Illinois congressman Aaron Schock (whose last name sounds like the name of a fetish involving the urge to electrocute your cock) has long said that he doesn’t gargle on dick even though some think that it’s pretty clear that he does (see: this picture, which is gayer than the picture of a 9-year-old me throwing red glitter in the air while wearing a kangaroo costume and purple Converse. No, I will not share that picture with that class!). On Thursday, The America Blog posted the 7 Gayest Aaron Schock Instagram Posts of 2013, which made Aaron Schock put a lock on his Instagram account and inspired former CBS reporter Itay Hod, who is gay, to pretty much out a bitch in a Facebook post. On a side note, every time I look at that picture, I think to myself that it’s the kind of picture you’d see on Grindr under the words, “no fatz, no femz, no asianz, no blackz and no only bottomz.”
Itay Hod writes on Facebook (via Queerty) that he knows of a certain Republican congressman from Illinois who is gay and he knows this for sure, because one of his “friends” caught that certain Republican congressman showering with another dude. Itay Hod writes that he knows a lot of people are against outing, but he thinks it’s okay to drag that Republican congressman out of the closet by the hair, because that Republican congressman’s peen tastes like hypocrisy. Aaron Schock has publicly said that he’s against marriage equality, he voted against adding sexual orientation to federal hate crimes statutes and he was opposed to the repeal of DOMA. Itay goes on to write that the media has an obligation to expose the trick, because it’s not right that he’s voting anti-gay while sucking Irish Spring suds off of another dude’s dick in the shower. You can read all of Itay’s post here, but below is a piece of it:
here’s a hypothetical: what if you know a certain GOP congressman, let’s just say from Illinois, is gay… and you know this because one of your friends, a journalist for a reputable network, told you in no uncertain terms that he caught that GOP congressman and his male roommate in the shower… together. now they could have been good friends just trying to conserve water. but there’s more. what if this congressman has also been caught by tmz cameras trolling gay bars. now what if you know that this very same guy, the darling of the gop, has also voted against repeal of don’t ask don’t tell, opposed the repeal of doma, is against gay marriage; and for the federal marriage amendment, which would add language to the us constitution banning gay marriage and would likely strike down every gay rights law and ordinance in the country?
Are we still not allowed to out him?
let me ask another question… doesn’t the media have an OBLIGATION to expose his hypocrisy? if he had done something so hypocritical and he wasn’t gay, wouldn’t we demand journalists do their job? but they can’t… because we won’t let them. you’re not allowed to out ANYONE, we tell them.
At the bottom of Itay’s post is a link to that 7 Gayest Aaron Schock Instagram Posts post.
In Aaron Schock’s defense, there could be a different reason for why he was showering with another dude. Maybe Aaron’s “friend” just had shoulder surgery, or something, and couldn’t wash his own asshole, so Aaron helped him out. Maybe Aaron’s “friend” is deathly allergic to sponges and puffs, so Aaron squirted a little shower gel on his tongue and used it to clean his “friend’s” b-hole. That’s really what friends are for. It’s totally possible. Ask John Travolta, he does that for all of his fellow straight friends.
But seriously, he’s not supposed to be outed like this. He’s supposed to out himself when he gets caught sucking dick in the bathroom of some airport. That’s how it’s supposed to happen!
Oh, and Aaron Schock follows Tom Daley on Instagram. That says everything that needs to be said.
Whenever I walk by the closet door, I peek in to wink at Queen Latifah, throw a “hey, girl” at Taylor Lautner and sometimes I squint while trying to figure out who the fat, balding Eastern European grandmother is until I realize it’s just John Travolta without his hair on. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brian Boitano in there. He must’ve been in the closet kitchen making lunch for them all, because apparently he was in there and just twirled out today. Brian Boitano is part of Team Shade To Russia (aka a team of 10 American athletes appointed by Obama) who will represent America’s LGBT at the 2014 Sochi Olympics. Brian released a statement after Obama appointed his ass:
“I am many things: a son, a brother, and uncle, a friend, an athlete, a cook, an author, and being gay is just one part of who I am, It is my desire to be defined by my achievements and my contributions. While I am proud to play a public role in representing the American Olympic Delegation as a former Olympic athlete, I have always reserved my private life for my family and friends and will continue to do so.
First and foremost I am an American athlete and I am proud to live in a country that encourages diversity, openness and tolerance. As an athlete, I hope we can remain focused on the Olympic spirit which celebrates achievement in sport by peoples of all nations.”
So far today, Brian Boitano came out and New Mexico’s Supreme Court ruled that everybody can get married in their state! I hope that the gay news trifecta is completed when Variety announces that Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley signed on for a reboot of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? called Whatever Happened To Baby Cristal?
And now let’s celebrate with a song that won’t leave your head until Sunday.
