Bronze medal-winning British Olympic diver and the sweetheart twink of the 2012 Olympics Tom Daley made all of his fangirls loudly weep into their crotches this morning when he said in a video that he’s been diving into the peen pond for the last few months. Tom says in the video that he met a very special dude a few months ago and has been wrapping his heart (and other parts) around him ever since. Tom didn’t spill the name of his boyfriend, but it’s not hard to figure out who he is. He’s the one on the streets of London whose face is loudly saying, “Yes, I get to fill Tom Daley’s rock hard cum gutters every day. Stay jealous, whores.”
While staring off to the side (WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING ME IN THE EYE, TOM?!!!), the 19-year-old diving twinkie told his fans that he’s always dated chicks but he’s dating a dude now:
“I’ve been dating girls and I’ve never really had a serious relationship to talk about and now I feel ready to talk about my relationships. Come spring this year my life changed massively when I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe, and everything just feels great. And, well, that someone is a guy.”
Tom says that he’s talking about this, because he wants to set the record
straight bi after The Mirror twisted his words in an interview. Tom also let it be known that coochie isn’t completely off of his plate. He’s dating a dude right now, but he’s still into girls. So Tom is bi or he’s just cruising along the bi highway before switching to the gay highway or whatever. I’m happy for Tom, Tom’s boyfriend and both of their fuck parts.
Maria Bello came out over the weekend, Tom Daley came out today, so we just need one more coming out to complete the coming out trifecta! The ball (pun intended) is in your court, Travolta!
I stopped watching The Biggest Loser, because I could feel that muscular Steven Tyler look-alike Jillian Michaels judging me as I poured crumbs from a bag of Famous Amos directly into the not-so-famous anus on my face, but I really thought that Bob Harper proudly declared his love of hard dick and man ass a long, long time ago. I was wrong, because last night, I got a few emails telling me that Bob Harper came out on an episode of The Biggest Loser. At that moment I wish that I would’ve read the name “Bob Harper” as “Bob Barker,” because the image of Bob Barker spraying his tanned old man gravy on a pair of man nalgas would’ve been the perfect nighttime treat.
On last night’s episode, 48-year-old Bob Harper publicly came out to contestant Bobby Saleem who was struggling with coming out to his father. As Bobby threw a , “Girl, we know,” look, Bob Harper said to him:
“I’m gay. I knew a very long time ago that I was gay. When I ‘came out’ I was 17 years old, it was one of those kind of things, where I realized there was going to be so many obstacles. But being gay doesn’t mean that you are less than any.body.else. It’s just who you are.”
After the show, Bob Harper thanked all of his Twitter followers for filling his eyes with words of support.
And I think my headline should really read: Bob Harper Comes Out As A 48-Year-Old… because DAMN.
On Watch What Happens Live Last night, Andy Cohen had on some of the whores from past Real World/Road Rule Challenges and a caller asked each of them if they’ve ever wet humped on a trick during a challenge. The truthful answer is: YES! ALL OF THEM! Seriously, as soon as those sluts walk into the RW/RR house, their clothes come off, the fire sprinklers shoot out lube and they all stick each other’s fuck parts into each other. They all screw each other. It’s like a really low-rent Caligula. But most of them lied and said that they’ve never touched genitals with another trick during a Challenge. My dreamboat CT, Bethasaurus and Ruthie all claimed that they haven’t (LIES!). Paula pleaded the fifth and Danny Roberts said that he has, but he’s not going to name names, because the dude is straight and married now. ESCANDALO (to those of us who watched this mess)!!!!
Danny dropped a few hints. He said the dude is married now and once dated Trashelle (government name: Trishelle). Trashelle called Danny one day and screamed at him, because she was mad that his peen and her boyfriend’s peen touched. NewNowNext used those clues to narrow it down. The Miz, Steven Hill and Adam Larson all dated Trashelle.
NewNowNext scratched Steven Hill out, because Trashelle denied it was him on her Twatter. That leaves The Miz and Adam. I want it to be The Miz and The Miz makes sense since he oils up to wrestle dudes while half-naked for a living, but he’s only engaged. Adam is married, though, and he is giving me “90s soft-core gay porn” in that picture.
