus hermanos, Mónica y Eduardo Cruz, han compartido los nervios y la alegría del nacimiento.

Sin duda la luna llena del 22 de julio influyó en los dos nacimientos más esperados del momento. La duquesa de Cambridge dio a luz a su primer hijo, un varón, a las 16:24 de la tarde, y Penélope Cruz, horas más tarde a una niña, que hará las delicias de sus oscarizados papás y de su hermano Leo.

Since Dennis Farina floated off to heaven yesterday, I’m hoping that his soul was transferred to either Penelope’s baby or the new Baby Prince of Cambridge. We’ll know for sure if that happened if one of those babies’ first words are, “Who the fuck are you?”

Who Works It Better?

June 25, 2013 / Posted by:

On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!

Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:

Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!

And Here’s Ke$hit Drinking Her Own Piss

May 22, 2013 / Posted by:

I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night’s Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit’s friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it.

You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn’t) and they told me (no, they didn’t) that Ke$ha’s pee is the color of battery acid, smoke wafts off of it and when she pees, you can hear the high-pitched screeches from her crotch crabs as they get burned alive. That’s not her piss. That’s obviously Crystal Light lemonade. You so not edgy, Ke$hit.

Ke$ha’s Nalgas Made An Appearance At The Billboard Music Awards

May 19, 2013 / Posted by:

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, “Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?” And that’s because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids’ favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I’m sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here’s some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell’s favorite couple, Hell’s second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber’s former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

I Didn’t Know Gollum Was A Rolling Stones Fan

April 28, 2013 / Posted by:

The Rolling Stones performed a secret show at the 650-capacity Echoplex in the Echo Park neighborhood of L.A. last night and it brought out Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Bruce Willis, James Woods, Gwen Stefani, Ke$hit and the Olsen Trolls. Everybody is talking about how Amber and Johnny held hands at the show, but that’s what hos do when they’re doing each other full-time. They hold hands in public places. Well, unless you’re doing me full-time and then you only agree to meet me at night, in a Denny’s far from your apartment where nobody knows you and the waitress won’t give a shit that you’re sharing french fries and chocolate pie with me. But yeah, Amber and Johnny eat each other’s butts all the time, so it’s not surprising that they’re holding hands.

But what everybody should be talking about is how the Olsen Trolls showed up looking like twin be-weaved Gollums on heroin. When you make Ke$hit look like a crystal clear dew drop sitting on top of the petal of a freshly bloomed wild flower on the peak of a mountain top that has never been visited by man, maybe it’s time to take a shower or at least let a bitch hose you down on the driveway.

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