Bronze medal-winning British Olympic diver and the sweetheart twink of the 2012 Olympics Tom Daley made all of his fangirls loudly weep into their crotches this morning when he said in a video that he’s been diving into the peen pond for the last few months. Tom says in the video that he met a very special dude a few months ago and has been wrapping his heart (and other parts) around him ever since. Tom didn’t spill the name of his boyfriend, but it’s not hard to figure out who he is. He’s the one on the streets of London whose face is loudly saying, “Yes, I get to fill Tom Daley’s rock hard cum gutters every day. Stay jealous, whores.”
While staring off to the side (WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING ME IN THE EYE, TOM?!!!), the 19-year-old diving twinkie told his fans that he’s always dated chicks but he’s dating a dude now:
“I’ve been dating girls and I’ve never really had a serious relationship to talk about and now I feel ready to talk about my relationships. Come spring this year my life changed massively when I met someone and it made me feel so happy, so safe, and everything just feels great. And, well, that someone is a guy.”
Tom says that he’s talking about this, because he wants to set the record
straight bi after The Mirror twisted his words in an interview. Tom also let it be known that coochie isn’t completely off of his plate. He’s dating a dude right now, but he’s still into girls. So Tom is bi or he’s just cruising along the bi highway before switching to the gay highway or whatever. I’m happy for Tom, Tom’s boyfriend and both of their fuck parts.
Maria Bello came out over the weekend, Tom Daley came out today, so we just need one more coming out to complete the coming out trifecta! The ball (pun intended) is in your court, Travolta!
I stopped watching The Biggest Loser, because I could feel that muscular Steven Tyler look-alike Jillian Michaels judging me as I poured crumbs from a bag of Famous Amos directly into the not-so-famous anus on my face, but I really thought that Bob Harper proudly declared his love of hard dick and man ass a long, long time ago. I was wrong, because last night, I got a few emails telling me that Bob Harper came out on an episode of The Biggest Loser. At that moment I wish that I would’ve read the name “Bob Harper” as “Bob Barker,” because the image of Bob Barker spraying his tanned old man gravy on a pair of man nalgas would’ve been the perfect nighttime treat.
On last night’s episode, 48-year-old Bob Harper publicly came out to contestant Bobby Saleem who was struggling with coming out to his father. As Bobby threw a , “Girl, we know,” look, Bob Harper said to him:
“I’m gay. I knew a very long time ago that I was gay. When I ‘came out’ I was 17 years old, it was one of those kind of things, where I realized there was going to be so many obstacles. But being gay doesn’t mean that you are less than any.body.else. It’s just who you are.”
After the show, Bob Harper thanked all of his Twitter followers for filling his eyes with words of support.
And I think my headline should really read: Bob Harper Comes Out As A 48-Year-Old… because DAMN.
On Watch What Happens Live Last night, Andy Cohen had on some of the whores from past Real World/Road Rule Challenges and a caller asked each of them if they’ve ever wet humped on a trick during a challenge. The truthful answer is: YES! ALL OF THEM! Seriously, as soon as those sluts walk into the RW/RR house, their clothes come off, the fire sprinklers shoot out lube and they all stick each other’s fuck parts into each other. They all screw each other. It’s like a really low-rent Caligula. But most of them lied and said that they’ve never touched genitals with another trick during a Challenge. My dreamboat CT, Bethasaurus and Ruthie all claimed that they haven’t (LIES!). Paula pleaded the fifth and Danny Roberts said that he has, but he’s not going to name names, because the dude is straight and married now. ESCANDALO (to those of us who watched this mess)!!!!
Danny dropped a few hints. He said the dude is married now and once dated Trashelle (government name: Trishelle). Trashelle called Danny one day and screamed at him, because she was mad that his peen and her boyfriend’s peen touched. NewNowNext used those clues to narrow it down. The Miz, Steven Hill and Adam Larson all dated Trashelle.
NewNowNext scratched Steven Hill out, because Trashelle denied it was him on her Twatter. That leaves The Miz and Adam. I want it to be The Miz and The Miz makes sense since he oils up to wrestle dudes while half-naked for a living, but he’s only engaged. Adam is married, though, and he is giving me “90s soft-core gay porn” in that picture.
But I not-so-secretly wish it was none of them. I wish it was CT, because CT has flared nostrils made for nose fucking. Can’t you just hear him screaming, “I can smell you cumming, brah! I can smell you cumming!”
Lainey had a blind item last year about a popular, adorable actor who had a relationship with an ultra-dramatic, Emo-like actor, and after they broke up the Emo-like actor went crazy and threatened to expose them both. GAY DRAMA! I’d like to think it was about Don Rickles and Jack Nicholson, but everyone else thought it was about Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Michael Pitt. We’ll never ever ever know and we’ll all close our eyes for the last time without knowing if Joseph Gordon-Levitt loves peen, poon or both.
During an interview with Out Magazine to promote his movie Don Jon and his 10-year-old anti-pap short film Pictures of Assholes, JGL said he’s not going to say if he’s gay, straight or bi, because that would be trashy.
“That would be really tacky—they would win if I had to clarify.”