But I not-so-secretly wish it was none of them. I wish it was CT, because CT has flared nostrils made for nose fucking. Can’t you just hear him screaming, “I can smell you cumming, brah! I can smell you cumming!”
Lainey had a blind item last year about a popular, adorable actor who had a relationship with an ultra-dramatic, Emo-like actor, and after they broke up the Emo-like actor went crazy and threatened to expose them both. GAY DRAMA! I’d like to think it was about Don Rickles and Jack Nicholson, but everyone else thought it was about Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Michael Pitt. We’ll never ever ever know and we’ll all close our eyes for the last time without knowing if Joseph Gordon-Levitt loves peen, poon or both.
During an interview with Out Magazine to promote his movie Don Jon and his 10-year-old anti-pap short film Pictures of Assholes, JGL said he’s not going to say if he’s gay, straight or bi, because that would be trashy.
“That would be really tacky—they would win if I had to clarify.”
The “they” he’s talking about isn’t the terrorists. He’s talking about the media and the paparazzi. JGL went on to talk about how he learned from the very beginning of his career to be protective of his privacy:
“It comes from a really young age,” he concedes. “It can be really awkward and difficult to be thought of as this thing on TV. Before understanding it or being able to analyze it, I just knew it made me really anxious.” Regularly recognized in his teens as “that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun,” his reflexive response was denial. “I wouldn’t just say ‘No,’ ” he recalls. “I was way more convincing than that. I would first act confused, and then I would try to understand what they were saying. I would play the part.”
I don’t think I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets hard for coochie, cock or both and that’s surprising since I spend a lot of time wondering if EVERYBODY gets hard for coochie, cock or both. But now I’m going to overanalyze and study that picture of him clutching onto a pussy with a protective/angry look on his face. What does it mean?
When I got an email with the subject “Wentworth Miller Comes Out As Gay,” I had to check the date, because the broken down, busted memory box in my brain remembers this as already happening. I thought we already got drunk at his coming out party and already cleaned up the confetti off the floor. But I guess I need to start injecting Gingko directly into my brain, because Wentworth Miller, who was in Prison Break and wrote Stroker, didn’t come out until today. In a letter to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival, Wentworth writes that yup, he likes peen, and because he likes peen, he’s not going to Russia. GLAAD posted the letter:
August 21, 2013
Re: St. Petersburg International Film Festival / “Guest of Honor” Invitation
Dear Ms. Averbakh:
Thank you for your kind invitation. As someone who has enjoyed visiting Russia in the past and can also claim a degree of Russian ancestry, it would make me happy to say yes.
However, as a gay man, I must decline.
I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government. The situation is in no way acceptable, and I cannot in good conscience participate in a celebratory occasion hosted by a country where people like myself are being systematically denied their basic right to live and love openly.
Perhaps, when and if circumstances improve, I’ll be free to make a different choice.
Member, The ManKind Project
Well, at least something good has come out of this whole terrifying Russia mess.
And did you know that Wentworth was 41? While he was coming out as gay, he should’ve also come out as a 41-year-old, because I had no idea about that.
Seen above giving us all a late-summer fever by serving up some “Heat Miser as a Solid Gold Dancer” tease, WWE Superstar Darren Young casually told TMZ that yup, he likes peen, while waiting for his luggage in the baggage area at LAX yesterday. The combination of a gold sequin headband, black thigh highs, muscled-up nipples and tiger print gold luh-may briefs (Side note: I am too lazy to put a fancy accent over the “e” in lame, so I’m just typing it out phonetically….. and I just realized that explaining why I typed it out phonetically is making me use a lot more energy than putting an accent over the “e” would’ve. Nobody has ever accused me of making sense.) is making me pucker already and Darren Young really made me pucker with his casual coming out speech.
TMZ’s cameradude recognized Darren Young at LAX and decided to ask him if the WWE is ready for a successful openly gay superstar and he answered the question by saying:
“Absolutely. Look at me. I’m a WWE superstar and to be honest with you, I’ll tell you right now, I’m gay. And I’m happy. I’m very happy. …..Does it matter? Does it matter to you? Does it change what you think about me?
I guess if you want to call it a “coming out,” I don’t really know what to say it is. I’m just letting you know that I’m happy with who I am. I am comfortable with myself.”
The TMZ dude asked Darren what he thinks people’s response will be and he sort of shrugged and said that some will hate it, some will love it, but he’s comfortable with himself and that’s all that matters. Here’s the full video of Darren’s casual coming out:
WWE already issued a statement of support:
On TMZ this morning, WWE Superstar Darren Young revealed to the WWE Universe that he is gay. WWE is proud of Darren Young for being open about his sexuality, and we will continue to support him as a WWE Superstar. Today, in fact, Darren will be participating in one of our Be A STAR anti-bullying rallies in Los Angeles to teach children how to create positive environments for everyone regardless of age, race, religion or sexual orientation.
Yeah, that video looks slightly choreographed and sort of staged, but who cares! The “Yeah, I like dick and?” coming out speeches are my favorite kind of coming out speeches. And now that he’s out, maybe he should change his Twitter bio. Right now it says:
As comfortable in the VIP section as he is in the ring, Darren Young’s life revolves around three things — money, women and wrestling.
He should update it to say:
As comfortable in the VIP section as he is in the ring, Darren Young’s life revolves around three things — money, gold sequin headbands and wrestling.
I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).
When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:
“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”
I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.
And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.
In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that THE QUEEN always looks like a giant chunk of a rainbow and her hats are gayer than a flower poodle, she’s all for marriage equality and today she gave same-sex marriage the royal stamp of approval! Let them eat cock and cooch!
The NYDN says that yesterday Parliament said “YAAASSSS!” to a bill that makes marriage legal for everyone in England and Wales. Getting THE QUEEN’s royal approval was just a formality and they wanted to give her a reason to dress her Corgis up like rainbows.
Starting next summer, everybody in England and Wales will be able to get married in a civil and/or religious ceremony. England and Wales already allowed civil partnerships, so any couple that wants to add a layer of doom to their relationship can convert their civil partnership to marriage.
The rumor that Kanye West is letting Givenchy’s creative director Riccardo Tisci pull up his leather kilt at the end of the night has been around for a while now, but I guess when you’re like Kim Kardashian and live in a fart bubble of narcissism, all non-Kardashian news never makes it into your ears. But after Kim wore a Givenchy sofa carcass to the Met Gala, some of her Twitter followers told her about the rumor that Kanye is gargling on the nutsack of the dude who designed her dress.
InTouch (via Radar) says that Kim’s followers told her that Kanye’s apartments in NYC and Paris are really close to Riccardo’s apartments, which totally means that they’re doing it. InTouch’s source says that Kanye does spend a lot of time in Paris with Riccardo, so Kim started freaking out.
“There are some facts Kim can’t deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital and Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye’s in NYC’s Soho neighborhood. Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond. They spend a lot of time together at Kanye’s apartment.
Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed — more so than she’s ever been in her life.”
Can I get a “BITCH, PLEASE“? If Kim hasn’t been embarrassed by her pimp mom, her plastic face, her fake wedding, her boring sex tape, her clothes and her entire existence, then I doubt this will embarrass her. Utterly. Kim doesn’t care if Kanye fucks men or fucks armadillos as long as he keeps her on the cover of every tabloid.
I just hope that if Kanye is involved with Riccardo that he properly moisturizes and lubes up that dry E.T. finger of his before they get into fingerbanging fun time.
Davey Wavey previously asked lesbians for their thoughts on peen and he asked gays their thoughts on coochie, and now he’s asking disciples of Metamucil at The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center what they think of gay sex. First of all, I need to see some IDs, because some of these seniors look young enough to be Lindsay Lohan’s kid. Second of all, the priceless jewel in the pink knit vest won this round when she said “cum cum cum” and she won it again when she said, “I know when I was young I was chasing all the little dykes around.”