The “they” he’s talking about isn’t the terrorists. He’s talking about the media and the paparazzi. JGL went on to talk about how he learned from the very beginning of his career to be protective of his privacy:
“It comes from a really young age,” he concedes. “It can be really awkward and difficult to be thought of as this thing on TV. Before understanding it or being able to analyze it, I just knew it made me really anxious.” Regularly recognized in his teens as “that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun,” his reflexive response was denial. “I wouldn’t just say ‘No,’ ” he recalls. “I was way more convincing than that. I would first act confused, and then I would try to understand what they were saying. I would play the part.”
I don’t think I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets hard for coochie, cock or both and that’s surprising since I spend a lot of time wondering if EVERYBODY gets hard for coochie, cock or both. But now I’m going to overanalyze and study that picture of him clutching onto a pussy with a protective/angry look on his face. What does it mean?
When I got an email with the subject “Wentworth Miller Comes Out As Gay,” I had to check the date, because the broken down, busted memory box in my brain remembers this as already happening. I thought we already got drunk at his coming out party and already cleaned up the confetti off the floor. But I guess I need to start injecting Gingko directly into my brain, because Wentworth Miller, who was in Prison Break and wrote Stroker, didn’t come out until today. In a letter to the St. Petersburg International Film Festival, Wentworth writes that yup, he likes peen, and because he likes peen, he’s not going to Russia. GLAAD posted the letter:
August 21, 2013
Re: St. Petersburg International Film Festival / “Guest of Honor” Invitation
Dear Ms. Averbakh:
Thank you for your kind invitation. As someone who has enjoyed visiting Russia in the past and can also claim a degree of Russian ancestry, it would make me happy to say yes.
However, as a gay man, I must decline.
I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government. The situation is in no way acceptable, and I cannot in good conscience participate in a celebratory occasion hosted by a country where people like myself are being systematically denied their basic right to live and love openly.
Perhaps, when and if circumstances improve, I’ll be free to make a different choice.
Member, The ManKind Project
Well, at least something good has come out of this whole terrifying Russia mess.
And did you know that Wentworth was 41? While he was coming out as gay, he should’ve also come out as a 41-year-old, because I had no idea about that.
Seen above giving us all a late-summer fever by serving up some “Heat Miser as a Solid Gold Dancer” tease, WWE Superstar Darren Young casually told TMZ that yup, he likes peen, while waiting for his luggage in the baggage area at LAX yesterday. The combination of a gold sequin headband, black thigh highs, muscled-up nipples and tiger print gold luh-may briefs (Side note: I am too lazy to put a fancy accent over the “e” in lame, so I’m just typing it out phonetically….. and I just realized that explaining why I typed it out phonetically is making me use a lot more energy than putting an accent over the “e” would’ve. Nobody has ever accused me of making sense.) is making me pucker already and Darren Young really made me pucker with his casual coming out speech.
TMZ’s cameradude recognized Darren Young at LAX and decided to ask him if the WWE is ready for a successful openly gay superstar and he answered the question by saying:
“Absolutely. Look at me. I’m a WWE superstar and to be honest with you, I’ll tell you right now, I’m gay. And I’m happy. I’m very happy. …..Does it matter? Does it matter to you? Does it change what you think about me?
I guess if you want to call it a “coming out,” I don’t really know what to say it is. I’m just letting you know that I’m happy with who I am. I am comfortable with myself.”
The TMZ dude asked Darren what he thinks people’s response will be and he sort of shrugged and said that some will hate it, some will love it, but he’s comfortable with himself and that’s all that matters. Here’s the full video of Darren’s casual coming out:
WWE already issued a statement of support:
On TMZ this morning, WWE Superstar Darren Young revealed to the WWE Universe that he is gay. WWE is proud of Darren Young for being open about his sexuality, and we will continue to support him as a WWE Superstar. Today, in fact, Darren will be participating in one of our Be A STAR anti-bullying rallies in Los Angeles to teach children how to create positive environments for everyone regardless of age, race, religion or sexual orientation.
Yeah, that video looks slightly choreographed and sort of staged, but who cares! The “Yeah, I like dick and?” coming out speeches are my favorite kind of coming out speeches. And now that he’s out, maybe he should change his Twitter bio. Right now it says:
As comfortable in the VIP section as he is in the ring, Darren Young’s life revolves around three things — money, women and wrestling.
He should update it to say:
As comfortable in the VIP section as he is in the ring, Darren Young’s life revolves around three things — money, gold sequin headbands and wrestling.
I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).
When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:
“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”
I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.
And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.
In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that THE QUEEN always looks like a giant chunk of a rainbow and her hats are gayer than a flower poodle, she’s all for marriage equality and today she gave same-sex marriage the royal stamp of approval! Let them eat cock and cooch!
The NYDN says that yesterday Parliament said “YAAASSSS!” to a bill that makes marriage legal for everyone in England and Wales. Getting THE QUEEN’s royal approval was just a formality and they wanted to give her a reason to dress her Corgis up like rainbows.
Starting next summer, everybody in England and Wales will be able to get married in a civil and/or religious ceremony. England and Wales already allowed civil partnerships, so any couple that wants to add a layer of doom to their relationship can convert their civil partnership to marriage.